Can’t get past what he did [trigger warning]

[Megem]

Hello, am new here. Tuesday morning I woke up to find my husband of 44 years had walked out after I had gone to sleep. He just walked out with no ID, phone or anything. Left a note which was not very nice for me to read. He had walked for some 6 hours to reach where he was working part time to leave an apology note. He then continued walking into the city where he was found 14 hours after leaving home. Yes I am grateful he didn’t do what he intended but I just can’t get past what he did. I was beyond myself with worry but he can’t understand why I am so stressed out about it all. Anyone else gone through a similar thing?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm sorry this has happened.

Can I be frank and truthful?. Yes, I understand you were very worried and stressed out, but this as a priority is about him because his actions suggest he was/is in a bad place mentally, in fact his life is in danger. The worst thing you can do is bring up how he worried you. Reach out to him, be calm and supportive.

Seek counsel from your GP

GOOGLE this

Beyondblue topic talking to men- some tips

TonyWK

[Megem]

Thank you. Yes I know it is about him and how he needs the help. It’s hard when coping alone. Tomorrow is going to be a new day for both of us.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Megem, 

Welcome to our friendly online community. We're so sorry to hear what you and your husband have experienced. It makes a lot of sense that you are feeling worried as you do not want to lose him. It also sounds like it has come as a shock to you, which in itself, would be hard to deal with. We're really glad that he didn't end up doing what he intended. Seeing as you do feel so stressed about this, we encourage you to speak to a professional about it. They will help you come to terms with what has occurred and also potentially give you some tips on how to best support your husband during this difficult time. White_knight has some good suggestions such as being calm and supportive towards him.
 
We’re really glad you came to our community to discuss this. It is likely that other users have gone through (or are going through) a similar situation, so we’re sure this topic will be useful for many. Hopefully, such users will pop by to offer you words of wisdom and kindness.

Please continue to update us and share your feelings as you see fit as we are always here to listen and support you non-judgementally.

[Megem]

Thank you for your reply. Yes it was a great shock. My husband has been trying to contact someone at Beyond Blue but they are very busy tonight. He will hopefully keep trying if not tonight then tomorrow.

[Ggrand]

Hello Megem...

I’m deeply sorry this happened to you and your husband..

Your husband must and still be hurting so much to try to do what he was thinking of doing...My heart goes out to you both..

I received a phone call from my daughter in law a number of years back saying my son was missing, before he went missing he let intentions be known to her..then she rang me to let me also know...The total feeling I had of helplessness was unbearable until the found him....sitting near a river crying his eyes out....The relief I felt was so incredibly good but at the same time so much sadness to think that he was hurting so bad....

I never asked questions to him about it..I did tell him that I loved him so very deeply and that no matter how much he hurts to please know that I’m there for him....I asked my dil if she could just be their for him as well....when and if he wants to talk he will...Hold him if he cries, hug him when he looks sad....just let him know that you care and love him...and he means so much to you....(I live 7+ hours away from him....and at the time because of my depression my licence was restricted to my local area...

I know when I reached the stage your husband has...all I wanted was someone to tell me I am important, loved,wanted, someone to hug me and tell me that everything will be alright..,,and be here for me...

Its going to be a long and difficult road for him to travel....Hold his hand and travel along side him...Please when he is up to it...Could you possibly take him to your Dr...and reach out for help for him....but please don’t push him to go....for now maybe just be their for him and gently let him know that he doesn’t have to do this on his own...

Talk her anytime Lovely Megem...We are here for you..

Sending my kindest and most caring thoughts to you and your lovely husband..

Grandy...

[Megem]

Grandy, thank you so much for your message. It has been a long week so am glad I have reached out to this forum. My youngest son was a tower of strength on the day and so have our other son and daughter who unfortunately live interstate. We have all told him how much he is loved and hopefully he knows we are here for him no matter what. I have managed to get him to our very supportive GP and will be seeking other help when he is ready for it. Wasn’t a good day for him yesterday, very angry and was up late into the night. Hoping he wakes up in a better frame of mind. Thank you for letting me know what it was you needed when you were suffering so badly and for opening your heart to me. It means a lot. I want to do the right thing by him but I was hurting as well and didn’t know how to handle it. Even though I haven’t had any sleep for a couple of days today I am seeing things differently. Thank you

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Megem...

Thats good news that you have been to see his GP...I hope that he starts a Mental Health Care Plan for him or helps him with his mental health..

I think your husband emotions are going to be running rampant for a while.. anger, sadness, guilt etc...but I hope that your GP can help him sort them out...I am sorry he was hurting so badly...and I’m sorry sweetheart that you had to go through so much fear and worry concerning what he intended to do...

Your a very beautiful loving person and have very loving children who are there for you...I am happy for you that you have...

Its okay about not knowing how to handle it...It would have been a huge shock....you done good...Please don’t be hard on yourself..you did the right thing and I am very proud of you for doing so...,and being their for him...

Talk here anytime you feel up to it...we are all here for you with our care, understand and compassion...

Wishing you and your family all the best wishes I can..Please keep us updated on how you’re managing dear Megem..,it’s also very important to look after your own mental and physical health...here for you..

Grandy..

[white knight]

Hi again,

You are indeed a wonderful soul.

Now that you've replied several times and we are getting to know you, I have an admission to make.

After my initial reply I felt guilty that I'd implied that you shouldn't be thinking about yourself. This came across a bit course.

Self survival, self care is important because if we don't, we can't help others.

I had a selfish mother. It was all about her. Following my one and only suicide attempt I was confronted by her stating "how dare you, don't you know what I've been through? I've been sick with worry"

Hence why I replied that way.

80% of all suicides are men. Around 3000+ a year. When alarm bells go off with anyone we have to ignore our own needs and focus on them, in the short term.

I'm glad you understand and I'm happy you both are moving forward.

TonyWK

[quirkywords]

Megem

i have just read your post and I am sad but glad your husband is getting help.
Sophie Grandy and Tony have given you support nad helpful suggestions.

Keep posting here if it helps. You are not alone and there is support here.