Bipolar husband has broken law - pushed to limit

[Wifeofbipolar]

Hello this is my first time writing here.I feel like I'm a shell of the person I used to be. I feel like I need to walk away, whilst also feeling the need/guilt to help him.

For 6 years my husband has been diagnosed with bipolar 2. There have been many ups and downs, but I'm always there to support him. Late last year though things changed. He would start rolling his eyes (looking out of it) and deny any drug use instead saying it is a change in his bipolar medication. I then noticed he must have been taking way more than the prescribed amount  as I would see a pack with many tablets and then they would be gone quicker than they should be. I've spoken to him and he makes excuses. I've spoken to his mum and she makes excuses for him also. Late last year I forcefully took him to hospital when I thought he had taken something and was saying wierd things. He denied taking anything so hospital thought the may have meningitis, which was never proven.

I feel as though perhaps I've developed a mental health issue dealing with everything that's going on and holding it all together. I have no desire to leave the house. My husband does see a psychiatrist but thinks he knows better than them. I am worried about my husband being alone around our kids and the psychiatrist even said he's not in the right state of mind for the responsibility of looking after 3 kids and making responsible decisions. Somehow he manages to continue to work in his own company, allowing me to make sure our children are safe.

A few months ago we had a knock on the door and it was police and riot squad with a search warrant. Devastatingly this Showed that he had been using drugs not prescribed for him. Still awaiting what is to happen.

I feel that despite the bipolar, what my family has gone through is unacceptable. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way? I worry for my kids now and feel I can't continue to support him any longer.

[Guest_9809]

Hello Wifeofbipolar, and welcome to the BB Forums. This is a safe and supportive place for you to discuss what is bothering you. You will find your fellow members to be helpful, compassionate and supportive. So please know that you can come here anytime you need to vent, and to receive some understanding support from others.

What you are going through right now is a frightening situation for you. Naturally you are concerned for yourself and your 3 children, and rightly so. It sounds as though your husband is quite unstable mentally. And his overdosing of prescription meds as well as likely illegal drug use, would definitely be making things much worse for him.

Given that he has been reasonably stable for the past 6 years, until late last year, seems to indicate that his drug use is a relatively recent thing. He badly needs help but unfortunately, in his current state, he is going to remain extremely resistant to any suggested treatment or help.

You are right Wifeofbipolar, this is totally unacceptable behaviour from your husband. You are not being unreasonable in expecting better treatment from him than what you've had these past 7 months.

You need to ensure your own safety and wellbeing, and that of your children, first and foremost. If that means being unable to continue to support him, or to support him from afar, then so be it.

Until he is ready and prepared to seek treatment for both his spiraling bipolar, and more importantly his likely illegal drug use, then there is little you can do to help him anyway. You would only be endangering yourself and your children, both in a physical and mental health sense.

Do you have family support near you that you can go to for assistance if needed? Or good friends whom you are close to? It may also benefit you to speak to a counselor to help you deal with this new development with your husband.

All I can offer for your husband would be to suggest that you would like to go with him to see his GP, psych or counselor. But I expect he would not allow that anyway. He needs to be willing to help himself, and until he does something illegal or is proven to be a danger to himself or others, not a lot can be done by you.

I hope you can see the forums as a place of refuge in a way - somewhere you can come when you need to speak your mind. It helps to get things off your chest. There are many kind people here who will be very willing to help guide and support you.

Please post again.

Taurus

[gld]

Hi Wifeofbipolar,

I feel Taurus4826's post is on the money with many points and your feelings are very understandable living with a person who is not making the best choices. Living with someone who is unwell does put a lot of pressure on yourself and has the ability to make you unwell physically and mentally.

Your own mental well being is something you are able to find supports to make improvements to move towards a more comfortable place. Our community is great to visit and receive support from others as well as this you could find other supports from your own GP by going to extended appointment sharing with them your feelings and things you are experiencing at present. There are many other supports that you are able to access ARAFMI support groups, friends/family, learning ways to relax and contacting mental health professionals.

I feel you have taken steps to help your husband get help and what is going on at the moment is something that is out of your control and it is more important for you to work towards things that you are able to improve for yourself and your children.

