BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE WITH THE DEPRESSED GIRL I LOVE. NEED SOME HELP/ADVICE/THOUGHTS

[Mauvaise_foi]

I’ve been in a relationship with my ex girlfriend since February 2013. It was great, she even told me I was one of the best things that had happened in her life. In the end of March this year however, we kind of broke up, because of her not feel well due to mental issues. The reasons she gave me at the give were quite vague, but she didn’t even know herself what was going on. She said she still didn’t want to lose me, and we remained in contact. I tried my best to be as understanding as possible, telling her that I will always be there for her. She appreciated it very much, and she still said that I was one of the finest persons she has ever known.

Although, I can be a little needy sometimes, and at some point I felt that I couldn’t take it anymore. For about two months I tried to hide how difficult it really was for me. I would tell her it was difficult, but not in what extent. We saw each other only one time during those two months, which resulted in that the longing and the missing after her was too much for me to take. So when she asked me one day how I was, I told her that I felt worse than I would admit to myself or anyone else. She really cared about me, and during the weekend we talked about it and she really tried to cheer me up. 

Everything seemed reasonably fine. I made what I right now feel to be the biggest mistake of my life. With nothing but the best of intentions, I ordered some D-vitamins to her over the internet. We had spoken before about her illness condition maybe was seasonal defective disorder (SAD), even though she was skeptical. At the moment, I didn’t think it was that harmful, or that big of a deal.

But she became very hurt. She lashed out at me, that she wanted me to never contact her again and other mean things. I panicked. Tried to apologize several times, and wrote her an email trying to explain that I didn’t meant to hurt her. She told me to just leave her alone. 

That was now over a week ago.   

 When she lashed out at me she said she was depressed. I’ve read a lot about depression since then, and I can see now that I’ve done most things totally wrong. I beat myself up for being so uncomprehending.   I really don’t know what to do right now. I feel awful and am under so much stress. I guess the best thing to do is to give her the space she needs, but it’s really difficult for me. I really do want to do what’s best for her at the moment, but at the same time I am really afraid that I might lose her for good.

[white knight]

Hi Mauvaise foi,

welcome.  I do find your post a little confusing but I'll try to answer it the best I can.

We here all have an illness of some sort, some with multiple illness and we are also individuals. With mental illness we are all unique, there is no set rule of thumb. That's the difficulty in helping others here.

On the one side if someone doesnt accept anothers apology then its their choice and it is a reflection of how deep the issues are. How final they could be.  Depression comes and goes in cycles, even with the most appropriate medication it often comes and goes - just less of the roller coaster effect.  So I suggest you stay away for some time waiting for her to gather herself together. She knows you have apologised, are regretful etc....she needs space.  If she doesnt contact you then you really have to move on.

Life is harsh with relationships until you one day find the one that you click with. She might be the one but is going through a difficult time. Your love is being tested. When you have a partner with a mental illness you need more patience, more tolerance and more commitment. But there are often positives if you look hard enough....often creativity and care is given back.

[Mauvaise_foi]

Thank you white knight for your comment.

Yes, I do understand that my post could seem a bit confusing, since it originally was a long text.

I will post my respond in this thread here also:

Can't help still beating myself up over what happened in the past. It's really hard to stop overanalyzing every word I've said to her. I know it's destructive and of no use. But it is really difficult not to.

The last thing I wrote to her was a short message saying:

"I understand. Sorry, wish you the best."

At least I could have said something like "I support you even if you need space. I'm here whenever you feel like talking again."

But that's just to overanalyze, I guess. I will try my best to respect her wishes, and not contact her, even though my last message maybe was interpreted wrong by her. I don't know.

This is what I am thinking:

My ex's birthday is coming up in about a month. I will not contact her during this time, then write her a short email wishing her happy birthday,and tell her that I still do care for her.

And then I will leave it up to her if she someday will be interested in any further contact.

In the meantime I will try my best to focus on myself and my own happiness, as hard as it is though.

Does this sound like a good idea, or not?

I am really having a hard time right now... 😞

[AGrace]

Hi Mauvaise,

Ouch, love hurts at times, thats how we know its love.

I know white knight has already given you some advice so I dont want te rehas the same things.

It sounds like you and your ex found yourselves in a codependent relationship,  I'll help you then you help me, and the cycle continues. The fact that she's asked for a break suggests that she no longer finds this a helpful system, and in all honesty its not. Its reasonable to be vulnerable with our partners, however we also need to consider that we're not always required to be the one to give solutions to problems.

