Girlfriend is Depressed / Unlucky with Work

[AlexD]

I met my partner Sarah over a year ago and we have both battled with depression for as long as we both can remember. Since we met she has taken an active interest in medication and therapy, and its working wonders. Everything is getting better for her as she re-forges a relationship with her daughter after a divorce, and has a new loving partner in me which she always tells me she never thought she would be so happy. However, she is rather depressed because she wants to work and keeps going for job trials but it never results in a job. I've told her that I want her to be happy but in her own words she wants to: 'be an equal financial contributor to our relationship' & 'not be a financial burden on a man ever again'. This is despite her having savings and settlement money from her divorce and being on centrelink. Not to mention, I work full-time in a great job that pays well.

She is also, I don't know how to put this, a little slower to pick things up than others. She's not developmentally challenged either mentally or physically or even handicapped, but I would say it takes a bit longer for things to click, and because of this her feedback to date is that she isn't 'fast enough' or 'takes too long to pick up processes'. I attribute this to her choosing to get married straight out of high school and raising a daughter as a stay at home housewife for over 20 years. She is starting out again and is only now, at the age of 43, entering the workforce with certificates earned online and has minor in-job experience. It's not been easy on her and i've been helping out as much as I can.

It really hits me hard because she is the most beautiful soul and is one of the most compassionate people I have ever met, and I just want to wrap her in cotton-wool and protect her from the world. I support her through all she wants to do and always will, but she wants to work and keeps getting depressed when every job she goes for results in a 'sorry, we're not going to hire you'.

I am always encouraging and supportive and don't get mad at her no matter what, in fact I never stress over her abilities because she has drive to succeed. I fear for her constantly being rejected and it diminishing her self-worth after she has built herself up after the last year. I guess i've made this post today to ask how I could better support her?

[Croix]

Dear AlexD~

It's sometimes a very hard thing to bear when someone we love is suffering, and we would like to "wrap her in cotton-wool ". Not something you can really do though, and your partner would probably feel belittled if you tried.

As it is not a matter of being in a bad financial fix it looks like your partner is simply motivated by wanting to be an equal partner, maybe also needing the feelings of self worth being employed can bring. As these are her desires you can't really do much to dissuade her, neither can you provide her with a job.

I'm not sure how significant the being 'fast enough' is, some jobs require mental agility, and some don't.

What I would suggest is you encourage your partner to look at doing voluntary work for a while. This has a lot of advantages. Firstly entry requirements are not as rigid. Secondly being in a work environment can produce confidence and pride. Thirdly is provides work experience and also a possible source of references and lastly voluntary work can lead to paid employment, it has for many.

This quite apart from the fact that many such positions help society as a whole, from serving in thrift shops to working in soup kitchens to fundraising for charitable organizations to gallery guiding in museums.

I personally have found volunteering to have helped me immensely over the years. Another thing too consider is that constantly facing application rejections is pretty soul destroying. Having a -admittedly unpaid -position may make these easier to face.

I've not talked about the medical side of your partner's depression or strategies to cope with it in day to day life, that can be the subject for another time.

Please post back and say what you think

Croix

[AlexD]

Thanks Croix. I sense that she felt exactly how you explained. She has a drive to be an equal contributor and I love that about her. Since she is only getting back into the workforce I have told her that volunteering is a totally acceptable option. Even for the long term. We aren't starving, bills are easily paid, and we are even saving for the future.

I think this complex about earning comes from her father who stressed about money all her early childhood, and money seems to be a familiar theme throughout her entire ethnic family. She thinks her worth is determined by her ability to provide and has a need to seek the approval of/make of the men in her life proud (i.e. father, uncles, myself).

She knows that I am proud of her for any kind of work she gets, unpaid or not. I'm even proud of her for nailing initial interviews with only being back in the workforce after 20 odd years and all the progress she has made to redefine her life. It's especially hard on her on the days after she gets a work trial then turned down, she likes to tell everyone shes trialling a new job. Because of her excitedness (sp?) she prematurely tells everyone about her new job trial and feels terrible explaining to people who bring it up in conversation after they ask a week later. I've suggested not bringing it up until its a more casual thing, but bless her.

Could you suggest anything else I can do to help her? I am already quite encouraging and non-pressuring? She knows that volunteering is an option but wants to earn now, not later.

[Croix]

Dear Alex~

It's very hard to dissuade someone who has a fixed idea on what they want to do. I think you idea of not talking before trial periods have been completed could save grief.

Your partner is not going to change Australia's labor market, sad but true. I suggested volunteering as it is the only viable option I can think of until paid employment comes along.

All I can suggest is to emphasize the worth of some volunteering occupations which can literally save lives, something acceptable to many as a substitute for earnings. The Volunteer Fire Authority springs to mind, as does the Ambulance Service (a course is necessary) or simply feeding the homeless.

Does your partner know of anyone doing anything like this?

I hope you are able to steer your partner at least temporarily towards a more patient frame of mind

Croix