Has anyone had a partner successfully manage anxiety or depression?

[Jen781]

Hi,

Just wondering about others experience with just how long is too long to stay in a relationship with someone who has anxiety and depression.

My husband has suffered for 8 years and we now have a young child together. My life is looking after the both of them, with no one seeing that I need support also. I can not fullfil personal goals and dreams as my partner's anxiety and depression makes him incredibly selfish and self centred. I work full time from home and also have my toddler with me 24/7. I cook, clean, anything and everything you can think of to try and lessen the stress in his life- yet there is nothing but constant complaining about how hard his life is. 

He is really very hard to be around, life is no fun.

I should mention that he has been in weekly therapy for 5 years. Do you think one day I will have a happy carefree husband who loves life and stops to smell the roses with me? Or will this be my life forever.

[pipsy]

Hi Guest_5089.  I guess the answer to your question is, another question.  What sent him to therapy to start with?  If he has inherited depression, he possibly will always suffer, to a degree.  It doesn't sound as though the therapy is doing him much good if he still has bad depression though.  Could you go with him to the therapist.  I suppose that's a no-no.  You do need to get a life of your own, though.  You have a toddler, you are a housewife.  Maybe you should try and join a club somewhere.  With your child, there are young mother's clubs where you could get a break.  Perhaps getting your child into a child-minding centre for a couple of hours a couple of times a week could give you a break.  What do you do when your husband goes to his therapist?  If you're staying at home while he's at the therapist, I would suggest you try getting out yourself.  I wouldn't take responsibility for his lack of happiness in his life.  There is nothing more you can do.

Perhaps you could go to evening classes.  Just a thought.  Staying home 24/7 makes for a very miserable existence.  If he sees you making an effort to build a life, who knows, he may join you.  If he doesn't, you've lost nothing.  I certainly wouldn't sit home. 

[Doolhof]

Hi Guest 5089,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and to the community here.

Wow. I am a little surprised your husband has been in therapy for 5 years on a weekly basis! That is a lot of assistance and support for him!

Have you noticed any positive change in him during this time?

Is it possible for you to tap into some of what he is getting? Have you talked with your Dr. about getting support and assistance for yourself?

Both my husband and I suffer from depression. My husband expects me to be there for him when he is having a down time but unfortunately that help and care is not reciprocated very often!

I have realised there is no way I can make my husband understand how I am feeling and that his minimal help around the place is exhausting me. He doesn't work but I do and he does little around the house, so I get that bit as well!

For me, I try to make the most of each and every day as exhausted and tiered as I am, I try to find the good bits and to create time for myself when possible.

Love your child, care for and love your husband as you need to and love yourself as well.

Maybe you could ask your husband to help out now and then. Just one small task at a time.

My husband seems to thrive on praise, so when he cooks me a meal, I tell him how wonderful, delicious and everything else it is to encourage him. He then thinks he will cook again the next night and glows once again with the praise.

I am not thanked for the hundreds of things that I do, but I thank myself and try to move on. Hope you find the strength to continue on for yourself and your child.

Depression and anxiety can be debilitating, but with effort people can still contribute to life!

Hope this has helped a little,

Cheers for now from Lauren

[Jen781]

Thanks so much for both your replies.

I am very active in my community and I have a large group of friends and family. I am for the most part very very happy in my life. I go to the gym a lot, have coffee/lunch/dinner with friends, I enjoy travel and seeing films, I love art galleries and to add to this having a child has bought me so much fulfilment I could BURST. 

So there in lies my problem, I am surrounded my darkness and depression in the man that I love. I have nothing to complain about and life is just so beautiful and precious to me, yet I find myself being sucked into a vortex of negativity that is hard to escape due to my husband talking non-stop about it. This is what I mean about the selfishness, say for example I suggest going for dinner just the two of us, the only conversation will be about the anxiety, and depression and will focus on nothing but him.

Do you think I am a horrible person for complaining and being fed up by this? I just don't know how long is too long, or do you just stick this out and ride it? We tried to make a roster of things he could help out with example, cook dinner once a week, take our daughter for a walk on the weekend. But it has never ever come into fruition.

In regards to the 5 years of weekly therapy- do you think that this means there's a massive problem? He also has diagnosed OCD and has obsessive thoughts I was invited to one session once but not again. He may have a few months of being really well and feeling really well and I think "maybe this is going to be ok- maybe this is really going to work out this time" but it doesn't last.

In terms of finding help for myself, I came across the carers victoria website which has free counseling sessions and I have been in touch with them. Has anyone else used this service? Keen for feedback.

Thanks again.

[white knight]

Hi Jen

5 years therapy seems a long time if there is little progress. But who are we to judge?

There is a fine line between depression and laziness. It's hard sometimes to tell them apart. But I think you should introduce some boundaries and obligations. You are not a slave to anyone.

I say this because I wrote an article here some time ago called "caring for your "well" partner. Try googling it with Beyond Blue in front of that name. It means there are some responsibilities for the unwell towards their carer. eg  if they are capable of visiting the toilet they are capable of making the bed. If they are capable of making themselves coffee they are capable of making their working carer one when they walk in the door. If they can make a sandwich for lunch they can put on a slow cooker casserole. I get angry when some mentally ill people take advantage of a situation. My first wife was purely lazy. I worked 3 jobs so she could be a stay at home mum, a homemaker and she didnt do that well at all. even the basics. So in the end I had 5 jobs....add to the 3- homemaker and child carer. I broke down and had to leave.

In the end you might to. So time for rules.

Have a meeting. tell him you can see writing on the wall, that a marriage breakdown is imminent. But it can be saved. He doesnt work so write a list of daily tasks (avoid the word chores). Rubbish bins, sweeping the floor, making the bed, shower, basic shopping. On a good day he could do painting and general maintenance.

You'll work that out. Part of his responsibility is to chat with you over that coffee he is to make when you walk in the door. Why he couldnt achieve a task for the day. Then offer to help him do that task. Not do it alone without him.....no way...its his task not yours otherwise he will think this is cool.

Yes, it isnt easy sometimes when you have depression but there is a responsibility for everyone to carry their own load.

Tony WK

[Doolhof]

Hi Jen,

It certainly sounds like you do have your life together and congratulations to you for that!

White Knight has brought up some good comments. It is hard to know if yor husband's depression is so debilitating or if he has become lazy, stuck in a rut or just doesn't see a need to change!

Have you been to relationship counselling together? I know that is easier said than done. My husband agreed to join me, we attended once. He spoke about everything that was wrong with me and my family and far as he was concerned, that was it! We didn't go again!

When you husband speaks so negatively, can you listen for a while. Tell him that is enough and change the subject.

Can you go to his Dr and ask for advice on your husband and what else can be done for him?

It is a tough one. To stay or to leave. One I am sure many of us have debated long and hard!

Hope you are able to come with the answers for your situation!

Cheers for now from Lauren