Bpd daughter 19. Mum had enough

[Jo69]

My 19yo daughter has been arrested twice in 4 days. Just fin year 12. Disrespectful threatening hides wifi. I want to get off the roller coaster I can’t cope anymore. Told her she needs to move out and get a job. Feel I am enabling her. She needs to grow up get a job and take some responsibility for herself and her actions. She refuses help medication it’s all my fault argh who else lives with this horrible life

[BballJ]

Hi Jo69,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. I am sorry to read what you are going through currently with your daughter.

Why do you feel you are enabling her? It sounds like you have made a decision that she has to move out and get a job because you are struggling with it all. Being arrested is not doing herself or you any favours. How did she respond when you said that you want her to move out?

My best for you,

Jay

[white knight]

Hi and welcome. Jay has asked some good questions

At 19yo she would have finished school in December now over 2 months ago. Regardless of her mental health she should be actively looking for work. If through medical reasons she cant then some severely impaired individuals attend sheltered workshops and still work. I don't think she is that impaired with BPD (unless her GP says so) but it is a yardstick and I think the trap is for her to think the easy road is just staying home. That means an attitude that mum will provide for her continuously.

Hard love is good love in these circumstances. You've been a good mum obviously. Time for her to stand on her own feet and earn a living. This might mean some strict rules of looking for work. But your information is limited so I hope I'm not speaking out of hand.

All the best.

Tony WK

[Jo69]

Thank you for concern. I feel I am enabling her to continue with her bad behaviour as she is continuously disrespectful. Letting her stay at home with her current behaviours is not helping her at all.

[Jo69]

Thank you for your support and advice. Since 13yo been to 5 schools. Just fin yr 12 now at a learning centre. Arrested being smart to police pulled her in to do with assault investigation wed 3am. Then sun 2am police knocking on door as she is claiming to be in the boot of a car being kidnapped 5 units out looking for her pinging phones. They arrested her again. She was fine? They confiscated ph. So upon arrival home abuses me trying to get my laptop ph. Very intimidating went to stay at freinds. Her Last job lasted 2 weeks. Her life could be so much better if she got help but she refuses. How do I feel empowered to kick her out knowing she can’t keep a job , or friends so no where to stay. Dad in Nz won’t have her. Can’t get dole ? I Need empowering

[white knight]

Hi again Jo

Thanks for the extra info. It help paint the picture.

You are in a "catch 22"

For what its worth here are my thoughts...forgive me if I'm not helpful.

At her age she is an adult. Your attempts at containment hasnt worked. Logic tells me that if you remove her from your home that will solve one thing, you wont know about any of her adventures. I'd take the view, I'd rather know about them but accept I have zero control.

Im glad you've come here. You likely realise there is no magic answer to your problem. Endorsing the idea of removing her from the family home isnt helpful to her. As a former prison officer Ive seen people turn around their lives over night. If and when that happens you wont be around to embrace the new daughter.

Hence why I would keep her home. Let her go on her rampages and the police will do their job. You ate not responsible for her life. but I'd seek out support as much as I could from counselling services and distance myself from her action while remaining there for when she needs a mum.

Hope that makes sense.

Tony WK

[Jo69]

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your words. The police have offered counselling for me. I have had 6 appointments last year to help me survive this roller coaster. This is who finally gave me an answer and a diagnosis as best she could with out seeing her. It helped me figure it wasn’t my parenting and not just bad teenage behaviour. There is definitely issues but she refuses any help at all. So I guess as you say accept it for what it is and let go ?

[white knight]

Hi Jo

Yes.

Accept that at 19yo she is responsible for her actions

Accept that you are not in this world for her expectations. You are in this world to help, support and nurture if and when she responds appropriately.

During the next few years just be there for her. Be her rock but not be used at her will.

Be firm but fair, nurturing when in emotional distress but tight pursed when wanting money

Be grateful for her hidden self that is still there but take no notice of her masks of insults and activity you dont approve of.

My daughter is out of my life. But I'll always talk if she wants to. Its a parents unwritten duty. It doesnt mean she wins or gets her way.

Well done. I think you are on the right track.

Be staunched in confidence you are doing the right thing. Dont waver. This is her doing and she needs to go through this silly life stage to realise that the alternative is better for her. That could include jail stints and all sorts of lessons.

But she will return. Have faith. That little girl you love is still there. When she re-emerges she'll want a friend in you.

Tony WK

[BballJ]

Hi Jo69,

What a tough situation to be in, I am so sorry you find yourself in this. Your daughter is technically an adult so she has to start owning up to her mistakes and be held accountable. I do not think any would say just abandon her but it is putting this much stress on you. How much more can you possibly take of the disrespect. I don't think it is your parenting either.

My best,

Jay

[quirkywords]

Jo,

Tony has given you support and advice.

I was just wondering when you say bpd do you mean borderline personality disorder?

When I was 19 I had bipolar and was in detail and refused medication caused my mother a lot of heartache. I went away to study but then when I got down I would ring her up and cry to her, come home and when I thought I was better again I would leave home and create chaos. I wanted to be independent but I had no life skills so my parents kept rescuing me.

Now as a parent of adults I realise how much pain I caused my parents.

I can see you feel torn . It so hard to watch a loved one living a chaotic life and not being able to help. You do need to look after yourself and get all the support you can.

I agree with Tony she will return and want your help. I know it is confusing for you but I confusing for her. Everything has changed . Eventually when I had my own children I got help and became stable and friends with my mum again , so it is possible .

Quirky