Please keep on looking after yourself.

Gen

[Ken1]

Welcome to the forums, Wifeofbipolar!

I'm so sorry for your emotional turmoil, and for the difficult tug of war you're stuck in. What a difficult journey you must have travelled trying to support your husband and support yourself and your kids! I really admire your strength and persistence to continue to strive to support and look after the people in your life. Despite your difficulties, you are incredible. I also think it's amazing that you trusted your gut and took your husband to hospital when you were worried. Even if nothing was 'proven', there's a chance that the instance clicked something inside of him. In the least, it speaks of your character.

Good on your for realising that maybe your mental health is not OK. What are your next steps to look after that? Taurus mentioned seeing someone which may be worth your consideration. I know seeing a counsellor helped me when I was dealing with depression and anxiety.

Don't feel guilty for doing what you need to do to protect your kids. He is an adult and has responsibility for his health, as difficult as things undoubtedly are for him, but at the end of the day, your kids need a parent to look after them. It is good that you have the opportunity to do this.

You're correct, mental illness or not, these events are unacceptable. Mental illnesses are incredibly debilitating and not a fun journey by any means, and it is imperative that we do our best to understand and support those suffering with one, but it is never an excuse for bad behaviour. You do what you feel is best for you and your family, as well as considering the safety of your husband. They are potentially big decisions, but with the right support around you, you can do it.

You are not unreasonable and I truly do admire you.

All my very best.

Bonnie

[Wifeofbipolar]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I truly appreciate it. I naturally always want to help people and am a go to for supporting family, friends, employees and anyone else I cross paths with, so find it difficult that I cannot seem to get anywhere in this instance. I will be visiting a gp to ask for referral. I can't keep going this way. Thanks again for your reply.

[Dr_Kim]

Hi Wifeofbipolar,

It's possible that you have answered your own query. Your first line kind of sums it up but I'm going to change a couple of the words.. maybe you need to come to terms with walking away and accept the associated feelings of guilt.

One has a responsibility to care for 
- Ones self 
-.Ones kids
- Ones partner 

How would order these sometimes competing needs ?
How would your husband?

I feel unapologetic in saying that whilst your kids are young it's ok to put them up the top of the list. I think then you need to put self care a close second or else you CANT look after them .

So that leaves looking after your partner and his needs as no 3. Now of course , we do step it up for our partner when they need a bit of temporary support for one reason or another and then they often switch around and do the same for us.

The model gets thrown up in the air though when there is not a SHARED placing of children needs as No 1 and/or there is a prolonged inequity in the partner caring. Sometimes this is due to illness - mental illness or physical illness , sometimes due to intense life distractions, sometimes personality issues or unresolved trauma or attachment issues from the partners childhood playing out , amongst others causes.

Whatever the cause , there should be a time where you can “take stock” and think about what YOUR needs are and what are they any less than his, or your children’s? What do you want , what are your boundaries ? 

If you are unsure what I mean , please take a look at this quick clip

Oh and while you are at it .. look at the Brene Brown website. She has great books, videos , TED talks  and on line training to help people get back in touch with their values , strengths and feel less sacred of taking risks ( being vulnerable).

Your last line sums it up. “Its unacceptable…”. So I think you might have worked out the boundary . Now you need to sort out how you enforce without fear.

[Winterfell]

This is a very difficult situation. Your reserves are being drained and I can understand that you dont want to go out anymore. Its like a tank of fuel and with what you have left you want to conserve it for your kids. I get like that too, I only want to talk to my best friend and my mum and spend time with my kids.

Your husbands drug use could be impulsiveness or poor decision making or an attempt to self medicate and control feelings. Can he tell you why he has been using drugs? I hope you dont mind me asking

[Daisy_]

Hi,

Your husband's bipolar doesn't explain his decisions to lie, take drugs, brake the law, playing medical ppl, being a bad husband or not looking after himself. Draw a boundary line between bipolar and his bad behaviour.

I agree with Dr Kim. Seriously think about separation, walking away, as an option - it would be less stress on you & the children. You cannot "fix" the man, he has to do that largely himself if it's going to happen.

Also, you do need to self care more.