Do I stay or give up?

[Stressed]

I have been with my second husband for 13 years.  I have 2 grown up daughters from my previous marriage, he has no children. He has suffered depression on and off over the years. He has sought help over the years, he has been on anti depressants for years and has had counselling. His mental state has affected me greatly, bringing me down to his depressive state.  I feel can't continue like this.  I have tried my very best to support him over the years. I want a happy marriage, with love and laughter.  He goes into his depressive moods when I say something he doesn't like. It's now got to the stage, again, where I have told him that I can't go on with this marriage any more, that I want a marriage of love and laughter, and fun in the present, not dwelling on the past and thinking of the bad all the time. I am very angry with his behaviour.  He no doubt has depression/stress and is undergoing counselling, but it's not the first time he has had counselling.  I give him lots of suggestions (having suffered myself many years ago) but he doesn't stick to things.  He starts talking of committing suicide, which I don't doubt he feels at time.  I find I've lost my empathy.  He has threatened suicide a number of times over the years, especially when I say I will leave.  I'm sick of getting so low.  Round and round we go, a vicious circle.  I've now told him I can't deal with this any more as it's affecting our relationship. All he does then is cry.  I don't doubt he's suffering but isn't enough, enough?  Help please, because I don't know what to do because I do love him but I'm exhausted.  He blames me all the time for asking him to do things "all the time" and then he gets depressed!  I've told him he has to accept responsibility for his own moods/state of mind, not me.  I'm sick of being blamed for how he thinks. If I leave (which I did before) he threatens to kill himself.  Last time I called the police, he was taken to hospital but then released.  This is all too much, especially when I have my father in a nursing home, and work stressors. I've given him an ultimatum - get to see a psychiatrist to re-assess his mental state and medication (not just the psychologist and his GP) and make a commitment to me that he will work hard to get better or we separate for my own well being.  Is this too much to ask?  How do I keep my own sanity, in addition to work pressures and family pressures?

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[JessF]

Hello Stressed, this is a very sad situation and I will keep my advice simple.  You have two options, which are not the two in your post, stay or give up.  The two options are, stay OR put yourself and your wellbeing first.  You have given so much support and love but ultimately we are all responsible for ourselves and if it's getting to the point where you are going downhill, and you are, then you must put yourself first - and also your family, thinking about your father here who you also are responsible for at the moment.

It is not fair for your husband to blackmail you with suicide threats, as that is what he is doing, whether he realises it or not.  

I would get along to your GP and get some psychologist sessions yourself, because you need some support for you even if it's just to vent your own frustrations.  This is an unhealthy situation you are in, and I believe it is time that you put yourself first. 

There is only so much you can do for your husband, as debilitating as depression is, you cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

[Struggler]

Hi Stressed

Sounds like your husband doesn't want help to get well and drag you into the deep whole with him.   You can only lead a horse to the water hole but cannot force it to drink, or something like that.  You know what I mean.

If you don't get out you'll end up getting destroyed mentally with him.  You're both finished and your father will have nobody to care for him.  If you leave, it might shake him up to seek help.  Ok he suffers from depression but he is also a grown man.  Emotional blackmail to make you feel guilty is the usual tactic of someone who has no courage to take responsibility.  They rarely carry out such threat.  So save yourself and you father and get out unless he is willing to seek help to improve himself.

Struggler

[white knight]

Hi Stressed,

I agree with the above two posters.  Emotional blackmail is cruel, intentionally or otherwise.  Ditto with the rest.  Care for yourself. He has to rise up with some courage. As hard as his situation seems.

[Dilemma]

I am in a similar situation to yourself (my posts with replies are now in this section). I saw my psych yesterday & he advised me to stop trying fix things, just stand still and let him get help for himself. This is really hard, I'm very frustrated and angry too, particularly because my husband decided there was nothing wrong with him & took himself off his medication. He is an intelligent adult & I think I have mothered him too much. Consequently, though, while I wait for him to have his awakening, he is ruining his relationships, we're sleeping in separate bedrooms, & barely speak. I worry that I will stop loving him enough to stay, & I also worry about the impact on our 2 children (13 & 15). I empathise with you very much. Seeing a psych has really helped me, are you doing that? I also have great friends around me & try to get out & do fun stuff (without my husband) as much as I can. If anything else comes to mind that I think might help you, I'll let you know.