Depression in family and coping mechanisms

[Kia]

Hi,
I am keen to hear from others who may be experiencing the same situation and can provide insight into some coping mechanisms.
I suffer from anxiety and depression, and was diagnosed when I was 19. My father has also been experiencing the same since he was in his 30s and as his condition was diagnosed much later in his life, he turned to alcohol and now struggles with alcoholism as well. My mum, partly due to genetics and due to what life threw her way, has her own battles with anxiety and now depression. My brother was also diagnosed for OCD and depression, after his episode was triggered due to being bullied at school. For many years, we hid what was happening to us and never talked about our issues. When dad would go through his mood swings and leave home, or when my parents would fight, we would think this is normal and how all families behave. As children, we didn't talk about our feelings or learn resilience. After meeting my husband, I realised how broken my growing up situation really was and how these issues needed to be addressed.
Things aren't great now. My dad's depression is getting worse despite medication, he refuses help for his alcoholism, there is chaos at home, it impacts my mum and my brother, I hear about it, I get silent treatment from my dad and then it impacts me too. Whilst I have accepted that medication will be a part of my recovery, my question is (Especially for those who have a family history of depression) - how do you cope in these situations? In one way, I feel for my mum and dad, I want to be there for all three of them but when I get too close to the situation, I know I cannot cope mentally and emotionally. I lack resilience in that regard. I don't want to cut off relations with my father either, I see he is suffering but I do not know how to help him. At his worse, he threatens separation from my mother, but she is trying her hardest to hold things together. How do I help them without it impacting me but also maintaining a positive environment for my kids and spouse. How do you detach yourself emotionally and still be there?
Keen to hear your experiences and thanking you in advance.

Kia

[geoff]

hello Kia, I'm sorry that there seems to be much going on not only for yourself but with the rest of the family, especially with your father drinking alcohol and your brother having OCD, both which I have struggled with and the latter I've had for 58 years.

With your father and his alcohol problem you can talk until you are black in the face because the decision has to come from him to either give up and to get help.

Your first priority is to look after yourself and your own family, you need your strength so that it won't affect you, because what is happening is not bouncing off you so that you can think clearly.

Alcohol maybe the main problem between your mum and dad and maybe it's being used to self medicate his issues, but I would suggest that your mum seeks help, because it's going to be difficult for her to hold the marriage together if he continues to drink.

You must get the help so that this doesn't affect your own marriage. Geoff.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey Kia,

Thanks for your post.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation; it sounds like a bit of a tango between wanting to help but wanting to keep yourself coping but wanting to keep things positive with your kids and spouse.

I know from my own experiences, a big key is resilience. It sounds like overtime you have learned that even though there is no normal, the way that your family behaved wasn't really the 'norm' or a healthy environment to grow up in. For me personally, this came with a lot of grief. I dealt with a lot of abuse and it took (and is taking) a lot of time to learn that I didn't need to grow up in that environment. Even though our situations are widely different, I think there's probably some similarities in that you're becoming your own person now being able to distance yourself from how you were feeling in your childhood. Does this make sense?

What do you think the ideal situation might look like for you? Ultimately you can't change your parents behaviour which you know - but if you could have the best case scenario, what would that be like? Is that you seeing your parents for the weekend and having a nice time without feeling like you can't cope? Or is it that you push and encourage your parents to get some help? I think it would be really helpful to see if you can get an idea of what is important to you and where your values sit. Some people want to create distance - detach from relationships; others only want to see their parents on the weekend; others want to forgive and forget. It's up to you to decide what feels right for you.

I feel like having that really clear picture on what you want can make things a bit easier - once you have that 'ideal' then maybe the next step could be looking at how you need to get there.

I hope that this resonates with you and helps a little.