Boyfriend with depression

[Lucy1234]

Hi, so I've been in a relationship with my partner for a few months now. Things were really good the first few months, he used to love cuddles, talking, would even just come to see me to give me a hug, we used to talk every night. 

I noticed once in a while something wasn't right, it was like his emotions were gone, but then he was fine it would just be a day. 

But then he seemed to be always tired, always getting sick, he still has something either a flu or a strained ankle, infected nail, it's just never ending. He got quite sick for two weeks, he didn't want me to come visit, then it would be like I'll see u tonight but then he was sick or he promised to spend time with one of his parents. I hadn't seen him for a week. Then I did, but it was more like we were friends and I had initiate to have a hug. This continued he was sick and it's just the same stuff again. 

So we went from seeing each other three times a week to once every two weeks. I knew something wasn't right so I told him I really needed to talk, he asked why and I just said I have to tell u in person. He saw me, he said he got worried something bad had happened. I told him how I've noticed a change in his behaviour. He told me he feels numb and feels like he needs to be alone to find inner peace and be comfortable with himself but it's nothing to do with me. I told him that I'm there for him and he needs to reach out and talk to people. He said a few years ago he saw a psychiatrist that told him to be comfortable by himself and he was only on antidepressants for a bit because it was additive. He said that he can't talk to strangers but I've got the most out of him that night. 

It's been a week now where he only texts me, he won't talk to me on the phone, our anniversary was missed because he said he made a promise to spend time with his mum, his excuse every night is that he falls asleep because he's on string painkillers. 

He said he doesn't know how he feels or what he wants. He can't answer any questions about our relationship. 

I don't know what to do, I love him but I don't know if this will ever improve.

i worry about our relationship and if it will ever go back to the way it was. He doesn't want to see me or know when he wants to, 

i feel like he's pushing me further away.

he even said that his mum has been to the psychiatrist and was told to be positive and be comfortable by yourself. So now he feels like he needs to be alone. But where does that leave me? 

Did he ever love me? 

[Neil_1]

Hi Lucy  

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post to us – it sounds like a really difficult situation for you – from what I’m gathering are you at a point of whether to end things now or whether to try and hang in there ‘be there for him’ because of his mental illness?  

If I may, I would like to point out or offer some suggestions/advice with what you’ve posted – from an outsider’s point of view.  

A relationship for only a few months and for the first couple of months things were really good, but then things began to change.  I believe that’s super early for things to change that quickly and to change for the poorer. 

Now with all that you’ve written in your post everything seems like he is just not wishing to have a relationship at this point in time.  I get no positive signs that he wants to be there.  

Did he ever love you?   Lucy, I think only he can answer that.    That’s a big question and really depends so much on the individual – some people can fall in and out of love easily (quickly) and for others, that elusive “L” word can be really hard to extract from someone.  It all depends on the person.  

You also mentioned that you don’t know if things will ever be like they were – but for me, just reading between the lines, how things were didn’t overly last for a long time before the change kicked in.  

 I’m sorry if this reply isn’t laced with a lot of positiveness back to you with regard to the possibility of good things for the relationship – but I’m just calling it for how I’ve deciphered your post and out of that, I certainly don’t want to see you suffer or be troubled with this relationship by trying to possibly hang on to something that might not exist anymore.  

 I would really like to hear back from you though.  

Kind regards  

Neil

[Lucy1234]

Hi 

I feel like I have to be there for him. It has been over a year now that I have been with him.

He said he has felt ups and downs since his parents separation when he was 13, he is now 24. He said some things have triggered how he feels and it wasn't long ago he got sick then had a past person from work come to his door and abuse him. 

It's only really been since his mum has said that he needs to be by himself to find inner peace that he hasn't asked to see me or even get out of the house other than going to work. Before he had a talk with his mum he was willing to see me, but after that night he has been texting me everyday but says every night that he needs to feel comfortable in his own thoughts and that's away from everyone. 

He said he can't explain but he still feels something with soccer and me. Doesn't that mean he still feels something for me? 

[Neil_1]

Hi Lucy

Thanx for getting back to me with your response.  It is good to hear back from you.

Despite what your boyfriend is going through, may I say that he is very lucky to have met someone like you – someone obviously so caring and supportive of him and wanting to try to help him no matter what.  Unfortunately at this current time, he probably won’t realise this as he’s battling his own thoughts and processes – but in time, I hope that he realises this.

I’m guessing that he’s not giving you much in the way of feedback with regard to when he might wish to see you again?  Although if he’s texting you on a regular basis, that is something, isn’t it??

Out of your last two sentences in your most recent post, I think I would have been far happier had he put you first, in front of soccer, to say that he still feels something.  🙂   Just a little grab at humour there, but also there is a hint of seriousness in it as well – and yes, if he’s said that and he’s texting you each night, then that must say that he’s feeling something for you. 

It’d be interesting though, just to challenge that a little – by you not texting him for a couple of days and see whether he makes contact with you.  Just a little experiment you might like to try.

But again Lucy, this is also your life that’s involved here – and as I’ve mentioned to you before, you seem to be a really lovely, genuine, caring and loving person who has so much to give – and it’s just really hard to know for how long you may wish to ‘stand by’ in this current situation – sort of jogging up and down on the spot. 

But this isn’t advice that anyone on an interweb site can give to you – it’s really up to you in this regard. I do hope you can stick with us here for a little while.

Kind regards

Neil

[white knight]

Hi Lucy, 

I'm a little pessimistic about this.  If he is ill and 'in love' with you then at times he would want to be with you through his bad times.  I am also questioning the trust aspect here.  I've worked with many men in my life and what you have described could easily be judged as a guy that isnt committed at all.  Just my opinion.

I hope you find out one way or another.  Living with a feeling of indecision, lack of facts and heaps of questions isnt caring on his part.  Best to find out soon so you can move on if he doesnt provide you with evidence of love and care.  If his answers arent fulfilling your questions then that should be enough to call it a day.

For some like me the grief of losing love can only be replaced with the love from the next relationship.  Then you might have more clarity when you are adored by someone that cant wait to embrace you. 

Hanging on sometimes can be torture in itself.  Good luck.  cyber hug.

[Lucy1234]

So I decided I won't text him to see if he texts me. Well he does. He asked 'how are you?' So I have responded back with how I'm going and asked what about him. He didn't respond to that question. But as soon as I asked him what he did at work he could. He has been the one asking me questions and said its hard to concentrate on anything. 

I was surprised because the other night I asked about his feelings for me, our relationship etc and about soccer and parents. He just said he feels numb and has no emotion or doesn't know how to feel atm because he feels no emotions at all. The reason why I was surprised is because I thought I made him think to much and questioned him too much. But he is the one texting me. 

How am I suppose to text him, do I ask questions to trigger emotions? 

[geoff]

dear Lucy, I have read the replies from Neil and White Knight both of which offer two sides to your story, but both offering good advice and suggestions, which has made it very difficult for me to decide, so I have to admit 'the jury is out'.

There are a couple of issues which are niggling me though, as he is suffering from some form of depression, then he has to decide whether or not who he wants to receive any help from in those who love him, and by texting only it makes me wonder, but he maybe a person who is not content or is not familiar with telling people how he feels.

The fact that he is still in contact with you does mean that he has some love for you, so basically I am going around in circles here.

I would ask him that you want to see him or you will go over and see him, no matter what he says back to you, and then you can decide what to do, because there's no point in tippy-toeing in a relationship, not sure as what to do.

If he wants someone to help him then you are there for him. L Geoff. x