Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Boyfriend's undiagnosed issues stressing me out

replies: 4

I think my boyfriend has depression and I don't know how to help him get help. Bit of backstory - we lived in college for a while, but now he lives with two friends in an apartment. They're usually busy with work and uni; meanwhile he's only doing one subject at uni, has no job, and no hobbies besides video games/internet. He says he feels like he lives alone since they're out so much. We made a bunch of friends at college, but since we left people are busy and we don't see them much. With not much else to do he tends to get lonely easily, and he spends most of his time with me or home alone. I think he should join clubs or something to fill his time but he says he doesn't want to. This then puts pressure on me as I'm mostly his only source of entertainment. Anyway a few months ago he told me he thought he might have depression. I'd thought so for a while - I have anxiety/had depression myself and I'd noticed similarities between his behaviour/reactions and my own. We'd talked and it had been ok and he'd seemed a little open to getting help, but wasn't keen on medication. But that was a few months ago and since then nothing has changed. If I ever bring it up he seems to shut down on me and doesn't respond much beyond "ok" or "yeah I know". I've asked him why he's resistant to the idea and he's talked about not wanting the hassle, or not knowing what the problem is so how could they help? but he's never shut down the idea completely. I want to understand so I can help, but when I ask him to elaborate on things or feelings the answer is often "I don't know" - I understand that's sometimes because he doesn't, or doesn't know how to say it, but he rarely elaborates and it feels like another shut down. I feel very left in the dark. He's told me that he stresses about everything - his health, finding a job, money, figuring out what he wants to do, having no friends or hobbies, lack of exercise, no motivation. It's killing me because I can see how unhappy in his life he is, and I can see how easily it could change if he'd just take that first step and get help. I know it's not my responsibility to look after him, but I care about him a lot and want him to be ok. But honestly, I have my own mental health to worry about. I'm nearly failing uni and I can't spend as much time with him as he'd like, which doesn't help him. Worrying about him, comforting him when he's down or keeping him company is stressing me out a lot, and I don't know what to do.

My partner is severely depressed and I don't know how to help

replies: 3

Hi. I've been with my partner for almost 6 years and I love him more than anything. He suffers from depression and anxiety and these have manifested to varying degrees over the years. I also have similar issues, however not to the same degree. I have difficulty talking about emotions and understanding his feelings. He is not in a very good place in his life, he's an artist and paid work is hard to come by, he feels his passion for his art slipping away and his depression is at its lowest. I don't know what to do or say. He sees a psychologist which is very helpful and has been on anti-depressants which are also effective for a time, but are essentially just a band-aid and have only helped in the short-term. He pushes me away and feels that I'm not doing enough to help. I feel this is true, that I could do more, but I just don't know what to do. He needs encouragement and motivation and I'm struggling to work out how to do that. He knows I love him and I take care of him, but nothing is working and I feel helpless seeing him slip away.

Being a good partner

replies: 3

First of all - apologies if there is already a thread on this topic (in fact there are probably hundreds). I apologise for any incorrect terminology that may offend or patronise too. My partner suffers from depression and anxiety and at times it really affects me. I know that seems selfish but when she has her episodes I feel like I can't win. As an example at the start of the week I planned a night away for two days for work, thurs/fri (i am self employed). My financial situation is a shambles and trips like this can be very beneficial as a financial boost so I need to go on them. I leave tomorrow and tonight she accuses me for not thinking about her and putting work first. This is very common and she often accuses me of this. I can't defend myself because if I try, we argue and it makes her worse. I also made an event for our combined 30th birthday this Saturday and she tore me apart for not considering her situation (she is having a bad week mentally). My mother is flying all the way from NZ and my partner's issue isn't that I am having birthday drinks but that I have put pressure on her to come despite her situation? It is so frustrating I don't know how much longer I can deal with it. Sorry if this is just a ramble. Perhaps that's all it is and maybe that's enough as a starting point for a discussion and for some advice as a partner. Cheers guys

