Breaking up with my BPD boyfriend...

[FCM80]

After nearly a year of extreme ups and downs with my boyfriend I have been busy reading about his behaviours and am convinced he has BPD. The descriptions describe his behaviours and our relationship to a tea!  I have tried so many times to discuss the issues, reason with him, help him understand that the outbursts and his behaviour is not socially acceptable or normal or fair, but he doesn't get it. I've read this is typical of a BPD. It's time for me to exit the relationship. I'm worn out, my relationships with family and friends are under pressure, there are drug dependency issues, spending beyond his means, borrowing money from people left right and centre, lies, changing of stories, threats, tantrums, manipulation, damaging property, and it's "all my fault". Everything he does is for us, I don't try hard enough, I need to trust him and love him unconditionally, I need to give up my job so I can dedicate more time to focus on our relationship... The list goes on. I have planned out a 3 step process: preparing for the break up (e.g. Becoming boring, saying I'm tired, depressed and confused), doing the break up, and managing post break up (e.g. Not responding to the 87 emails, texts etc. which happened last time I tried to break it off)...  If you have broken up with someone with BPD and have any tips, hints or advice, please share. Last time I broke up with him the pressure and persistence from him was incredible... The guilt was severe.  The attraction to go back to him was intense. Can't afford for this to happen again... Any ideas?

[white knight]

Hi FCM, welcome

You need to be tough. I'll make this clear for readers- I am all in support of BPD sufferers that seek help but those that don't are often a train wreck.

And there is little one can do if they don't seek help.

Move on, find happiness and ...it isn't your fault.

Tony WK

[Kathryne]

Hi FCM,

Its hard to leave a toxic relationship, however its harder if you stay. Do you want to see yourself living this way 5,10 20 years from now. What if you have children?

Sometimes the best way is a clean break and change your phone number, you cant be responsible for his behaviour suggest he seeks help, if you can move house. DONT respond to texts and emails , make it clear your not coming back

Kathryne

[White_Rose]

Dear FCM

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Lots of information in your post for others to read. Can I clarify one point please? Are you talking about Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. I think it is the latter.

I believe you are making a wise choice as the other posters have commented. There is a time to help and support your partner and a time to look after yourself and leave. I wish there was a more practical way to support you, because, as you say, you will be on your own to a large extent. Please involve your family and friends as much as possible, especially to shield you from your partner.

Changing your phone number and emails address are vital. If he does get your addresses then block the calls and emails so that you do not need to read them. This will be distressing and may weaken your resolve.

Best of good fortune to you.

Mary

[Kennaugh8]

Hi FCM80,

As other posts have mentioned, whilst you may feel like you are abandoning your partner and have a sense of guilt, there comes a time where staying in the relationship can be detrimental your own well-being. It sounds like you have given this decision a lot of consideration which is important because it is easy to make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings, particularly when you are a victim and are being hurt. Have you considered couple's counseling? It can often help having a "third party" to mediate and talk out some of the issues in a safer environment. Another approach could involve setting a deadline whereby if he hasn't sought help or refuses treatment by a given date, you can walk away knowing you gave him the resources and options.
If you are set on leaving him, is it an option to talk to any of his friends or family and see if they can keep an eye out for him? This may help ease some of the feelings of guilt that you may experience whilst still trying to help him. 

At the end of the day, if you feel like you have done everything you can to help your partner and you are still continuing to suffer, it may be time to walk away. In order to help others, you need to help yourself first.

I hope this and the above advice helps.

Chris