Having my first child with a partner who suffers with Depression, anxiety & ADHD and also does FIFO.

[CJO]

Hi all,

I have been with my partner now for about 3 years. We have just had our first child who is now 4 months old. Becoming a new parent is one of the best things in the world, but some days it is challenging.
We moved house, he changed jobs and we have become new parents and it all happened so quickly so i guess life has been busy and overwhelming at times. My partner has been on antidepressants now for about 4 years. He has tried multiple and still feels like they do not work so he gets frustrated and is very hard on himself.. he also has ADHD but spoke with a psychiatrist who didn't recommend any medication which blows my mind.. he will sometimes drink when he feels overwhelmed and then gets panic attacks and can't function at all... I find it so hard to not get upset with him because he knows what alcohol does to him, but he still chooses to do it. When he drinks he isn't the same person and he can't control himself..
Now we have a son it just makes everything so much harder.. It's not just me and him anymore.. We have had a terrible month where he couldn't come home because he had COVID so he stayed with his parents, then the one day i had contact with him i got it and then he went back to work.. so  i was on my own for 3 weeks and had been sick and looking after a baby... i was tired, agitated, hadn't had a break and just really needed him.. It's really hard because I am trying to be a supportive partner because i know how tired he is when he gets home, but i just didn't have much left in me when he came home. I still left him to sleep in the spare room so he got a good sleep and the next day he last minute decided to meet friends for dinner and have a big night... and from their the next day couldn't function and for 3 days just slept... i now have a chest infection and am struggling...i'm angry and upset.. he said some things that he obviously doesn't mean because he is really down and i just feel so low... i feel alone.. when he is good he is a great Dad and partner and i really want to be supportive.. its just been a tough month.. I also just moved to a new town in which he is from so i barely no anyone and all of my family are over the other side of Australia...but i am getting out there and i am doing my best.. i just feel so annoyed that if he isn't ok i just always have to be the one to keep it together and allow him to feel better...but honestly right now I am not ok and i feel like that doesn't matter. Any words of wisdom please...

[Croix]

Dear CJO~

Welcome here to the Forum. You certainly do have lot on your plate right now, moving away from family and friends to a strange place, having a husband who has mental health issues and does not help or pay attention then he's home, and wiht FIFO that can be not nearly as much as you probably both would like.

Then of course htere is the fact you are now the mother of your 4 month old child, a huge job, no a huge way of life. Being in a new area I wonder if you have any practical support when you are ill yourself, like the chest infection -or just to give you a rest?

My wife and I were lucky as her mum was avaialbe and wanted to help. Are your in-laws around and helpful? 

When medication does not work there is a temptation to use alcohol to excess or seek distraction with friends.  Sadly in the process of course looking after your needs can fall by the wayside.

It may be your partner does not realise waht he is doing to you. May I ask if you have talked this over with him, and if so how he responded?

One thing many people find helpful is couples counseling, as it allows an outsider to see things clearly and help people understand exactly what is happening. Do you think your partner would go with you?

I can recommend Relationships Australia. If they do not have a center near you they may be able to suggest a service that is closer.

You are always welcome here and we would like to hear how you get on.

I hope your infection clears up quickly

Croix