6 Thiings I wish I knew before dating someone with anxiety and PTSD

replies: 0

Hi there, My name is Raman and I recently joined bluevoices and this will be my first thread on something I recently endured and learnt. I'm 32 years of age, a former sufferer of depression for around 12 years and was recently in a relationship with an amazing woman who suffered major anxiety and PTSD. Her past was not a pretty one, at all. However she as a bright as the sun and covered up her scars well. Over the 3 months we were together I can say that this was by far the most challenging relationship I had ever been in. I feel I am not the only one out there who has dated someone with anxiety/PTSD so I hope that message and honest advice cn help anyone else out there who has met similar circumstances. 1) Don't take things personal - Over time I learnt not to look through my eyes, but hers. It the early stages I always thought 'she doesn't like me' or 'what did I do to make her upset?' The reality was her reactions were not a reflection of me, but of her past and what she had endured. 2) Let them come to you - I have typically been the type of man to take charge and plan things. I also have no issues being affectionate and displaying that, however, dating someone with PTSD you have to be mindful of this and take the back seat. When they are ready, they will come to you. 3) Give space - This was very difficult at the start. When you meet and start dating someone you like, the natural progression is to spend more time together and see each other often. This wasn't the case with her and our relationship. They can get a feeling of being very overwhelmed and I picked up on this and had to learn to give space and take things slower than normal. 4) Research - My ex had endured being raped at a very young age by a group of older men. Horrible beyond imagination. I took the time to do a lot of research on rape and the side effects it can have on people. She knew I did a lot of researched and smiled when she first found out and thanked me. 5) Hot & Cold - One moment she was holding my arm tightly and smiling, the next she distanced herself and went quiet. Respect that this will happen and it's when your partner goes cold, you need respect that and not take it personal and give space without them making them feel bad. 6) Don't dig for the past - When I asked her, eye contact gone! We all have a past. Not everyone might be as open as you in sharing it. I hope this helps you and thank you for reading. Regards,Raman.

How to help wife

replies: 6

Hi all, My wife is suffering fairly severe depression and she is convinced that medication and counselling will not work. She seems adamant that there is no solution and that while medication may ease some symptoms, they will not address her issues of a deep dislike for herself (her words) and that it will never cure her depression and anxiety. I am worried that she may hurt herself and while I am not against taking drastic emergency action, I wanted to explore if there were any other options as she has said that she would be open to other avenues of treatment. My wife has suffered for a good 15 years and sees this as her normal and does not believe that it can change. I am at my wits end and any suggestions would be welcome!

Worried about hubby not sure what to do anymore

replies: 2

Hi My husband recently misused his anti depressants, (which he has been on for a year). I took him to GP they up his meds and prescribed a new medication to take when required. He initially cut back on alcohol and seemed to want to try and get help. But this last to weeks have been bad, he is drinking far to much (at least a carton of beer) and not wanting to do anything at all. I have tried to get him back to the doctors, he's refusing to go, I make plans to get out of the house (take the kids places or just go for walks) he refusing to get out of bed. I'm really worried about him, I don't know what else to do, I know he shouldn't be drinking while taking the new medication (I have hidden which when he finds out he will go off at me). What more can I do? I worry about my young children also, when is it a toxic situation for them to be in? I am concerned about what they are seeing and the effect on them to. any help will greatly be appriceiated. Thank you