Seeking some professional advice individually would be a wise idea. You both need to find yourselves again before you can go back into a relationship.  Trying to rekindle that flame too soon means you just bring your existing concerns back into the relationship. 

Im not sure that your idea regarding her birthday is a good one, you need to learn to live without her before you go back to her. If she declines your offer again where will that leave you if you haven't come to terms with being without her?

I think give yourself and your ex some space. No doubt she knows where to find you and if she really wants to give your relationship a shot she will come after you.

Is there anyone you know who is in regular contact with her? These people can update you on her progress. In the meantime you need to find a way to continue with YOUR life.

I say all of this with compassion,  I hope it hasnt been to blunt.

AGrace

[Mauvaise_foi]

Thanks AGrace for your thoughts.

Yes, I do believe that giving her space is the best thing I can do right now. 

So, a short and no-pressure bd-message for her birthday would be a bad idea then?

I was thinking something like "Happy birthday! Hope you are taking care." Or something similar.

Or put in other words: would it be mean not to wish her happy birthday, since she requested space and no contact?

[AGrace]

Ok I'm going to go out on a limb here:

Yes, you can message her happy birthday, and perhaps just let her know you are thinking of her.

This is only my suggestion,  its really completely up to you. You know her better than I. Others may think differently...

Good luck, I can tell that you really care for her.

[Mauvaise_foi]

Thanks again AGrace for your comment.

As for my ex's birthday, I've decided to probably not contact her, since that would feel like using her brithday as an excuse for me to reach out.I am afraid to be mean to her for not wishing her the best on her birthday, but I think the best decision is not to since she has asked for no contact, and since it also pro would be a hugh setback for me if she didn't responded or if she responded something raw. 

Thoughts?

[AGrace]

Hi MF,

I was just having a look at some of your prior posts and realised your ex's birthday is still some time away. It's possible that you will go back and forth between ideas between now and the date. I'm also thinking that it's been a while since you both broke contact. If it were me I'm not sure that I would wait until her birthday. I'd probably try to call or text her now, just to let her know that your still thinking about her, and (by the sound of it) you haven't stopped loving her. 

Again,  this is just my thoughts, you choose what you think feels right.

AG

[Mauvaise_foi]

Thanks again AG,

Your words do good.

Well actually, this thread is somewhat incomplete since the word-limit for each post.

Basically, the summary is this:

Since March I has there for her in every way for two months when she started to feel ill (depressed).

During one week I messed up (inconsistency, too emotional, lengthy emails, pressure) due to my feelings of being hurt, lonely, pushed away etc.

Although she was understanding.

Then after this week I (with nothing but the best of intentions) ordered her some D-vitamins.

She became furious. Lashed out and told me to never contact her again.

Within the next 48 hours I apologized in three lengthy emails.

She responded. Apologized for lashing out. But told me she was still hurt and didn't want any contact in the nearest future. Wished me the best, although she was still upset.

I replied in a VERY long email. Basically agreed on everything she told me (that I was an idiot, that it would be best if we had no contact, that she was the best thing ever happened to me).

She didn't answere, of course.

I gave her space for 3,5 week.

Then I send her a message asking to talk things out, and that I still cared for her.

She said not now, or in the near future. But that she could possible keep in touch when she was better.

I replied:

"I understand. Sorry, wish you the best."

This was three weeks ago. 

Her birthday is coming up in 3,5 weeks and I am puzzled if / if not to write. But I think I will not, since that would at least feel most comfortable for myself, since I am still emotionally hurt, and I am uncertain if she would appreciate it, since she has asked for no contact.

I will give her the space she was requested.

However, our last conversation is still somehow messing with my head though, distracting me from moving forward with myself.

The last message I sent (I understand. Sorry, wish you the best) is disturbing. I just wanted to reply something short and light.

But afterwards, I realized it sounded more dismissive than I intended.

I just want her to know that I am here, and that I care. But on the other hand I don't want to disrespect her wishes of no contact.

Do I have to worry about this? Does it matter?

I am obsessing over the last sentence, and could really use some calm thoughts about this one.

It really feels like I've messed up to a point beyond what's repairable.

[AGrace]

I get what you're saying, you didn't want it to sound like goodbye and good luck.

I think you at least need to share with her some of the things you've just posted. Its not like you've been stalking her everyday.

Your feeling fragile, I understand,  you need to be sure that you can deal with her reply, or deal with her not responding. I think there's quite a bit that's been left unsaid, it's up to you if and when you feel it needs to be said.