does anyone else get anxious/angry/depressed after dark

[witsend]

My partner goes into a downward spiral as soon as the sun goes down. He gets anxious, then angry, and suddenly has to go to bed, usually before we eat. This might be at 6.30 or 7 at night, then he sleeps fitfully and is never wide awake till after 8 or 9am. I have to creep around like a mouse or I get shouted at. This has been going on for over a year. During this time I persuaded him to cut down severely on alcohol as it had been affecting his mood at night for several decades, but the anxiety and the need to go to bed is a new thing.

During the day he's fine, and he's also ok when we go out or have friends around - but I have stopped inviting people round after 6pm to avoid unpleasant scenes.

Is this common? He often completely forgets what happened the night before, especially our conversations. Also, when he's alone, he sometimes gets hallucinations - hears noises or voices in the house. When he tells me about them I don't make a big deal out of it - but I'm sure this is a serious problem that needs to be diagnosed. I just know I'm not the person who can tell him what's happening. If I can read about parallel experiences I might get a better understanding of what's going on.

[therising]

Hi witsend

My heart truly goes out to you as you face a number of deeply challenging factors during this time in your life and your relationship with your partner.

His drinking sounds like a significant factor in both your lives. It can be deeply challenging living with a drinker. Just a few of the many challenges

• They drink to obtain a certain feeling or set of feelings or emotions. If their achieved emotional state (through alcohol) is disturbed, they can become angry or resentful
• Modifying your own life and your own nature can be part of the deal when it comes to living with a drinker. You can lose parts of yourself in the process. Whether it's the carefree part of you that's lost to stress and upset or the socialite in you who misses having friends around or some other part of you, there can be painful or saddening sacrifices
• Having to manage when you talk to a drinker can mean finding the right time to discuss important matters so that those matters can be recalled at a later time. You have to manage their ability to remember things

I could go on but I'm sure you have your own list that you can relate to. Sometimes it's only in hindsight that a lot of things start to add up to help explain why it can be stressful, upsetting or even depressing for some people who live with someone who drinks. I think what starts out for a drinker as a seemingly harmless way to unwind or relax or feel happier can turn into a major problem for those in the life of that person. It can be hard to convince them that it's become a major problem. Sometimes they just can't see it or they refuse to look at it. Btw, alcohol in large amounts can be a serious sleep disruptor, which doesn't help with energy during the day.

With the voices your partner mentions hearing, it would be interesting to know exactly what he hears. Whether it's inner dialogue that sounds real to him or it's something else, maybe this is something you can get a better sense of if you knew what the 'voices' sounded like. While we may have some kind of inner sage in us that perhaps dictates 'You need to leave this job, it's no good for you' or perhaps an inner adventurer that insists 'It's time for adventure. When was the last time you went on a holiday', the 'you' factor that can be involved in inner dialogue is a quirky factor. The darker side of the 'you' factor is a whole other issue. 'No one likes you' or 'You can't trust anyone' or 'What's the point of you even existing' can still be inner dialogue (maybe coming from our inner critic or some other facet) but when it sounds real to someone and like it's coming from somewhere else, it can become extremely convincing and even stressful or scary in some cases.

This is a lot for you to be trying to manage alone. Do you have any trusted friends you could speak to who could perhaps guide you or does your partner have any genuinely caring and loving family members who could step in to serve him in certain ways? It's so important that you look after your own mental, physical and soulful sense of wellbeing. In some cases we need to put our self first or else the sacrifices we continue making for others inevitably begin taking a toll on us.❤️