Being a good partner

[Turtlekenobi]

First of all - apologies if there is already a thread on this topic (in fact there are probably hundreds).

I apologise for any incorrect terminology that may offend or patronise too.

My partner suffers from depression and anxiety and at times it really affects me. I know that seems selfish but when she has her episodes I feel like I can't win. As an example at the start of the week I planned a night away for two days for work, thurs/fri (i am self employed). My financial situation is a shambles and trips like this can be very beneficial as a financial boost so I need to go on them. I leave tomorrow and tonight she accuses me for not thinking about her and putting work first. This is very common and she often accuses me of this. I can't defend myself because if I try, we argue and it makes her worse.

I also made an event for our combined 30th birthday this Saturday and she tore me apart for not considering her situation (she is having a bad week mentally). My mother is flying all the way from NZ and my partner's issue isn't that I am having birthday drinks but that I have put pressure on her to come despite her situation? It is so frustrating I don't know how much longer I can deal with it.

Sorry if this is just a ramble. Perhaps that's all it is and maybe that's enough as a starting point for a discussion and for some advice as a partner.

Cheers guys

[BballJ]

Hi Turtlekenobi,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

The post was fine and not in shambles, you are reaching out for help on supporting your partner which is fine, many people reach out on here for help supporting their partner who may be suffering from a mental illness. My first question is, is your partner currently seeing a doctor at all for the depression and anxiety?

Unfortunately being a partner to a person with a mental health concern generally makes you the person to bare the brunt of their feelings. Partly because you are supporting them and they may need a place to vent. You're doing a great job firstly by supporting her though and please keep it up, I know it is tough but the fact you are is probably helping her a lot, more than you realise.

Do you both ever sit down and just talk about all of this when you're both calm? Perhaps a couples counselling may be an option for you both as well?

Please also check the section at the top of the page called The facts and go down to Supporting someone - this is a section for supporting someone who has depression or anxiety so may be beneficial for you to go through as well.

My best for you and your partner,

Jay

[Ken1]

Hi Turtlekenobi,

You have the right to feel overhwhelmed or just affected by her illness. Mental illness can have a MASSIVE effect on the people around it.

The thing to understand is that someone with a mental illness isn't themself and can often be irrational, clingy and just expect people to understand.

Not sure how open your partner is with you about her struggles but for me, the worst thing about my experienxe with depression and anxiety was that no one knew how to treat me and that wasn't their fault, but I was desperate for my friends and family to understand what it was like for me without them ever being hurt.

Obviously your wellbeing is as important as hers, but I would consider seeking advice from a professional on how to make the relationship coexist, or see if you both can have a good talk about it and reach a fair and mutual agreement. Try not to put pressure on her to do things, there's a time for tough love and there's a time to just support. I don't know the situation but it seems like she just needs support and some external help.

At times like this, distance within the relationship can also be beneficial. I know that I clung to everyone around me in a very unhealthy way and they actually stopped talking to me altogether - it was exactly what I needed to become more dependent on myself.

Hope some of that is helpful to you. All in all I truly commend you for the support you give her and for seeking help on this forum!

Bonnie

[Ceti]

Hi Turtlekenobi,

I feel like I'm in a similar situation to you! I've just joined this forum as I'm stuck and dont know what to do and then i read your post!

My partner is at a stage where he is completely lost and doesn't know where to turn. I try to be positive with him but that bounces right back at me and he tells me i dont know the future and i shouldnt lie to him like that.

I also read somewhere that maybe giving them some space every now and then is maybe what they need. Now i think thats the worst thing i could have done. He now thinks i've abandonded him, he feels more alone than he ever has and there is nothing i can do about it now.

Today i've tried to be near him and there for him but he keeps pushing me away and doesnt want anything to do with me. I think he is also have a bad week mentally right now, but it kills me not knowing what to do or how to help. He doesn't want to see a professional either as in his mind they cant help him.

sorry for the rant also but i think i just needed to get it out there!

hoping all is ok on your end!