How can I help my son?

[Mermatemi]

Yesterday my 24 year old son did not attend our Christmas gathering. I felt deveststed as it was a special occasion meeting new family of my daughters fiancé. I was worried for my son and so sad that he missed out on a special occasion. However I didn’t understand it was his anxiety. Now disappointed w myself bc I was angry w him yesterday. How can I help him.???

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to beyond blue. Your reaction was natural - you had planned something and without warning he didn't show. What you didn't know was his anxiety.

Now you asked about how you can help him.

There are a few things that you could do - I could say you could educate yourself about anxiety. You could ask him how you could help him. Yet if there were one thing that overrules the above it is to listen and accept him as he is. I suspect you already love and accept him based on your post.

If you are a person with anxiety, you don't really know how others might react. So you (he) may not say anything, be that guilt, fear, embarrassment, etc. Rather than advice, suggest you just talk to him and listen. And if he doesn't want to talk that is ok, and remind him that you are there if he does want to chat.

Tim

[Flowertop]

Hi Mermatemi

I am sorry to hear that happened. I think Tim gave some really good advice and had great insight.

Christmas is a tough time when people and family can be forced to spend time together. It can be an anxious time even when you know all the people attending. I imagine there would of been a few anxious people at your gathering, especially with added new first impressions stuff.

My son use to hide or disappear if he was home and people popped in related to his anxiety. This would make me anxious and awkward but I know now that it was heaps worse for him.
It would be good if you can let your son know that it is alright. He is an adult and should be able to make his own decisions as to whether he attends or not. It sounds like he just couldn’t and that is good if he has communicated that to you.
I know I have put so much extra pressure on my son at times and this has not been helpful. Just makes him more anxious and effects his self esteem. The opposite of what I want for him.

You sound like such a caring mother, don’t let this cloud your day. The day was really about your daughter, so I hope she enjoyed the day and you have positive elements of the day to draw on. Your sons absence would not have been that significant in relation to all else which was going on.
It’s hard being a parent and we need to cut ourselves some slack.
All the best and congrats on your daughters engagement. Hope they are a nice family.