Decision Making - Social/Community Events

[KB13]

Hello, my husband suffers depression and anxiety, has done for a number of years, we have only recently begun medication and sought counselling, we haven't discussed this with our young children yet (primary school age). I'm wondering if anyone has any advice around supporting him with decision making when it comes to attending social and community events when he is not feeling up to it. These events mainly involve our kids sporting activities, my husband coaches one of their basketball teams and assists with cricket training, umpiring etc

This seems to be a recurring scenario: Should I go to basketball/cricket/whatever today/tonight? (If he doesn't, I just fill in for him) If he doesn't feel he can cope, he feels 1. he's letting our kids down and what should we tell them; 2. people will ask questions why he isn't there; 3. what if he goes and something happens/someone says something and he flies off the handle or it makes him feel worse; 4. should he just get out there and it might make him feel better. I fully support whatever he decides and try to help, the problem is the decision making process and the anxiety this creates in itself. Does anyone have any recommended tools around decision making - I have internet searched but haven't found anything suitable. Does anyone have any advice on whether he is better off not attending something if his mood is low or he should be trying to attend things and not feel low at home alone? Thank you so much.

[Heartcentred]

Hello there,

I too have been in a similar position as yourself in my connections and I can share what has helped reduce anxiety is knowing and receiving love in the way best for them; this has helped to give them more confidence in deciding to attend social events gradually and at their own pace.

Also, bringing awareness by verbally assuring the person combined with affection to the fact that it's ok to feel all the emotions, bad and good was a turning point.

Patience, slowly but surely, it will become easier...

Hope that helps 🙂

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi KB13,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your post. Not sure if KB are your initials but they are mine too.

I think the reason you can't find these tools is because making these decisions are both complicated and incredibly unique to both you and your husband. There might not be a right answer- or maybe the right answer changes day to day.

What I might be able to help you with though is this:

1. While your kids might not fully understand what's happening with your husband, there's no doubt they know that something isn't quite right. There's a great resource from COPMI on having the conversation about helping your kids understand - http://www.copmi.net.au/parents/helping-my-child-and-family/talking-about-mental-illness/talking-to-...

2. What sort of things can you come up with as a response? This might be 'he's having a difficult time at the moment', 'he couldn't come' - you get to decide how much you want people to know and having these sorts of pre-prepared responses can help it not catch you off guard.

3. Again, pre-preparing. What are the steps he might be able to take to feel more confident? Obviously there are things out of your control, but having steps such as walking away, checking in with himself, only being there for x amount of time or creating really strict boundaries for communicating with others. All of these things he can also discuss with his counsellor as well.

4. Yes, he may find that he does feel better after doing it- even if it becomes gradually easing into it.

I hope that this helps a little. Ultimately I think it comes down to whether the pros of going outweigh all the problems that might (or might not) arise. Hopefully the counsellor is able to help with this too.

rt