Depressed wife, need help!

[Rob1983]

Hi,

My wife suffers from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and depression.

Recently she has had some extreme lows where she has been saying "I feel dead inside" and "sometime I don't want to wake up in the morning".Over the years she has been to countless doctors and done many depressions tests, all of which she has scored very high on. However since our first child was born 4 years ago she has had very little to no treatment for these issues. She claims anti depressants make her feel sick wont take them and she has "no time" for counselors in her words

A few weeks ago I managed to convince her to take some medication and the difference was amazing, I could tell by her face that something was different and that night she showed me some affection (she hugged me as I did the washing up). That was only the second and unfortunately last night she took the medication.

Last weekend I sought help from her parents thinking that she might listen to them more than me. She didnt

I leave for work at 6 and am home by 5, When I get home I help with the housework and usually dont get to sit down until around 8pm. But it seams no matter what I do right she always focuses on things I didnt do (for example not straigtening the towel out on the shower screen or not hanging out the washing how she would do it). This is in her mind me not listening to her and claims that its part of the reason she feels so bad. I dont want to live the rest of my life having to do things exactly how she would just so she doesnt get angry

My wife has recently gone back to work 2 days a week and I think this is compounding the issue.Last night I made a stand and stood up for myself and in a nutshell told her I want her to take her medication or I dont want to be with her.

She has just informed me by txt msg she wants a divorce.Regardless of what happens between her and myself I know she needs help and I worry for my children. I do not know what to do. Thanks for listening.


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[white knight]

Hi Rob,  thankyou for posting.

There is nothing you are at fault with except "I dont want to live the rest of my life having to do things exactly how she would just so she doesnt get angry". You are like me, sensitive. Some guys in that  situation of leaving the towels crooked etc would just reply "well I'm a guy and guys leave them that way...if you want to straighten it go ahead...now I'm off to dig a few holes unless you'd like to dig the holes and I'll straighten the towel".  You get my drift. Men sometimes are not appreciated for their physical workload. We are not perfect beings with tasks that the female is better at. I'm not sexist but females prior to a few generations ago did the homemaker tasks since Adam was a boy. Thousands of years this was the way. Change doesn't come that fast. It isn't in our genes. So try to develop a 'water off a ducks back' approach. It wont be easy.

Having a mental illness also comes with it a sense of not having one. The person with insight into their own illness is a lucky person indeed. I'm one of them. But seems your wife isn't. She cant see why she has to endure medication. But tell her I took 12 medications before I found the right one. Many of us do go through this. And if you take into account that each med takes 6 weeks to get to know if they work, both for the illness and little side effect, and a couple of week weaning yourself off them, then it took around 4 years for me to stop experimenting. It was worth the effort.

Clearly she has been pushed too far. Again its not your fault. I would have done the same. Where to now? We use a saying here a lot "you can lead a horse to water but cant make him drink". It is so apt. You cannot make her take meds, change meds, seek help. She is an adult and that's the bottom line. What I often do suggest however, is that you go to counselling yourself. Reason being, you could develop methods in how to persuade her to take her meds, to develop ways to change your communication and ways to alter your working life to help more.

One day she might ask you where you are going and you'd tell her- off to counselling again. If she wants details of the sessions do not tell her. Reply "if you want to know badly enough then come along. The counsellor wont bite you".

If you commence a life without her. If she  approaches you and suggests a reunion then taking meds and getting ongoing treatment should be part of the deal. That's for you, it isn't blackmail.

Tony WK

[geoff]

dear Rob, hi and great for you to contact this site.

How this reminds me of my ex, such as cleaning the bathrooms, they were never done 'the best' so she had to clean them herself after I had done so, and the washing, well I could never hang anything out the proper way, so she always complained about most things I did to help her, but we still stay in contact etc.

It was suggested by doctor that she take medication, and this was after one of my attempts to end my life, but then refused.

It seems as though she may have OCD, but I am not qualified to suggest this, but it's a show of particular manifestations, but only you could add to this.

That nasty word 'divorce', well that's where I am now, and that's what your wife wants, but I wonder whether she actually wants to go through this, and what I also wonder about is why does she want to stop taking medication if it made her feel better, because being depressed is no fun what so ever. Geoff.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Rob, thanks for your post.

It sounds like it has been a physically and emotionally draining time for both yourself and your wife. It must be upsetting for you to receive that text message from her in regards to separation. As you mentioned in your post, it’s important she gets the right help and support for herself but also for the sake of your children. Supporting someone with anxiety or depression can be difficult and it is important to also take care of yourself. The beyondblue website also has a helpful section for family and friends.

It is great that you are reaching out for help and support and always know that there’s always somewhere to turn to. If you feel your wife is having thoughts of harming herself or if you feel she may act on those thoughts, it’s important to take immediate steps so she can keep safe. We recommend contacting the local Mental Health Line in your state.

We also encourage you to give us a call on the beyondblue Support Service on 1300 22 4636. We can help 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with counselling support, information and referrals. We also have a webchat service available from 3pm to 12 am daily, which you can access from the link at the top right of this page.

We are here to support you and hope you have found some helpful responses and support here online. It is important you look after yourself during this time and we encourage you to continue to reach out for support. Stay strong.