Anyone else have young child with anxiety/ depression?

[bellybum]

Hi there,

My eight year old daughter 'L' suffers anxiety. She was 6 when we first sought help for it. Last year she seemed pretty good, but this year has been awful. We have been seeing a psychologist for months to no avail. Currently waiting to get in to a different one. We saw a psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago. He said she has OCD, a diagnosis I'm not entirely convinced about - we are waiting for another (cancellation) appointment to discuss medicating her. I'm reluctant to medicate, but also feel I have no choice - the treatment for anxiety/ depression/ OCD would all be the same - a mild antidepressant.

Our family is struggling to live with L. She is quick to anger, rude, snappy, defiant. Her younger sister is beginning to learn the bad behaviours, and I'm pretty sure feel sad that her big sister is mean to her all the time. We also have an 18 month old son who is growing up in a house of yellers. It's hard to distinguish between behaviour relating to the disorder(s), and simply bad behaviour. It undermines our confidence to parent how we might otherwise.

L is also clever - in the recent Year 3 NAPLAN tests she was in the top 10% across all the subjects except maths, where she was still well above average.

I'm hoping there are others on these forums who are in/ have been in the same boat, and can share their experiences - with medicating, strategies that help, perhaps some stories with a happy ending? I feel like I've failed my family. It is the most disharmonious place. I would never have imagined that a young child could cause so much unhappiness, and be so unhappy. It is just awful.

Looking forward to 'meeting' others who might help, or at least sympathise.

Thanks.

[Magyarok]

Hi Bellybum,

I can empathise with you because my 5yo daughter suffers from mild anxiety especially in new situations and this has been noted by her kindy teacher.  But once she is comfortable she can become quite outgoing and confident.

I think that it is a good idea that you are seeking a second opinion.  I think that medication is the least desired option especially for a child and other alternatives should be tested first.  I also personally believe that medications are too readily and over prescribed by doctors to treat behavioral issues in children.  I admire you for seeking other alternatives.

Kids are smart and they no how to push buttons and your daughter is no exception.  To me you come across as a concerned parent trying to do your best so please don't lose confidence in your parenting ability.  With parenting we have to remember to remain calm and composed and to treat our children firmly but fairly and with consistency.  I can appreciate that this can be difficult.

I think in your daughters case with two younger siblings is it possible that her bad behaviour could be a result of sibling rivalry, jealously and feelings of being left out or of perceived feelings of not being loved? - which i'm sure you love her to bits!  Maybe this could be looked at and addressed?  How is her behaviour and socialising at school?

It does seem to me that there could be a lot happening in your daughters life which could be leading to her bad behaviour because it is the only way she can express her feelings?

When she is behaving badly what do you do?  The temptation may be to punish but i believe this achieves little, doesn't address the issues and contributes to ongoing behavioural problems.

I think maybe an approach could be to try and spend more quality one-on-one time with her.  Perhaps you could go on special outings just with her?  What is she interested in?  You could use these opportunities to talk to her in a constructive way to find out what is concerning her and it will also make her feel more loved, confident and special which will hopefully address her behavioural issues and improve relationships and the situation in your family.

Parenting isn't easy and i admire you for doig your best.  I wish you and your beautiful family all the very best:)

Regards

Dave

[gremz]

Hi bellybaby

I dont have any children, I'm still very young. But as a child I did experience anxiety and depression. I don't know how my parents dealt with it so well. It was difficult for the whole family and has taken a few years to make peace with my younger sister. Its so frustrating and scary as a child to feel things that you don't have the words to explain. 

As you've noticed though, your daughter still has some great positives and sounds like she has some great potential. With every negative there is a positive.

I am very happy to hear you have sought support for her as early intervention is the best way to go. And I think support for you is very important. It wasn't until my teens that my mum found herself support and she seems so much happier and at peace since. Our relationship also improved heaps.

I'm pretty disappointed there's not much support for parents out there. Child mental health agencies like CAMHS usually work with the parents individually, as well as with the children, so maybe there is somewhere like that near you?

Totally understandable that you are reluctant to medicate your child so young, and I would be the same. I personally believe medication should be a last resort, so seek another psych's opinion and weigh up the pros and cons before such a big decision. Don't let anyone pressure you into something you're not comfortable with.

One trick my mum developed for my anxiety attacks or flip outs was creating a 'nest'. It was just a small spot in my room with blankets pillows and teddies that I could hide in when I was upset. No one was allowed to disturb me when I was there. Eventually I would come out, my mum would encourage me to eat, talk and give me some cuddles. After I had calmed down from everything, if i had done something wrong, she could then discuss what I had done wrong and my punishment in a peaceful way.

I guess me and my family are heading towards a happy ending. I still struggle, but am on a minimum dose of medication and am the happiest I ever remember being.

Stick in there and don't blame yourself. These things just happen, and most of the famous and successful people in the world have had mental illnesses. Hope you can find someone who understands to talk to!

