Depressed 'Family Man' husband cheated before separating from me.

[Donski]

I'm new here. Long story short, my hubby (next door neighbours since 1980,together for 13 years and 11 yr old daughter) and I both worked for a company that offered redundancies to us. We had a dream to move far north Qld & start living a less stressful life. Applied at the same time, I got it and the company kept putting off his department. Decided to move anyway to get our daughter into school and he would come up as soon as he got the ok. He came up on days off,took leave,etc. But he was getting anxiety and depression and after so many lies by the company,he had a meltdown at work. They gave him time off to be with me,but he wasn't right. His parents came to stay and he flew home with them to attend doctor/psychologist appts and meeting with company. 8 days later he signed redundancy papers. 3 days later, he called me to say he couldn't be with me anymore rambling on with nonsense about it being my fault. Talking was useless. He'd just say it's too late. We packed up and moved back (with our parents who are still next door to each other). For 2 1/2 months,I tore myself up about what I did wrong. Then 4 weeks ago, I found out he slept with someone the night after he flew home with his parents and he's still seeing her(we always said if we stick together, we would work everything out together and we'd  be fine) My psychologist, friends, etc, have all said his depression, the move, wanting to be with me and our daughter, the hassles with the redundancy...finally got to him, and hooking up with this person was easy because she has nothing to do with the crap he's been thru. And by being with someone new, it somehow makes him feel like that crap never happened and now he's free. But I know he isn't 'free' in his head. I'm totally broken that he chose to leave me and our daughter,(but I can totally empathise with him after all he's been thru)and he isn't thinking about anyone but himself. I have had depression several times in my life (including now) and I need to know if this behaviour has happened to anyone else! 

[Jacko777]

Hi Donski,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forum, I can imagine it wasn't easy for you to write this, you have done well. You have been on a rough ride and I am not surprised you are upset.

I can understand the reasoning why your hubby made this new relationship but I would find it hard to forgive, there are other ways he could have diverted his attention. 

I hope you are working on ways to move on from this event and relationship. Try and conserve how much energy you give to something you cannot change, make new goals and plans to achieve them. 

Jack

[Donski]

Thanks Jack. I agree the diversion he took (ie:another woman) would be hard to forgive, and I understand depression makes people do things totally out of character (drinking, gambling, drugs, etc). I do know that his behaviour isn't completely his fault (I'm sure he knew what he was doing and thinking it was best for him) and I'm not saying depression is to blame completely, either. I do feel that SOME bad decisions made by any mentally unstable person, can be forgiven. Most of my friends, etc, have all said similar to what you said. Move on, let him go, do things for me, get on with life, etc. How do you let someone you still love and who you know needs help, go? I tell myself daily that until he realises he's done wrong and needs help, there isn't anything I can do. It's the hardest experience I've been through and it's only been just over 3 months since this all happened. I keep being told I just need time....and maybe that's what he needs too. 

[Jacko777]

Thanks for replying Donski.

I was wondering how long since this happened, 3 months is early days. 

I know it is hard, I guess you have to consider that he may not ever realise he has done wrong, you may not be able to help him and he has made this largely out of your control. So there might not be anything you can do for him but perhaps you can think about what you can do for you. Try and stay focused on the moment, spend your time doing things that will bring you benefit, try not to lose focus to something you can't change. Sorry I don't have more to offer.

Jack

[geoff]

dear Donski, sometimes it's so hard for someone to post a comment, thinking should I or shouldn't I, but I am pleased that you decided to.

I am sorry that this situation has occurred, where you and your daughter have been deceived by your husband.

You don't know whether or not he was seeing this other lady well before, and what your psychologist said 'somehow it makes him feel like that crap never happened and now he's free', OK what it does mean whether suffering from depression or not, it has now broken the trust that was gained when marrying each other.

I have been divorced for 13 years, could be more, but I still love her, but it's a different type of love. L Geoff. x

[mccart56]

hi