Being Strong for a partner who only sees Hate, Anger and see me as the enemy.

[Lost2014]

I am hoping to see if anyone can assist me is to how to cope with my current situation. My partner suffers severe anxiety and depression. I do my best to be there and support him but nothing i do seem to be enough and always get blamed for his emotional stresses. I try with all my might to be there to be supportive and meet his needs and try not to upset him. My problem is that the harder I try it is still not enough. I get abused verbally and sometime physically. Blamed and accused of being dishonest and at times being accused of things i know i could never do. He will cause the biggest argument over petty things. Possessive, territorial and very manipulative. I want to help my partner as i believe that he isn't who is it and that this sickness have consumed him so much . I love him with all my heart but he is hurting and sometimes i think he does it intentionally to drag me down with him. Our relationship have always been up and down and has been ongoing for the last 5 years. I am well aware that it is not healthy but you can't help who you love. Our separation is due to his insecurities and the lies, cheats and being disloyal. He blames his condition but are not willing to do anything about it. He continues to come back and says he loves me and he wants me to be there to help him. I do this in hoping that he will pursue to seek help and i will be there with him.  He will initiate at start but after 1-2 session he becomes aggressive and not follow through. Despite all the faults and the pain i endure i still stick by him because i believe he can move past this. In most recent event. He have decided to go through my phone and have questioned me about a friend that I am mutually connected with and would consider a best friend. I shared my concern and was seeking support. My partner took offence of the situation and saw me betraying him and that I'm cheating which was not the case. due to this, he became extremely angry and hateful to a point that he moved out and he sees nothing but negative. I love this man so much and I am willing to do anything to help him recover from this. But he cannot be reasoned with and he sees me as an enemy rather a partner who is trying to give him the support. He is so consumed by it all that even though I am trying to be there... I end up being the one that takes all the heat and be blamed for all of it. Can anyone here relate and are able to help?

[white knight]

Hi lost2014, welcome to Beyond Blue forums,

Ok, firstly I do not believe he is intentionally "dragging you down with him". That is not commonly done.

There are some things you mentioned that are totally unacceptable. Whatever your future relationship with this man will be, you should and can insist on, not guide lines but firm solid set in concrete rules. They should include-

- zero physical abuse

- minimal verbal abuse (I say minimal because to eliminate it entirely wont be possible)

- that you arent his punching bag just because you are always in the firing line.

- relationship counselling and regular GP visits.

From how you have described everything I cant see much hope of you working it out. You are not to blame for his condition and he has basic responsibilities to uphold including respect for you. In the meantime read up on many threads here that will help you.

Take care.  Tony WK

[Doolhof]

Hi Lost 2014,

I agree with the post White Knight has written to you. I feel too that you need to set boundaries as to what is acceptable behaviour with your partner.

As much as you love him, you are not there to cop everything that he dishes out to you. Yes, he does have depression and anxiety issues, even so, it does not give him the right to treat you the way he does.

It sounds to me like he has a control issue as well, and likes to be the one with all of the power, which makes it very hard for you to have a compatible relationship.

You mentioned your partner has moved out, is he planning to move back in? How do you feel about him returning? Would it be possible for the two of you to have some time apart, so you can both think this situation through?

Have you thought about using the webchat or phoneline here on the Beyond Blue site to ask for more advice that way?

If you want to learn more about your partner's behaviour you could look up anxiety and depression on the internet or here on this site.

I'm going to share a little of my first marriage with you. My husband was lovely when we were first together. Well some of the time anyway. He had faults I thought I could live with. After we were married he beat me up regularly, he would then apologise, only to do it all over and over again. Each time he beat me up, he became more powerful in my eyes and I never thought I could get away from him.

I told him I was leaving him, he beat me up. Then told me I couldn't leave him because he would kill himself. He tried to make me feel guilty! In the end I escaped when he went to the bottle shop to buy more beer.

Do you love your partner enough to keep putting up with the way he treats you? Ask yourself if you think he will get better, if he can stick to medical assistance and help, if he is willing to fight hard to be well again?

Is your partner willing to go to a Dr to ask for help, to be assessed, to take medications if needed, to continue with counselling and what ever else is needed?

As you love him so much, I hope the answer to this is yes. I hope for your benefit, he can see that he needs help and you can have a happy relationship. I hope he realises how much you mean to him and that if he wants to be with you, he will have to change.

Like Tony wrote, take care of you and don't shut yourself off from people who you may need in times of trouble. From Mrs. Dools

[Lost2014]

Hi Tony,

Thank you for your response and yes it is unfortunate that I allow for this to happen.  At the early stage i have set ground rules and we're firm that those actions are not acceptable. When push comes to shove and we end up having a disagreement .  Those rules goes out the window and because i stand up for myself.  He either turns things around and become either fearful of me and saying that i don't care about what he is going through and that i mistreat him.  Or he becomes a raging man who tops over me and curse at me and will go ballistic . It even goes as far as humiliating me in public to get his satisfaction.  He dislikes not getting his way and i think for having to deal with this for so long I've lost my own way.  

