Confused by his psychologist's comments

[Losing_hope]

Hi everyone,

My partner has a long history of anxiety and depression, but has never been diagnosed and his family believe "he's fine". We are trying to work on our relationship, we have a child together, but no progress is ever made because he struggles to speak in emotional situations and can't express what he thinks and feels. The panic and anxiety when we speak are very visible. He has a counsellor and a psychologist who he sees sporadically, and we have a couples psychologist. Our couples counseling has been helpful, but my partner says that his psychologist and counsellor have told him that I'm "verbally abusive", a "control freak", that "I don't love him" and he should walk away from our relationship. I don't believe a qualified psychologist who specialises in anxiety and depression and who's never met me would make these comments, but my partner swears black and blue he's telling the truth. His family isn't supportive of our relationship and I believe the comments have come from them- they have made comments in the past that "if I really loved him, I'd do...this....or that". He feels his family are very supportive and that I'm the problem. I really try to not bring his family into our discussions; so my question is, would a psychologist really make comments and give a patient direction like this??

I'm really trying to do this for our family, but I just don't know what to do anymore.

Thank you

[geoff]

dear Losing_hope, hello and thanks for coming to the site.

What you have said is that any psychologist has to be careful on what they say, I know that it's a private conversation between you and him/her, but to make a judgement without even talking to you doesn't sound to be fair, as they are only getting one side of what's happening, and shouldn't prejudge an opinion without getting both sides of the story.

They are permitted however to discuss what the person tells them and of course ask questions, but their diagnosis and plans for treatment can only be based on what he/she has been told.

Marriage counselling appears as though it's going on steady, but I wonder whether those remarks he has said, and I don't want to repeat them, those which you have said are actually what his counsellor/psychologist or whether he has made them up by himself or by what his family believe and told him to tell you.

His family can deny that there is anything wrong with him, and then make their own statements which they could have no idea of what they are saying and if you do bring his family into any discussion then this will put his back up to you.

Love in a marriage or relationship is between two people and to be influenced by what the family has to say unless of course it's good news can be detrimental to this union, especially if they have a strong influence, so I can only hope that you can resolve this. L Geoff. x

[Losing_hope]

Thanks, Geoff. I'm unsure whether sitting down with his family would help or just cause more tension (if it's discussed that their behaviour isn't supportive of our family). Any thoughts?

[Narniakid]

Hi Losing_hope!

First of all I am sorry to hear you're having a tough time - that is quite a tricky situation you've got on your hands! 

It is good that your couples counselling seems to be going well - perhaps you can bring up those concerns about the comments, and whether or not they're actually from your partner's psychologist or his family, in your next session. 

Is your partner extremely close to his family? Do they have a history of not particularly accepting you as his wife? Take those things into consideration when thinking about how much influence your partner's family has on him. Perhaps they too are in denial of him having his conditions, because a lot of people still see mental illnesses as "weaknesses", when in fact, living with a mental illness is one of the strongest things a person can do.

Psychologists only make comments based on their patients' comments, and so they only hear one side of every story. However it sounds like either your partner has portrayed you incorrectly to his psychologist, or his psychologist has misunderstood the situation. If it does happen to be comments made by his psychologist rather than his family, I would lightly suggest (perhaps during a couples counselling session) that he consider seeing an alternative therapist - I went through about 5 before I found one that I found helpful. 

Always remember that the hotline is willing to listen if you still find you're having trouble. 

I wish you the sincerest of luck.

Crystal