Feeling helpless

[Seesaw]

My husband of 13 years and best friend of 20 years left our home, me, and our 4 children 6 weeks ago. He has been diagnosed with bipolar and severe depression and says that he just feels nothing. He continues to support us financially and by picking the kids up and dropping them off at school but he's not feeling any real connection with us or anything really. I've tried giving him space, I've tried being supportive and listening. I've tried focusing on me and the kids, I've tried being passionate, I've tried listening to the advice of others. I don't know how to be. I want my husband home and loving me but understand he can't do that yet. I don't want him to think I don't love him but I also don't want him to think he can come and have happy family time here and then just leave and do whatever he wants the rest if the time. I just want someone to tell me exactly what I need to do to support him to remember how much we love each other. I miss him. His kids miss him and I'm scared that he will never be well enough to value that. 

How do I respond/support him without losing him?

[AGrace]

Hi Seesaw,

I was actually replying to LonelyMiss' post earlier today, and it appears that the 2 of you are going through a similar experience. If you'd like to follow her thread you can enter  My husband moved out and I'm so alone... into the search function.

You are in a tricky situation. I know you mentioned everything you have been trying to change about yourself in order to make the relationship work. This might sound incompassionate but have you thought about the idea that it's not you who needs to change? Perhaps this is about your husband? When was he diagnosed with Bipolar? Is he maybe still getting used to this? Is he struggling to manage the symptoms? Is he seeking the help of a professional and taking medication?

I also wonder whether your husband and you would be open to some relationship counselling? It might be more beneficial to be able to talk things through whilst getting some guidance.

It's really tough helping someone with a mental illness. Do you think perhaps it's worthwhile you getting some extra support?

I understand there are children involved, and no doubt they are struggling with this. Has your husband been able to speak with them about his decision and his future plans?

Sorry I'm asking lots of questions, so I might leave it there and wait for you to get back to us.

There's always someone on the forums, and we're all here to listen and support you as best we can.

AGrace

[Seesaw]

Hi AGrace,

thank you so much for your response. 

I have to admit to being quite anxious that I wouldn't hear from anyone. 

My husband has only been diagnosed for about 3 months and he is seeing a psychologist fortnightly. He isn't interested in medication. He doesn't think he needs it. I am also seeing my own psych but she encourages me to embrace being a single woman and to distance myself from him (he has done some hurtful things over the last few years which have lead us to the break up). 

I do understand that there is nothing I can do as believe me I've tried everything. I know it is his problem but I'm the only one I can control and change so I guess I want to own that. 

I do feel extremely lonely and sad (but I do have lots of happy moments with my kids and friends). 

I would also love to do some counselling together and we did try once but he resents spending the money and doesn't believe they know anything.

its a big uphill battle. I'm just tired.

im also feeling very confused as he texts/calls/comes over every day and then I come crumbling down when he leaves again. I feel like I'm being kept just at arms length in case he changes his mind. 

I do thank you very much for your response and appreciate the opportunity to pour out my emotions in a safe non-judgemental place. 

Any further advice is extremely welcomed. 

Xx

[AGrace]

Hi Seesaw,

I like your perspective, and you're right, the only thing you can control is you. You can also control what happens to you. If you're crumbling every time he comes over or calls or texts, then I wonder whether you should put a stop to this while you gain some perspective on the situation. It's not fair if his actions are causing you unnecessary distress.

I'm glad to hear you are both seeking independent help. If he's against counselling, would he be willing to have you attend a couple of his Psychologist appointments with him? I can understand your Psychologist's opinion. I think it could be unhealthy to keep holding onto the idea that the relationship is salvageable. If you are able to let go of this idea and start doing things for your own happiness, then him coming back into your life in the future would firstly be more of an informed decision for you to make, and I guess a bonus if this is still what you're wanting. (I say informed, because you will have experience being with him and being without him, so you will have a better idea of your needs and wants)

This is relatively new to him. Was he diagnosed by his GP or Psychologist? Has he done much research about Bipolar? I'm yet to meet anyone who has battled this illness without the help of medication. The sad thing is, that he has an illness that can be treated with medication, whereas so many others can't.

I'm glad you've found the forums a good sounding board.

AGrace