Diagnosed then Divorced

[Rob_N]

My (ex)wife struggled with bi polar & ADDher whole life, but wasn't diagnosed until a month ago. Days after getting diagnosed & being put on medication our marriage ended.

When we first met, as amazing as my wife was, she was timid, shy, and struggled communicating. I assumed she was late bloomer & as she gained experience she would thrive. As the relationship progressed her timidness and inability to communicate clearly became a problem. She also didn't keep promises, had outbursts, & struggled to apply for & keep jobs (she started off strong but would quit or get fired in a few months).

I struggled & the relationship started to slip into something that felt more like a parent-child relationship. I saw so much potential and I didn't understand why she struggled to let it out.

10 months ago she fell into severe depression (self injury, suicide threats, mood swings, tantrums, shutting down, fidgeting). At first, I thought she was doing it all to hurt me and she was being selfish. I didn't understand. I cried and I could barely eat.

5 months ago, I was finally, sort of, understood and I started to fight the depression and not her (as much). I pushed her to admit her problems, to tell the nurse her problems, to be honest with the therapist. I lost myself. But, I stuck by her.

At the same time, a local guy (no hs degree, bad job, bad reputation) started to pursue her.

She went on & off meds she didn't like. Then I went to the nurse with her and I explained all her symptoms. The nurse said, "I had no idea! You're bi polar. I have a medication that will help you."

5 days later, I had my wife back. I could finally breathe. I was quickly falling in love w/her again. Then, I went out of town for work. On the day I was supposed to return, we spoke on the phone and she was so sweet and warm. We made plans for the holidays and for our future (she could finally envision the future again!), but sadly, I had to tell her I wouldn't make it home that night. I'd be home the next day.

I came home the next night to a clean house, a dinner in the fridge, but no wife. She texted, "Don't worry I'm not breaking any promises. I'm not doing anything wrong. I just had a lot of energy. I'm feeling good and I'm just being me." She came home 6 hours later a 5AM. She had been to the big city all night with the local who was pursuing her. She didn't think she did anything wrong, but my heart was broken. Now, I'm confused, alone, and broken. Why did this happen? I fought so hard. 😞

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Rob, there is no doubt some mental illness disorders can effect how we react, behave and tolerate others but, in my experience (I have bipolar) it doesn’t cause you to ditch your principles and threaten your marriage. Those decisions are not remedied by more or different medications.

What I’m suggesting is there must be other factors like- change of life, attitudes or her views of the marriage, factors that a family counsel or might get to the bottom of but less likely you will without conflict.

Im sad for you because my gut feeling is that you are going to find your marriage hard to keep together. Having spirts of happiness won’t override the erratic behaviour. If these situations get too much to bare self survival is imperative I’m sad to say.

Stand by your ethics, her staying out all night with another man was plain wrong imo and no explaining it otherwise would be tolerated if I was you.

Relationships Australia might be able to help. If she won’t attend I suggest you attend yourself.

TonyWK

[Rob_N]

Thanks for the response.

It was so strange because she kept telling me that she didn't think she did anything wrong or break a promise to me. I asked her, "How did you think I would react?" and she just said something along the lines of, "I was just feeling good and I went with it. I know you don't want me to be drinking so I didn't drink. I didn't do anything wrong." (It is hard to know if this is a lie because I want to believe it.)

It is also tough because we were in the process of buying a home, which was exciting, but also difficult and created feelings of permanency, which were scary to me as well.

I don't know. I feel like she became a new person while she was in this deep deep 10 month depression or she has written off all the mean things that she did to me (partially) because of how far she had sunk, but she holds me 100% accountable for my responses to her undiagnosed issue. And, I knew she was so angry at me for telling her therapist about the suicide threats, she so angry at me for asking what happened w/the nurse, she was so angry when I told the nurse everything, and so on.

I thought all anger would go away after she got medicated/properly diagnosed. I didn't think I'd be fighting to help get diagnosed and treated and then left behind.

It was just such a brutal battle and it hurt me so badly, I really was looking forward to rebuilding the relationship (which suffered under the circumstances, I lost all my energy and was mentally exhausted and wasn't the best partner in terms of fun) and I was looking forward to her finally being able to rebuild me a little. Instead of just ignoring the fact that I was crying and struggling to eat.

[white knight]

I’d like you to consider a few things.

She seems to know you very well, can push your buttons by shifting blame and there is murky waters in your past regarding when she was depressed when you fell in a heap also which is very common. It isn’t your fault!

Your standards in your relationship is as important as hers, she should respect them. Spending the early hours with another man is totally unacceptable to YOU, therefore your assumptions as to what they got up to is very justified and how ever she tries to fib it off as “I didn’t do anything wrong” is again, an example of disrespect.

Id seek relationship counseling. If she won’t go that will tell you everything and go alone to get some clarity.

Im sorry for your predicament but you might need to choose to move on instead of committing yourself further with property.

TonyWK

[Rob_N]

Thanks.

Yea, it is over. But, I just don't want it to be. I feel like I'm living in an alternate timeline.

The day this all happened was insanely erratic. We had a wild emotional day (me crying/yelling about divorce, us making out, us getting groceries, us fighting, the whole thing).

Then, the next day, she initially wanted to get back together. She said she had let it get out of hand, she should have listened to me, and all that. I told her that I could consider it and she'd have to never see this guy again. She said, "I kind of already did." Then I asked to see the text to him and the text just said, "I can't leave him [me] like this. He is taking really hard and he took care of me for 2 years."

Then I saw the other messages and she told him prior to this, "I had a great weekend!" and "I'm enamored with you" and I was broken. And then I saw found out they had hung out the night before she went to the big city with him.

Before, I even had a chance to react, she was in the shower injuring herself and trying to kill herself. I then had to wrestle the objects out of her hands and calm her down and lay her down in bed. I had to rub her back after all this and then she just left the next day.

I just don't understand how I became the villain. I thought once she was medicated she could finally take care of me again. I thought we would rebuild.

And, we kind of were. Our conversations had become lighter after she got her emotions back. Our texts were warm and light. I saw the future I had been so desperate to realize. And, now it is all gone. She basically ignores me (she won't even really discuss business aspects of getting separated) and the only thing in the whole world I want is to hurt to acknowledge/care about me. I waited so long for her to have emotions/feelings again and I was teased with a taste of the warmth I needed so badly.

For the first time, I just don't really have a reason to fight any more. Maybe, it was a bad psychological crutch, but fighting for our better future is the only thing that kept me going. Now, I can't fight for it. She has dug in and even if I allowed her back she won't come back. It just doesn't feel real. I thought we had fought the battle and we could relax for a little bit.

[Donnabalnor]

Hi sorry you are having a rough time and apart from seeing someone who can help you both sort out mess you are in is the only advice I can offer but keep chatting on this site people do care, regards Donnabalnor

[Rob_N]

Thanks. I appreciate you responding to my situation.

It is rough and I appreciate the ability to get it all out there.

[quirkywords]

Rob,

I have been reading your posts which have moved me with their honesty and emotion.

I was in denial for over 16 years before I would admit I had bipolar and starting taking medication. I thought once I took medication everything would be fine and it has mostly but I can still make mistakes and do strange things while on medication. My behaviour is not as wild and destructive as it was when I was unmedicated but it can still be unpredictable.

I can understand that you have struggled through the difficult time and now you thought the medication my change this.

Often it takes a while for medication to work and while it is settling down , one can feel all over the place.

Are you getting support for yourself as you are under a lot of stress and upheaval. Tony mentioned about getting some counselling for both of you and for yourself if she will not go. What do you feel about that suggestion?

I hope writing here is helping in some small way.

Quirky