[Lost2014]

I wa 

HI Mrs Dools,

I sit here in tears and with no hesitation in admitting that i love him deeply. I continue to visualise the positive outcome on how it will be for us if only my partner accepts and allow himself to heal. The problem is that he chooses to ignore the signs and when i approach him about seeking help he then turns on me.  I suggested that we both go but he refuses as he believe that his condition will never change and that i should take what comes my way.  He have committed to go in the past to seek counselling but never completes the session.  He would tell me that he has been going to his appointment and i would believe him.  Then i get letters that he hasn't  been going at all.  He refuses to take medication because of the side effects. He have given up on treatment. 

I have lost count of how many times he have moved out and plead to come back. I just want him to understand that im here to support him but he needs to know that he needs to do it for himself too. 

[Lost2014]

After our last conversation, He said that he will be moving out and this time its for good. this was out of anger and rage and i know that he makes irrational decision and changes his mind. He chose to argue and once again, without me doing anything he started yelling at me over the phone and verbally abuse me like i meant nothing. I took everything in whilst in tears without saying a word. It was hard for me to get a word in as he just kept going yelling and abusive whilst his work colleagues listen in and laugh in the background.I was humiliated and got accused for things I've never done and  ridiculously untrue. Because of it all and I couldn't take anymore of his abuse. I decided to agree and have told him that when he return to kindly remove his belongings and be sure to return the keys. Once that said. I have blocked him completely to remove myself from his ongoing saga and constant emotional manipulation. I am confused is to what to do. One minute he would say it's over  and that he no longer wants me to be a part of his life because i don't treat him well and that he deserves better. Then I will confide in him and say that I do and have been giving my all but he sees different and that all he does he blocks me and not see that i'm trying. He wants me to show him but yet he wont let me in. 

[Lost2014]

I have take upon myself to let him be and give him space to calm down as i feel that this would be the best way. I then get a nasty message in 3 days saying how I let things go and that I gave up on him and still was not able to prove my love. I would be accused of sleeping around now that we are over and i have to justify my actions to him . I will be put down and state that I am heartless for moving forward because i choose not to argue and fight with him and continue to fight for us.What he doesn't realize is that I want to fight for us not fight each other. All I wan't  is for both of us to work together, help him with his issue and both of us to work as a team and aim for a happy future. I am extremely exhausted but I still continue to hope that when he returns that things will change that by removing myself that he will take the time to think things through and think of his actions and how it contributes to the relationship. I have taken the approach to seek help and made an appointment to seek counselling to help me deal with the situation and also to find my own feet. I believe that I have exhausted all the possibility of trying to a point that I have lost myself and the ability to speak my on voice. I need to gain clarity and find myself for the sake of my future weather if it is with my partner or without.

I am fighting a battle on my own and once again nothing i do is ever considered in his eyes being right. 

[EmeraldStar]

Dear Lost2014,

Remember that you are the most important person in your life so you must put your own welfare & happiness above everything else. I don't mean that you need to be uncaring. But if you don't take care of yourself then you won't have the resources to help your husband.

I've been in your situation & I know how you hope that if you show enough love & support that everything will be alright. Eventually you will need to draw a line in the sand so it's best to do it before you reach rock-bottom in your own life. 

Couples counselling might not be best for you. Try some counselling for yourself but pick your adviser carefully. You need a good GP who can give you a short list of counsellors that you can phone & see if they're for you. Then get a health care plan for you from your GP.

Recovery for you & your husband will take time & effort but you must put your own welfare first. You are worthy of happiness in your own right so don't settle for too little. A psychiatrist once told me that my husband controlled me from a position of weakness - because I'm an optimist & give love without boundaries. But we need to apply common sense to our situation. As my teenage daughter once said to me: what would you advise if it were a friend or family member in your situation? 

Good luck & my very best wishes. M :} 

[Lost2014]

Thank you for all your kind words. I have decided to follow through for my own health and well being. I have gone and seek professional guidance and are now able to see things clearly. I now understand that as much as i would like to help my partner, I am in no condition or power to help someone who isn't willing to help themselves or acknowledge their actions. I have decided to void all contacts and focused on healing myself. My now ex partner continues to dwell on his anger and hate and does everything in his power to drive him more crazy. even though we have parted, he continues to disrespect me and find a way to draw my attention to react so he can fuel himself with rage. I have endured so much and suffered so many unnecessary sacrifice to help  . I have been far too worried about trying to fix us.. I have forgotten ME . 

[Doolhof]

Hi, it is great that you are trying to find YOURSELF again.

It can be a tough decision, but sometimes it is the best one you can make.

Congratulations for reaching out to others and for searching for professional help and assistance.

If your ex partner becomes too much of a problem, I hope you are able to find ways of dealing with that too. I am not sure what to advise in that respect, but I am sure your Dr or the professional guiding you will have answers.

It does seem like it is time for you to look after yourself, to improve your life and take this opportunity to be the person you have always wanted to be.

Being healthy requires us to look after ourselves physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually (if you are that way inclined) .

This is a new beginning for you.

There will no doubt be other people here on this site who would appreciate knowing how you are getting on, and what is working for you.

So sometime when you are up to it, you might like to start another post in the "Recovery" section and let people know what is working for you.

I too would be interested to discover how you are and what is working. We can all do with learning new ways of dealing with life.

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools