Help - how do you keep a family function long term when the Dad has depression?

[WordNerd15]

I feel so broken.  My husband has had depression off on and for almost all of our 17 years of marriage.  We have 3 girls (11.9 & 7) and I've put all my effort into making sure his condition doesn't affect them. But I think I've left myself alone in this too long and now I feel like my insides are broken glass and I'm not sure I can keep coping.

His depression is pretty much always there, but as the saying goes some times it's a little black puppy he can manage, and other it's a ravenous black monster dog and sucks everything he has.  He is such a good man and I care about him a lot.  But depression has robbed us of so much.  I am so angry because my emotional needs go unmet almost all of the time. He has explained to me that he struggles to express his love because he hates himself so much, but understanding that doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't change emotionless void I am living in or give me hope.  (I struggle not to feel like a first class witch saying that but this has been going on a long long time.)

I have tried to help him but I have come to a point where I know I can't.  I am nothing against that black dog.  I honestly just feel like collateral damage to depression.   He has weeks and sometimes even months when things seem ok on the surface.  We both know they're not good -  but he is able to manage well enough to be part of the family and seems to get some plesaure out of life.  But then he swings down and turns into what I refer to as 'the walking ghost in the house'. He get up in the morning and goes about his routine like none of us are here  - and we have pretty much all learned to just ignore him when he is like that.  (What must this be doing to my girls?????) He seeks no interaction and we just wait for him to return. 

I am blabbering.  But I need to get this off my chest a little.  I am not coping with his downward spirals any more. They make me angry and break me just a little more each time they happen.  I actually feel like his black dog is starting to drag me down too.  Like I can't swim against it anymore.  I'm exhausted.

I just don't know what to do.   When I look inside myself at the moment I just seen brokenness.   The only thing I know I do need to do is look after myself better.  I can't be a good mum when I'm feeling like this.  Does anyone have any suggestions,services, sites they think could help me?

[White_Rose]

Dear WordNerd

Welcome to Beyond Blue and all we have to offer. I was so sad to read of your struggles. The Black Dog can be dreadful.

All the years you feel have been wasted in this manner can never come back, so it is important to start rectifying this situation.

Two questions. Does your husband have any professional help with his depression and/or take medication? Have you thought about talking to a psychologist about your situation? You know you need some care and I suspect you are not able to provide this for yourself.

If your husband does not receive any help then it is far less likely he will learn to cope with his depression. Seventeen years of depression without help is far too long. As you have not mentioned a psychologist etc I am presuming husband does not see anyone.

There are many spouses who start off supporting their partners and end up broken as you have done. Please understand that you cannot heal him. Only he can do that and if he does not get help it will not happen.There are instances when people cure themselves, but only rarely and it's not a reliable course of action.

Both of you need to recognise your limitations. Your limitation is that however much you love and care for him, he will not change unless he wants to. No one changes anything about themselves unless they want to.

Your mental health is getting precarious and this will affect your children eventually.  Walking round on eggshells is not a normal activity.  I know, I've been there. And if you collapse, who will care for your daughters?

The best suggestion I can give is to go and see your doctor and tell him/her all the things you have written above. Do you think you will be embarrassed? Do you think the doctor will be embarrassed? They have seen it all before, but importantly, they can help. If husband does not have medical help, then discuss why he should get help and the best way to go about this. Perhaps you can take to an appointment and sit with him while he talks.

Can you take the girls away for a few days? I know it's not school holidays, but what about a weekend? Or wait until the holidays. Leave dad at home. Tell him you need a rest. I know a couple of days is not much time, but it may help to give you some clarity about what is happening.

Please write in again.
Mary

[Chris_B]

Hi WordNerd15, welcome to the forums and sorry to hear things are so tough at the moment. Long-term depression really does take its toll on our loved ones as well as ourselves.

Below are some threads that you might find insightful, feel free to reach out to other members in these, as well as others in the Supporting Family & Friends forum:

His depression has destroyed our marriage

Living with a depressed partner for 10 years

Husband refusing to seek help

Husband with depression spiralling out of control

Husband with a score of 49 has moved out to avoid triggers

If you love someone with depression, you need to watch this