Depressed husband drug abuse & cheating

[JennyS79]

My world has been turned upsidedown. I love my husband of 10 years and I don’t know what to do. Looking for some advice or similar life experiences. Sorry if this is a bit jumbled, but I’m still in shock that the bombs of information keep dropping. In November at 4am on a Wed morning I called my OH who was interstate working. I hadn’t been able to sleep properly for months. I kept having dreams he was cheating on me. At 4am that morning all I said on the phone to him was “just be honest with me please, have you been unfaithful “...he said “yes I cheated on you twice”. After this phone call I was physically sick, I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t go to work. I pulled my shit together to get the kids ready for school dropped them off, my sister came over, I called a locksmith to change all the locks on the house and put his belongings at the front of the house. We separated because of the cheating but my boys still needed there dad, as much as I didn’t want to see him, they needed him so is still involved in their lives. In the weeks that followed he admittedto being depressed and suicidal the past year or so. I wanted to support him through seeking treatment for his depression. He has seen a psychologist by himself and we’ve also been together. He went to a wellness retreat for 7 days. Then 2 weeks ago he admitted to me he also subscribed to online cheating websites last year. And last week another new admission - to spending thousands $ on cocaine in 2018 which he would buy when interstate for work and use by himself (& with the ONS) in his hotel room. The psychologists didn’t know about the drug abuse.

Taking a step back: My husband has a family history of depression and addiction. Over the years I have seen him change into something that doesn’t represent the man I married. Years ago I tried to talk to him it and he would shut down. In life he was like a passenger in the backseat. He wasn’t present. It was a strain on our relationship. I didn’t feel emotionally connected to him, so the past few years intimacy was very limited in our relationship. To me it felt like a stranger was trying to kiss me or make love to me. It made me feel dirty and taken advantage of. He wouldn’t admit to depression or seek help, so it escalated to using drugs and having ONS as escapism. This made his depression worse. He can’t remember most of 2018. Is there any chance that I will be able to forgive & forget? What sort of life.Should I just start a new life with my kids.

[white knight]

Hi Jenny, welcome

Re: "What sort of life.Should I just start a new life with my kids"

Only you can answer that. You need to go through the process of what you can tolerate in such an ongoing relationship. Will he be unfaithful again? more than likely if my knowledge on some men is an example but that is also unfair because they aren't him.

The gamble you are asking is like you are clinging on hope that you wont lose your husband, let alone a full time dad for your children. Is hope enough? Is it worth taking rash chances?

To his credit he has been seeing a psychologist. My concern is he hasn't mentioned the drug business....why not? I will never understand why any information is withheld to such professionals that can only help if you are 100% honest.

We have had many people in your situation on this forum. I always say- if my wife had an affair I could not live with her and she feels the same. Trust, once abused, is gone forever.

Ultimately it is your decision. I hope you find peace and maintain your standards which are well justified.

TonyWK

[Purple_People_Eater]

It sounds to me like your husband has a lot from your past that he hasn't dealt with, and uses drugs and cheating as a coping mechanism. I have a similar issue, but with just drugs and self-sabotage by my hubby, not cheating thankfully.

You haven't said how good he is as a dad. Mine used to fly off the handle at the kids for just being kids. Eventually I had to give him an ultimatum, after lots of carer education and counselling! He turned over a new leaf, thankfully. If your husband has this problem, then he needs to deal with that too... all the better.

It really comes down to whether you have the unconditional love and patience to make a safe place for him to get better, and whether he can agree to not cheat. 

Best of luck!

PPE

[Purple_People_Eater]

Sorry for any confusion, that should have said from "his" past, not "your" past.

[Diki]

Omg hun reading this is like I'm reading a page straight out of my sister-in-law's book. I feel for you and the horrible position your in. My sister-in-law husband (my brother) is on the same path of self distruction. He had everything in his life, a beautiful wife, home kids family that absolutely love and care for him and in the past year mostly he had taken a different path and nobody matters but himself. He has Got his family in such a bad financial position that his wife and kids will no longer have roof over their heads. He is a gambler, and drug addict and none of us know what to do anymore. We have all offered to help but until they want to help themselves your fighting your own battle. Please keep me posted on how your doing so sorry to hear your going through this