[bellybum]

Thank you Dave. Your thoughts are appreciated. Though I know there is a lot more at play here than bad behaviour. L has threatened suicide several times, and doesn't take much pleasure in life. She behaves at school, though takes out her anger on a close friend sometimes.

I am working on upping the fun stuff though - hopefully it will help. It is so hard to remain calm in the face of unrelenting, if only seeming ingratitude and hostility. Every day I wake with a ball in the pit of my stomach.

Thanks again.

[bellybum]

Thank you! Love the nest idea. What is CAMHS?

I will seek a second opinion I think.

I wish you and your family well.

[gremz]

glad I could help 🙂

CAMHS stands for Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services. I know there are ones in Victoria, SA and WA but not sure about other states.. BeyondBlue would have resources to find agencies like it.

best of luck

[Magyarok]

Hi Bellybum,

I'm glad that my advice was appreciated.  I think that it is great that you are seeking a second opinion and will look into the organisation that Gremz has referred you to.

I'm sorry to hear that your daughter talks of suicide, this is obviously very concerning and needs to be addressed and needs to be taken seriously.  But please don't be offended by what i am about to say as i do not fully understand your family situation and i offer you my thoughts with sincerity .....

It seems unusual that an 8yo would have any ongoing thoughts about suicide in any great detail.  So i wonder if she has heard about this from somewhere and i wonder if she uses this as a 'trigger point' as she knows that this will get to you?  That's just a thought and i am probably entirely wrong?  But in any case any talk of suicide has to be taken seriously.

I'm sorry for the stress that you are going through.  You are a good parent and this is demonstrated through your desire to seek the best possible treatment for your daughter.

I wish you and your family the very best and please take care

Dave

[Loozinmycool]

Hi Bellybum,

I can very definitely sympathise with you. I was sure you were talking about my 14yr daughter in parts of you post. Mine is a bright, mature, quick witted, popular teen who always stands up for the underdog, she's also stubborn as all get out and knows how to push her brothers, and mine, buttons.  When she's on her slippery slope to hell she is unbearable and at certain points I was planning my own escape 'walking out'  from a nightmare that I just couldn't cope with.

I've only recently found out the extent of my teens illness (through a suicide attempt requiring hospitalisation) She was prescribed anti depressants and went to a child psychologist.  The pills lasted just over a month before she gave up on them and she clammed up with her condescending 'head shrink' even though I had warned him she didn't suffer fools lightly he didn't listen and set back any progress she could've made.

The following 4 points have made a small difference for us.

1.  Don't let ANY mental health professional talk down to your child especially an intelligent child/teen (only serves to drive issues further inwards)

2. We are currently trying a Counsellor/Kinesiologist (both of us independently) which is better than nothing as she refuses to go to a 'head shrink' .  My teen is reasonably happy to attend these sessions and appears more calm after them.

3. I'm learning to give time & space to my teen and being rewarded with out of the blue conversations that can last hours and generally enlightens me as to why she has been SO downright rude and difficult ( it has meant porridge for dinner!)   Some times her downward spiral relates to the issues, shifts and upheavals in her friendship groups.

4. I've let my own physical & mental health slip and it's only through my doctor's persistence that I'm rectifying that and have found I have a smidge more resilience to my teens moods (not easy when one is going through menopause!)

Wishing you & your family strength and perseverance.

[Diddy]

My daughter is 11 and has suffered anxiety for the last couple of years.  Just recently this appears to have progressed to depression and I'm really not coping well with seeing her so sad all of the time.  I have a doctor's appointment for her on Monday so I guess we'll have to see where we go from there.  I spoke to her teacher this morning (who has taken medication for depression most of her life) and she seems to think that DD requires medication.  She is an extremely intelligent and creative girl and I'm terrified of what effect medication could have on her.  I'm so confused and upset at the moment and just want my little girl better 😞

Glad I'm not alone though and wishing you all the best with your daughter.

[bellybum]

Hi Loozinmycool.

Thank you for your post. Your first piece of advice in particular has me worried. We have now seen the psychiatrist 3 times. I wrote my original post after the first visit, at which time I was most unhappy with the way the session went, and the diagnosis. After that time, my GP encouraged me to stick with him, and the second visit was much better. Just today we saw him again for the 3rd time. I really felt he bamboozled my daughter, talking in circles. It's like he's trying to be clever! With an eight year old! My daughter squirmed, and it was hard to watch - it was all I could do not to jump in and tell him to just ask a straight question!! (I didn't.)

I've only ever known 2 psychiatrists, including this guy, and they both do this - why do they do that?!!

So now I'm in a position where I have the script in my hand

and we are just starting out with a new psychologist, who L really likes, and I'm wondering how much the relationship with the psychiatrist matters - as opposed to the psychologist. There's only one other psychiatrist for a girl my daughter's age in our city, or the CAHMS - but I think they only deal with more acute cases . . .

Think I'll have to get in touch with CAHMS to ask if they would manage her case . . . . or have any other suggestions . . . .

All of your other points are also useful, and noted - thanks. All the best to you too.