Caring for someone depressed and the struggle to let go

[Anthe31]

I have a depressed husband and the constant struggle is destroying me and our marriage. I have exhausted all my options of helping him by being understanding, talking about it, making appointments for him to see the doctor, seeking counseling... The list goes on. But he won't follow through. My latest attempt of going to the doc with him resulted in being prescribed antidepressants and going on the mental health plan but he won't take the antidepressants or make an appointment. I'm at my final attempt. When he is depressed, he leaves his job, leaves me with everything to financially manage and I can't do it anymore. My family have witnessed his erratic behavior and have started to try talking to me because they believe he is emotionally abusing me as he gets verbal, talks down on me and likes to say I am the problem. He also doesnt have any real friends because I have heard from others that his group of friends that he used to have thought he wasn't all there, wondered why I was with him and in the end  they distanced themselves from him  Ialways made excuses for his cruel and demanding behavior towards me saying it was his depression, and not him but as time has continued in our relationship I have learned that his family is also fed up. I know if I leave him he has no where to go and no one to turn to so I've stayed in this relationship for that reason. But I don't know what else to do. I don't believe in divorce, I also think I might be a horrible person for leaving someone who is confused and in need but I'm not happy anymore and I resent him for ruining me and my life. Any help on being a carer and getting thru this or help fr courage to end the marriage and move on. 

[geoff]

dear Anthe, welcome to the forum and thank you for your comment that is proving to a rather situation for yourself.

When we are put into a position where our partner or spouse has depression, but he/she is in denial and refuses to get any help after as much as we try to help them, then there's not much we can do, because all the avenues have been exhausted, so what do we do, well either wait until they realise that they need help, or unfortunately we have no chose but to leave them.

This may sound to be cruel, but they won't listen to what you have to say plus they will eventually turn the situation against you, which will then pull you down with the possibility of you becoming depressed yourself.

This could still happen when you leave, because you feel guilty and worry about how they are going, but he has refused to take his medication as well as make an appointment, so you have given him all the help that is needed to try and get him back on track.

You have to look at 6 months down the track, and firstly how long has he been this way and will he ever seek help that he desperately needs, because if he doesn't get help then you yourself will end up being a wreck.

I seem to have repeated myself but firstly you have to make a decision, the rest of where you are going to stay could be mentioned by other people, but this will be followed up in your next reply. L Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Dear Anthe

There are a number of similar posts on the forum with the same subject. Perhaps you could read these and find some help and suggestions. Type caring for depressed person in the search box and see which posts come.

I have to agree with Geoff. You have provided an enormous amount of help and support to your husband. Ultimately it is his decision to get well or not. It's not quite the same as putting on a band aid and kissing it better.

There will always be those who think you have have deserted your husband in his hour of need just as there will always be those who wonder why you stay. After a while your needs become more important. You are not letting him down. He is letting himself down and you cannot change this. This is the reality of the situation.

Now it's not my business to encourage or discourage anyone from a marriage break up. This is your decision just as your husband is making his decision. There will come a time when you will be unable to cope with any of this,and your husband will be left without support.

He sounds as though he has become abusive and that is not good enough. I put up with years of abuse because my husband had a dreadful childhood. In the end I decided that I was not responsible for his childhood or his behaviour and I left.

Similarly you are not responsible for his depression. It happened and it's a horrible situation for both of you. It will not go away with your husband's wishful thinking, being unkind and refusing help. There probably are reasons for his stubbornness and perhaps one of these reasons is the fear of being thought strange. Real men don't have depression.

Read the literature available on this site and leave it lying around for him to read. See how many high profile men have admitted to depression and tell your husband about the, On the BB home page under the picture of Min Matters there is a strip of different topics. Press the arrow on the right to get to the next set of topics and click on Man Therapy. Perhaps your husband can read this.

Love to hear from you again.

Mary

[Anthe31]

Thank you Geoff.. you have made many great points. I am feeling very much at a loss, and have attempted "tough love" to bring him around. I believe the biggest reason why I feel at my whitts end is because we have a adult/child relationship and he always depends and demands and all while insisting that I treat him badly.. but all I ever do is constantly provide for him at my own detriment. He does acknowledge that he has depression. I will make a last ditch effort, read some threads suggested all while promising myself that I can walk away if this last bit of help doesn't work.

Thank you Geoff, for your response, your words and support. While it's comforting that I have others who understand and I can reach out to its also unsettling how many go through this.

 Forever greatful, anthe

[Anthe31]

Thank you Mary, like Geoff I find what you have written to be valuable. My aim over the next few days is to make time for reading other threads and information on this site to understand if perhaps there is a better way to approach discussing this wth him. Like I mentioned in my response to geoff, I am willing to take one last step and effort here and then make the ultimate decision of moving on.  I do love my husband very much and this situation is a shame. I know he is a good person and can go far, but I also wish he saw that for himself. I think I've honestly taken him as far as I possibly can, the rest is up to him.

Thank you for your support and guidance Mary, I will revsist and intend on keeping the communication open.

Anthe

[White_Rose]

Hello Anthe

Great to hear from you. Checking in to see how you are going.  I hope you can write in again when you are ready.

Mary

[Chris_B]

Hi Anthe31, good to see you've been finding the forums helpful at such a difficult time. Below are some other threads you might find insightful, people being resistant to seeking help when depressed is a common theme:

Need advice to cope with depressed partner

Worried sick about my partner

Living with the blame for a partners illness

Supporting my partner through darker periods of anxiety and depression

Partner with anxiety and depression

How do I support a depressed partner who has asked I let them go?

How do you support a partner with severe anxiety, depression and a chronic illness?

[Anthe31]

Thank you Chris, I appreciate all the links provided as I embark on understanding this more and seek support.

 Step one is that we have managed to open the lines of communication and my husband is starting to awaken to my perspective which has been brilliant. 

 I plan on spending time daily reading all the info I have been directed to. I also plan on keeping up the communication. Also to spend time on rejuvenating and taking time out for myself to recover.

Thank you

Anthe

[Chris_B]

Hi Anthe, that's good to hear, looking after yourself during this time is very important as well.