Feeling in despair and lost with impending separation

[Flowertop]

My partner of almost 30 years has been quite withdrawn and isolated himself from me for sometime. When our children left home, he stopped eating evening meal with me and would have headphones on listening to podcasts or would watch tv programs I had no interest in.
Our children are currently back living with us and he was just ignoring me or turning up the tv in annoyance when I spoke.
He came out with it recently that he hates work and is negative about most of his work mates and it sounds like he has isolated himself at work.

He announced to me that he had no feelings for me.

My immediate reaction is to move away but I have no support network and don’t know where to disappear to. I feel ashamed and embarrassed and shocked at the same time. I did not see this coming.
I am an emotional wreck at times and am scared.

[ConfusedNanxious]

Hi Flowertop,

I thought I would leave this message to check in and see how you are going.

I am sending you virtual hugs and the best of vibes.

- CnA

[Flowertop]

Hi CN

I really appreciate you checking in on me. Your posts have help keep me grounded. I wrote a long post to you on the 23 rd as I was once again in total despair and felt the need to escape. Unfortunately through my tears, it wouldn’t post and somehow deleted but I didn’t have the emotion energy to rewrite it and it was a release just organising my thoughts into words.
I was researching a road trip to somewhere with initial plans to leave Boxing Day. I could not think of a person I could go to and plan was just to drive a long way. I went to bed exhausted with emotional.
The next day I woke up and felt like my emotions settled and my mood had lifted. It really validated to me that low mood does lift with time so hang in there.
My partner was then in a distressed state, stating he hadn’t slept worrying about everyone and me. I was thinking, what is this, does he seem to be traveling well when I’m not and then when I’m traveling ok, he is not. Do you think that is a thing or does it just feel that way.
I mentioned this to our son, he told me that that doesn’t matter but I just need to take care of myself for now.
My son is amazingly compassionate of mine and his fathers feelings. He has had a major heartbreak which affected him for a long time. He ended up moving interstate to heal.
My daughter was home Christmas Eve and I could see how vulnerable she is. You were spot on with even though my children were adults, she has not had this experience. She is also in her first relationship with a really nice guy, her age and so is in her own magical world with him. Nice to see but this has really floored her.
I got through Christmas pretty well. Had the odd phone call from my partners family who live interstate but neither of us felt like answering, so didn’t. Just stayed in the moment for the day. Decided not to think about , this could be our lady Christmas as our little family and enjoyed my son, daughter and her boyfriend when he arrived.
It was our dog’s anniversary, he was a Christmas gift to our children 12 years ago, so we always have fun conversations about him.
I hope your Christmas was good or a least bearable. How are you going with things?
Thankyou so much for your support, you sound like an amazing, caring person.

[ConfusedNanxious]

Hi Flowertop,

Despite how difficult your Christmas sounds, I am glad to hear from you.

Even though you may not have followed through with your plan for a road trip, the fact that you took the time to consider it for yourself is a wonderful step. Despite the turmoil (added to it by being Christmas) you still took the time to assess your own needs and that is always something that should sit in your mind. So well done.

And it is true, your mood can lift of its own accord. You may not feel like anything has changed, but on certain days you feel more capable, and it is important to hold onto those and know that soon enough all days will feel better and the 'down' periods become less and less as you adjust and make time for the good things in life.

It can often feel like when you are travelling well, your significant other is not (or vice versa). And sometimes this can be the case, or simply a coincidence. It may very well be that when you are travelling well, your partner may (subconsciously) exaggerate his symptoms as a way to ensure that he is being seen and cared for (if he is in a particularly fragile state). His anxiety may flare up when he views people as being okay, and he isn't, and this only makes things worse for himself.

It is important that you did take the time for yourself, and not worry about the expectations of other family members (i.e. the phone calls). Ultimately, regardless of whether it is Christmas or not, your experience is your own and you can share it with who you see fit and at the time you see fit.

My Christmas was as nice as possible. Certain thoughts were always at the back of my mind, but I managed to stay in the moment as much as possible and felt comfortable around my family.

Thank you for your kind comments. You sound like (and obviously are) a very caring person, who loves her family deeply. You are so strong - I can see that in how you are trying to look out for yourself and your family at the same time.

I hope to hear from you soon. And I am sending you all the best.

- CnA