Depression- he wants to be alone and needs space

[Zeerose]

 I need advice ... I have been seeing my partner for 4 months absolutely crazy in love for eachother never really had any problems , best friends we were. He went to prison for three months he didn't want to tell me disappeared on me but I kind of forced it of him . He was then glad he told me as I stood by him .. The Last month he was in prison I didn't hear from him but I still wrote. He came out I saw him once and things were so beautiful for that moment yet he did seem reserved .. But that's understandable coming out he told me he still loved me missed me .. But couple hours later he started messaging me telling me he thinks he should be alone. He's not the same person anymore . It's not me .  everything changed just like that. I'm trying to respect his wishes for space but it's so hard . Doesn't respond to my messages or calls just is cold and sends I need to be alone don't worry about me focus on you and your life . Makes me sad angry hurt and absolutely torn . After couple weeks of trying to get thru to him I went to his house . I didn't want to as he lives with his family and it's the first time . He wasn't there he went away to the beach ... I was upset he didn't tell me he went away but I mean he is a grown man to do as he pleases. The next week I went passed again as I was going crazy . I couldn't understand he wouldn't tell me anything I needed peace I needed closure. I saw him he told me he was broken. And was unhappy being out . He told me that he crumbles when he sees me ... It's so sad because I crumble without him... I told him how I felt and where I stood and that I care . He then told me we could be friends that didn't really last long. Messages stopped its been a week. I don't know what to do. I want to try and give him space but I don't want him to think I've given up or abandoned him. I have been messaging him constantly because I'm worried and want him to know I love and care for him. I don't want him to move on without me. What should or can I do ???

[Zeal]

Hi Zeerose,

Your situation is a challenging one. It’s great that you two were really close before. Going to jail generally has far-reaching consequences, and it’s important to look after your own health and safety. The amount of care you should take in terms of your own safety and wellbeing depends on the nature of the crime or act he committed. Sometimes people go to jail for things which they truly regret doing, and won’t repeat again. Unfortunately it is not uncommon for individuals who have done jail time to reoffend. It sounds as though he knows his influence on you could be negative, so is telling you to instead focus on your own life.

Sending him constant messages could get frustrating, for both of you. Try sending a message only every several days. Rather than texting him about seeing each other, try sending messages such as: “I hope you’re doing okay today. If you need to talk to someone, I am here for you.” This way, you give him the opportunity to seek help from you, without pushing to help him or see him. He also probably needs a period of time to adjust to life outside prison. Being confined in a correctional facility away from the general community for months on end, and then being released back into community life, can be a shock to the system.

I know it must be hard on you to give him complete space, as you really care about him and like being with him. My advice is to try your best to give him the emotional and physical space he needs. Perhaps in a month’s time he will reignite the friendship. In the meantime, try to keep going with your life as usual. If you find yourself missing him intensely, try spending more time with other friends, or getting to know new people. If you are struggling to deal with the loss of his love and friendship, try talking to a close friend or relative about it. It’s important to not feel alone in this situation. Don’t tell too many people – just one or two individuals who you fully trust.

I hope this situation works out.  

Best wishes,

SM

[Zeerose]

Hi SM

thank you so much for your reply . It's been very helpful . It's been over a week now haven't heard from him I pray and hope he's ok . It upsets and frustrates me that he can't even respond and tell me he's ok .. But I guess he's in another state of mind at the moment . 

I don't thinker will ever reach out to me I know him he's very stubborn he's always said he wants to make me proud . He's probably ashamed of his behaviour , unworthiness , pride all plays apart . It's just me he's avoiding . He sees his mates and family .. I was reading about depression and it was saying that depressed people shun away from intimacy because of the overwhelming emotions .. Even though we've agreed to being friends it perhaps is too hard for him at the moment . I feel like he needs a little push .. It's like he's scared of me . He can't fake with me .  I really just want to support him but your right. I haven't messaged in couple days which is a lot for me. I sent him a card in the mail my goodness was it hard to pick that card lol had to be simple and "friendly" and not me because I am a very affectionate person .but for him I will step back but I need to know he's ok . I've been talking to my friend she's been there for me.. I'm trying to stay positive .. I'm hoping feels like  I'm holding on a string of hope and walking on egg shells . I feel time will distant him from me because as he will reorganise his life with people and things around him . I'm scared I feel like the longer we go without contact we will be killing our bond . Sadly in this case I am a fighter I fight for what I believe in and that's him I can't give up on him because i know he would do the same for me . We've made certain promises to each other and  I want to prove I'll stick by them ..as for him he's obviously in a different mind set .i do feel alone in this "relationship : friendship " whatever you want to call it . But I have hope 

[Zeerose]

I just thought I'd share the latest ... He messaged me saying to let him be he needs his own space and that he's getting pulled in all different directions he doesn't want to be . I told him that he can trust me as friend I'll understand and support and I'll give him whatever time he needs . And that i don't want to lose him . I feel at ease but im  Heartbroken, scared and confused . 

[Zeal]

Hi Zeerose,

Sorry about the delayed response - I have uni exams very soon.

It sounds as though the reply you sent was kind, understanding, and patient. You seem to be dealing fairly well with this. Being confused and a bit heartbroken is understandable. Giving him space is probably what is best for both you and him, so I think you are doing what is best in this situation, at least for the time being.

Best wishes,

SM

[Zeerose]

That's ok, I appreciate your reply and time . It's really hard I'm so lost . i feel like I need answers I'm so stubborn. Just feel like he has given me broken promises .  But then I try to understand it's not his fault. I'm sad and broken because he is dealing and chooses to cope with this alone. I really thought we held something special I mean I know we do but it's kind of scary it's like he's another person very very cold. Is this what depression does ? To people they love ? I know he sees he's other friends . I guess it's his way of protecting himself ? Or me perhaps? I'm scared that time will either make him forget me or miss me.. But I have come to the conclusion that if our love and bond was as real to him as it was for me he would come back and wouldn't let me go. I need to look after myself as I feel like he has dragged me into this deep hole , unintentionally. I keep trying and trying to help and keep getting thrown back .

Good luck with your exams 🙂