Boyfriend broke up with me but seems like it's fuelled by his depression.

[madds2424]

My boyfriend and I had been dating for around 18 months, he tried to break up with me, we discussed it and decided to stay together. Two weeks later he messaged me and very suddenly had changed his tone and was being very down, saying he has no idea why I want to be with him. This continued and I initiated a conversation about us separating which he didn't question. Whenever I attempted to talk to him about what's going on he just shuts me out, he doesn't seem to know him self and is confused. He keeps saying I can do better, I deserve the best, this just isn't working, I'll be okay, this just isn't right, he's never going to date anyone else again and things like that. It's been about a week since then and I just have a massive gut feeling this is the wrong decision. We haven't been in contact since breaking up and I'm giving him space to clear his head and try and make sense of his thoughts.

Some backstory though, he has suffered from depression for years. This isn't new for him. We were really close friend before dating and he told me I've helped him so much. He's told me I understand him better then anyone and that I'm one of the only supports he has and the only person he feels he can really talk to about everything. I have been encouraging him to seek professional help but he is completely against it. He currently has no job and isn't doing much with his time due to mental health. I can see how its deteriorated in his personal hygiene, sleeping habits, just everything about him is different. I know it isn't him and I know he needs help but I'm not sure where to go at this point. He's been acting completely out of character and seems very up and down.

I'm obviously confused and hurt as he has broken up with me but to me it feels like his reasoning behind it fuelled by his depression and he's trying to isolate himself and 'do me a favour'. I'm incredibly confused about what I should do because we did have something very special, I want to continue supporting him and I think he will need it in the future (not going to talk to him soon). I guess I'm confused about whether I'm reading into things that aren't there and trying to hide what's actually happening or if my gut feeling is true and I should be attempting to contact/help him in the future. I guess I just want another's opinion or insight or experience as I really don't want to give up on him even though he's given up on everything.

[PamelaR]

Hi Madds and welcome to our forums

Things do sound difficult with you and your boyfriend. It's good you've found your way here. It is lovely to see you are so caring and supportive. It's unfortunate that he's unable to see this and let you help him.

I'm not a health professional, just someone who has PTSD, anxiety and depression. I also live with someone with the same condition. It has made for an interesting relationship. To be honest, it's the best thing that happened to me.

It's unclear what's going on with your boyfriend. Maybe there is a lot of things - he's unemployed, he has depression. Also, being a male and like many men, he may not want to seem as those he has a weakeness. I know it's so silly, however, generations of this type of belief is hard to break.

Maybe to help you I can share my experience with my hubby. For many years he had been suffering PTSD, anxiety and depression. Long before I knew I also had it. What I did know was he needed to talk with someone about it. It took years, but he eventually went and did a weekend workshop. Best thing he ever did.

It isn't easy to talk about what it is that is depressing one, often we don't know. Lots of soul searching, sometimes it's just that it is - depression, a chemical inbalance in the body and without treatment, one's quality of life is reduced. Ultimately it will be his decision to do something about his condition - maybe just be there when he does.

Just wondering if you have looked at the resources available on our website about - supporting someone with depression? If you want to, it can be found by doing a keyword search using the search tool at the top of our webpage.

Feel free to browse or do a search of our forum discussions and join in those that you think are helpful.

Hope some of this helps madds.

You're not alone. Keep reaching out if and when you want to.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Matches]

Hi madds2424,

I'm sorry that your relationship has ended this way. Whether or not you continue your relationship together, I would maintain contact with him. I'm very concerned for him as I have also behaved in this way in the past while planning my own suicide, I guess it's a form of tying up loose ends, putting things in place before the end.

Please call 1300 22 4636, this matter may require more specialised attention than this forum can't provide.

[madds2424]

Hi Pamela, thank you for your response.

I don't think I was 100% clear in my original post because when I made it I was quite a mess but we have broken up and I'm trying to give him distance and space while also trying to protect my own feelings.

Thankyou for sharing your story though it helps to know that people will get help even if it takes a long time. I will go look at the other forum you mentioned as well. Thankyou

[madds2424]

Hi Matches, thank you for your response.

I did ask him recently if he was considering suicide and he said he wasn't going to. In the past if he ever was he would tell me about it so I guess I just have to hope he will still do this while we are not in contact. Although this situation has seemed like a warning sign to me he assures me it isn't.

Thankyou though, if I get more concerned I will give that number a call.