Connecting with someone who’s in hospital

[LFH123]

Hi everyone, does anyone have any tips for how to spend time with a loved one who’s severely depressed and in hospital? They have been in hospital for several months receiving treatment, but without improvement. When we visit they are very withdrawn and it’s clear they don’t really want to engage in conversation. They usually love reading, but aren’t feeling up to reading books at the moment. We’re trying to think of other ways to connect with them, or easy activities we can do in their room that don’t require too much cognitive load, so they don’t feel pressured to make small talk whenever we visit. Thanks in advance.

[Croix]

Dear new member~

I'm sorry your loved one is in hospital for such a long time. It is difficult to know how to fill in the time when visiting, particularly if they have no energy.

My own partner spent 9 month in hospital and for long periods was not wanting to push and make conversation - too much effort involved. I used to visit every day, most often without anyone else.

I found two things helped, the first was to realise there was no obligation to do anything, so we could be in companionable silence, or I could occupy myself reading a book.

As your loved one did enjoy reading have you considered reading to them? If you know of any favorite books or light subjects then read them out loud quietly so as not to disturb others .

It really is your presence that is the important thing, for your loved one to know you care, even if they are only half awake.  Not that you necessarily have to keep them amused.

When I did talk with my partner it was about everyday things, what the kid had been doing at school, what mischief the dog had been up to and homely things like that. What ideas for shopping and so on.

I guess it is a case of trying different things and seeing what your loved one is most comfortable with.

Than again wiht another, a friend, who was in for a long stay I'd play Dungeons and Dragons. It depends on the person, and their interests and condition.

One thing I would like to ask, if this peron is close to you it would  be a very worrying and stressful time. Do you have anyone to give you support to keep going? A family member of friend perhaps? Trying to face such difficult situations alone is hard.

We are always here for you

Croix

[Guest_9972]

It's really tough to see someone you care about going through that.

When my friend was in the hospital for depression, we found that just sitting quietly with them, maybe watching a favorite show or movie together, was comforting.

Sometimes we'd bring simple things like crossword puzzles or adult coloring books—activities that didn't need much energy but still gave us a way to spend time together without pressure.

Just being there and letting them know you care can mean a lot, even if they're not up for talking much.

[LFH123]

I’m sorry to hear you went through that with your partner, it must have been so hard. Thank you so much for sharing. I hadn’t really considered that we don’t have to ‘entertain’, but can just be with them. Reading aloud from a favourite book is a great idea too. Thankfully we have a close and supportive network which I know not everyone has, so we check in with each other a lot which has definitely helped. Thank you again for your suggestions and kind words, it really helps.

[LFH123]

You’re right, it’s definitely tough! Thank you for sharing your experience, I think watching a show is a great suggestion and I’ll find some puzzle books for when they’re feeling a bit more energised. I’m sorry you went through that with your friend, it’s so hard to see someone you care about hurting.

[therising]

Hi LFH123

You're incredibly kind and considerate, researching ways to make a positive difference for someone who's going through such an incredibly challenging and depressing time in their life. This is definitely a challenging time for you too, watching someone you care about suffer in the ways that they are, figuring out how to make a positive difference to them and dealing with your own emotions in regard to the situation.

I've found such challenging situations for a person, such as your loved one, tend to change how they identify themselves. With both my parents in their 80s, my dad's in an aged care facility and my mum has a variety of health issues that challenge her not just physically but mentally too, in the way of her mental health. While I try to make a difference to my parents' 'I am' factor (how they identify themselves), I've found sometimes it's the little things that can help make a difference.

If you can imagine how it would feel to be thinking

• I am someone confined to a bed
• I am someone who's not getting any better
• I'm someone who can't enjoy what I used to
• I'm someone who feels useless and without a purpose
• I am someone who suffers

Not sure whether your loved one is able to get out of bed and go for a spin around the hospital in a wheelchair, to the hospital cafe or garden courtyard or just around the corridor for a change of scenery. If so, this could become a matter of

• I am someone not confined to a bed
• I'm someone who experiences occasional differences, as opposed to constant sameness
• I'm someone who offers conversation or a simple smile to other people I pass in the corridors

Even if they can't get out of bed, suggestions offered by leefarrell and Croix could lead to

• I am a creator of beautiful things (the colouring book). You could colour in together if you buy 2 books
• I am someone who enjoys chilling with visitors, just relaxing, or listening to the expression of the person who reads to me
• I'm someone who enjoys a variety of entertainment. If there's an option of paying for extra channels on the tv they have in their room, could be worth the investment for the sake of their mental health
• Depending on how capable they are, when it comes to technology, could be a matter of 'I am a researcher of interesting things' or 'I am someone who loves to wonder and satisfy my sense of wonder through my laptop'. This is something that could also help create topics of conversation

With my parents having lost a lot of abilities, I've found it's become about finding what they're able to do so it's not all about loss. While a hospital, understandably, is largely about physical health and wellbeing, there have also got to be mental and soulful components when it comes to not experiencing great dis-ease. For my dad, he'd tell you 'I am a lover of Cherry Ripe chocolate bars'. I bring him joy in the form of Cherry Ripes. For my mum it's 'I'm a lover of French vanilla slices or chocolate eclairs when I'm in hospital'. Again, I bring joy to one of my parents. Joy can offer momentary relief from sufferance and can come in many different forms.

[LFH123]

Thank you so much therising for such a thoughtful response. It’s really helpful to think about the situation in that way and try to find little ways to change their perspective a little bit. Thank you!