Friend with depression has developed crush

[Puppiesmakemesmile]

New to site. I have a friend/colleague who suffers from depression and has reached a really low point that has similar characteristics that showed the previous time this friend hit rock bottom and harmed themselves.They have developed feelings towards myself and am unsure on how to handle the matter and help as friend without leading him on as they keep looking at my help as being possible reciprocated feelings. Can not find any threads on forums on how to help a friend with depression that has developed feelings. I do not want to give the wrong idea but also don't want to send him into an even deeper depression as he has stopped taking his medication and won't seek help even when there is a large strong friend support base who are offering to help him through this journey and join him in seeking help so he doesn't have to do it alone. Any advice would be greatly appreciated I do not want to make things worse. 

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[white knight]

Hi puppies,

Firstly you can do what professionals do. Sometimes professionals are attracted to their patient. But being a professional means stopping feelings beyond a point. So you can continue to help this person but have boundaries. You are not responsible for his not taking medication nor if he does any self harm. Proper trained medical staff are his only real avenue for recovery not you. You can support him but not give him what he needs medically.

That's the boundary I'd set. The deeper you get into his issues the worse it will get.

Be firm. Be measured. Be a supporter not an analyser.

Tony WK

[JessF]

Hello Puppies, I agree with what Tony has said, but I think you also need to make it absolutely clear that you don't have romantic feelings for this person, that you are friends only. It may hurt, but it's the only way they'll start to get over it.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Puppies Make Me Smile, thanks for posting.

While we can't give you a clear answer of the 'best' thing to do, there are many things you can do to support someone experiencing problems with depression, and your idea to get them professional help is a good one. We find the best approach in encouraging someone to seek help is to express care and concern, highlighting what behaviour(s) or changes you’ve noticed that makes you concerned. Letting them know that if they are experiencing depression, it is a treatable condition, and perhaps providing reliable sources of information about depression to increase understanding and awareness may be helpful. Other things you might try in speaking to them are:

- Spend time talking about their feelings and let them know that you're there to listen without being judgmental.
- Suggest seeing a doctor or health professional and/or assist in making an appointment.
- Offer to go with them to the doctor or health professional.
- Encourage trying to get enough sleep, exercise, eat well and use self-help strategies.
- Encourage friends and family members to invite them out, without the pressure to actively participate.
-If you think he may do something to harm himself, you can also speak to the Mental Health team for support in what to do. They are available 24/7 at 1800 011 511

Our Have The Conversation page has some helpful short videos on having the conversation with someone about getting help that you may also want to consider watching.

Supporting someone with anxiety or depression can be difficult and it is important to also take care of yourself. The beyondblue website also has a helpful section for family and friends.

While you are right, there is not much research or evidence to suggest the best way to help someone who has developed feelings, others have certainly been there before, and on either side of it. We hope that the online community here provides you with helpful support that also empowers you to continue moving forward in supporting your friend.

Take care and don't hesitate to contact our Support Service if you would like any information, referrals, or brief support to do with depression and anxiety. They can be reached 24/7 at 1300 224 636 or online via webchat daily from 3pm-midnight.

[Neil_1]

Hi there puppies

Welcome to the site and White Knight has provided you with some very good advice.

If I may, I’d just like to chip and suggest something also. 

You’ve mentioned they’ve developed feelings towards yourself – has he actually told you, or are you picking up ‘vibes’ from him?  I guess either way, I’m very much in your corner whereby you say, that you wish to continue to help as a friend, without giving any options where you could be leading him on and hence make his depression worsen.

Now obviously this is just my thoughts on this, and I’d welcome your feedback on this (or others if they’re reading), but if you really feel that this could get to a point where he’s trying to seek out more from you, I’d be suggesting, perhaps a coffee or something to sit with him and talk to him.  At no point say that you will abandon him at all, but just to stress the message that you’re here as a friend, a very concerned friend for him and wanting to help him through, but that a relationship isn’t in the picture.  “Oh boy, that last line sounds too harsh”, but again, it’s just me trying to offer some help.

But if that could be re-worded better, that would be my thought on this, just so as he knows it clear in his head, where you stand on this whole issue.

I hope that’s helped in some way.

Neil