Supporting teenage son as we navigate justice system

replies: 9

I understand this is a public forum and I don't want to expose my family in any way so I won't go into details. Our son has been accused of some very serious charges of sexual assault. He swears that the sex was consensual and has not changed his story since the incident. We are supporting him as best as we can and for the most part over the last 3 months we have believed that he is telling the truth. We have only recently seen the statement from the claimant (I avoid calling her the victim because it implies guilt) but sometimes I find myself wondering if he actually is capable of these crimes. It's a horrible feeling to have those moments when you don't believe your child, especially in a situation as serious as this. Over the years I have had feminist conversations with him, teaching him that women are to be respected and that 'No means No' and I don't want to believe that he couldn't control himself and treated someone with such callous disrespect. Our son is a typical adolescent in so many ways - moody, irritable, irresponsible, and has made lots of stupid decisions that have landed him in trouble at school and beyond school. There have been many times when he has refused to take responsibility for his actions, but we have tended to take that as a sign of immaturity rather than maliciousness. Right now we are trying to support him and each other but we are spending tens of thousands on legal fees and it is taking a toll on my mental health (depression, social anxiety, chronic absenteeism). I am very worried about him. He is getting regular counselling but his mood has recently deteriorated and he is self-harming and confesses to feeling 'distanced from the rest of the world,' He is very dark and difficult to reach. I'm interested to know if anyone else is in this situation and how are you coping? Thanks

Autism spectrum.

replies: 4

Hi all. So my boyfriend was really straightforward when we met, letting me know he is on the autism spectrum. I have done research and there are so many different facts, opinions and threads of information. And yes, I do realize that no two cases are the same. I have a couple of concerns, or observations even. He gets very caught up in things and often forgets I am there. And struggles to show affection, which makes me sometimes question does he want me there. I also feel I need to be very careful with what I say, the last thing I want is to hurt him or make him feel uncomfortable. Any advice would be very much appreciated, thank you lovely humans of BB x

Stop labelling and help

replies: 2

I'm a carer of and loving man who can't get the answers we both need or the help he is currently in a hospital bed being treated for sudo seizures,has had over 25 in the past 24 hours and now they want to pass him over to the mental health team yet again have done X-rays and ct but when asked for an MRI due to the amount he is having was told that there was no point as they all feel it to do with his many labels in other words too hard basket .iv had a family member who was wrongly diagnosed and years later died from brain tumour hence why after all theses seizures I asked for one .im lost scared and have lost all faith in our health system that I currently work in I'm over it the man I love has no one to help him but me and I'm scared of losing him .

Please help me understand

replies: 3

My partner has bipolar and has been joining adult dating sites. It seems to be cyclic but there are no symptoms or signs that this is happening. He seems to be quite "normal" at these times. He has never had sex outside of our relationship that I know of and he says he is definitely hetrosexual but he is in contact with other men on these sites. This has happened 4 times in the past 2 years since we have been together. I love him with all my heart and am trying to be supportive and help him but I don't know how much more I can handle. He says he loves me more than anything in the world and I believe him but am finding it difficult to trust him and my own anxiety and depression is starting to get the better of me. I would like to know if there is anyone else that can give me some advice. People who have been through the same sort of thing. He genuinely seems remorseful and upset about it all but when I find pictures on his phone of his private parts, I start to feel physically ill. I just don't know where to turn to for help to understand all of this. He is taking medications for his BP but being an alcoholic isn't doing him any good. He is a wonderful man, so loving and kind, a very quiet personality and I want things to work out for us. He said he needs to see his psychologist and get reviewed. Is this always going to be there or can he overcome it somehow and control it. I'm at my wits end. I knew he was bipolar when we met and he has always been upfront about it, his past and how he came to be diagnosed. He works very hard and is sometimes not home for days as he is a truck driver. We have no children living at home but both have kids to ex partners (mine are adults and his are under 16 yrs). This is ruining our relationship and I don't want that. Can anyone please give me any advice or experiences. I just feel so alone at the moment

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Boyfriend's undiagnosed issues stressing me out replies: 4

My partner is severely depressed and I don't know how to help replies: 3

Being a good partner replies: 3

6 Thiings I wish I knew before dating someone with anxiety and PTSD replies: 0

How to help wife replies: 6

Worried about hubby not sure what to do anymore replies: 2

Supporting teenage son as we navigate justice system replies: 9

Autism spectrum. replies: 4

Stop labelling and help replies: 2

Please help me understand replies: 3