Feel so helpless, husband in different state and depressed

[Ineedhelpplease]

Hi, so I’m new to this, let me start off with we had a big move in 2016 spent our life’s savings moving only to find my husbands job that we moved for fell through and we’re both without jobs for 4 months, he finally got the job but it was too late so we decided together that me and the kids would go back and live at his parents, we have now been apart for 7 months but in the last 2 weeks my husband has taken a turn for the worse, I hadn’t realised he was feeling the way he was and told me he couldn’t see colours anymore and everything was dark and grey and then said he was going to do everyone a favour!! Sending me into dispair so i booked a ticket and went to visit him, but he wasn’t the man he used to be he couldn’t look at me, touch me, talk to me or kiss me, he also told me i should nice back to England with the kids but knew this was a front to try and push me away, I told him I would never leave him and would always be here to support him... I stayed strong all weekend and the moment I couldn’t see him I broke down for 4 Hrs looking like a crazy woman on the flight!!! Scary thing is no one asked me if I was ok..... the worst part of it all is he won’t go and see a doctor and I can’t get him to go and see one, I can’t make him do the things he needs to from a different state, I know I need to give him time but being so far apart I don’t know what’s happening.... our kids are very young 18 months and 3 1/2 years but his shut everyone out and won’t talk to anyone, only me over txt rarely, he won’t answer my calls and ignores me, he managed to FaceTime the kids for 10 mins the other day... which I’m so thankful for as my son is starting to act out... I’m really starting to struggle with this... it seems like there’s no end in sight, I know he loves me and the kids but I really need him to come home so we can help him get thru this!!! I’m so lost without him!!! 

[Croix]

Dear Ineedhelpplease~

I can understated how you felt as you left him to fly home, and also really feel for you when nobody offered to assist. It is a terrible situation to be in.

Now at the moment you have talked about how you have tried to help, which is marvelous, however living away at the moment makes it just about impossible and I suspect would not be enough by itself anyway. If your husband is unwilling to get medical help it would appear you are stuck, however I would suggest you enlist other help and see what can be done. You already would know to contact triple zero if you felt his life was in immediate danger.

There my be the equivalent of CATT teams in his area whose job it is to asses people at risk and follow up with action or recommendations.

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/crisis-management

May I suggest you talk to your GP (and his as well) and see if such a facility is available in you husband's area. If so it may be awkward to set up an assessment, however it might be a start. That visit might also yield more advice and medical support for you too.

Additionally does he have anyone that can help support him at a distance- parents or other family or friends?

One thing that is hard to accept is that one person by his or herself cannot keep another person alive by themself. It is a group effort between the person in trouble, the doctors and other health professionals, and the person's loved ones and friends. All have a necessary part to play.

In passing I'll mention the excellent free smartphone app BeyondNow. I realize at a distance this would be difficult for you to complete with your husband but it might help. The idea is you fill it in together with activities and resources for when he is overwhelmed. There is more in it htan oyu might expect. It becomes something easy to reach for. It does take more than one person to fill it in. Trying to do it by myself did not work well, it needed someone else who knew me well, my likes and fears.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

When filling in emergency numbers I'd particularly recommend the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 who are realistic, professional and can be a real comfort.

I'm also concerned about you. You are in a highly stressful situation living on tenterhooks, and feeling powerless. Is there any support for you? Even just talking to someone who cases can hep lift the burden a little

Please let us know how you are getting on

Croix

[Ineedhelpplease]

Hi Croix’s

thank you got your reply, I guess I should also mention he has stated that he does need help but is not ready but his the sort of person that will try and fix this himself.... his just so ashamed of what his said this is why he couldn’t talk to me or look at me!!! I just wish I could have him here with his family, I am currently living with his parents and sister so have the support here, I am starting to struggle living here (only thru wanting my own space and not living in a bedroom with my 2 kids) his parents and sister are all at a loss as well, we’re very concerned for him but I thought today I wouldn’t txt or call him to give him a little space but don’t know if this is the right option and it’s killing me not speaking to him... I have looked into local counselling for myself, just need to call them but working full time and trying to make time for the kids is pretty full on too!!! Unfortunately he doesn’t have anyone where he is only a couple of friends but he is shutting everyone out and won’t answer his phone, I guess I just have to ride it out but I’m the sort of person that can’t let things sit.... I also don’t want him to get deeper and deeper into his depression, as soon as he sees someone the better it will become, I’m just scared that he will never seek help and feel abandoned.... I would move out with my kids into a rental but that then means paying 2 lots of rent... we were meant to go back to where he is in April but I can’t see that happening as we will just fall into that same hole!!! I just wish he would realise that his whole support network is here... it would be much more beneficial for us all here to be able to start again....

[Croix]

Dear Ineedhelpplease~

Distance makes things so hard, I remember in my own case it was the idea that I could feel better that tended to strike a chord. Yes feeling ashamed and wanting to keep it to oneself is a big drive. Do you think he might respond better if one of his parents or his sister was with him for a bit?

I'm pleased you have support and are looking into counseling. I would think your doctor would give you a medical certificate if you needed to take a few hours off work to go.

Croix