Ageing parents looking after chronically depressed older sibling

[Dreamland]

Hi Everyone,

I have a brother in his late 40’s who has suffered lifelong severe depression. He has always been incredibly incredibly intelligent and intellectual however he struggled to launch into life, care about finding a job, didn't stay in touch with friends etc etc. One known suicide attempt. At around 30 years of age he basically just dropped out of life altogether. His place of work closed, he moved home and he has literally never left the house in like over 15 years. He will go into the backyard however he hasn’t ventured into the world this whole time. He has never been to a dentist in that time or even a doctor,constantly complains about bodily aches and maladies however REFUSES HELP AT ALL COSTS. My parents couldn’t bring themselves to force him to move out so therefore it enabled this downward spiral and now, my parents are 73 and 80 respectively, I literally have no idea whats going to become of my brother who has opted to become a ghost in the world and yet cannot take care of himself. His depression is crippling, he cannot face the outside world, sleeps all day and spends all night on line. He also tortures my mother emotionally about how much he hates himself and how he wishes he had never been born. My parents are amazing people however they cannot force him to seek help but it is tearing them to pieces. They are trapped in so many ways. It’s almost as if they are hostage to him. And he is a very hard person t be around. Hardly talks and if he does, it’s all absolutely awful subject matter. It’s as if he wants everyone t feel awful too. This whole situation makes me so sad and I have no idea what to do or how to help anyone. My question is...can you force help on someone who is an immovable object? Any advice, iformation or shared experience would be really appreciated!!!

[Croix]

Dear Dreamland~

Welcome here to the forum. I'm sorry for the state of your brother and the position your parent are in.

It is very tempting to try to look after an offspring, however if this reaches the stage that the offspring simply cannot take care of themselves there are some avenues try.

The obvious one is for your brother to be persuaded to seek help. I know this has been tried, however has that been done recently?

The other alternative is for your parents to see their own doctor and seek advice.

If all else fails try your local equivalent to a CAAT team (crisis assessment and treatment team) who can asses a person's history and condition and make arrangements for treatment if necessary. They do this partly on the basis of a person's conditon to look after themselves.

They go by different names and slightly different functions in the different states listed here:

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/crisis-management

I'd suggest discussing this with your parents and see what they think best

We would very much like to know how you get on, a difficult situation.

Croix

[D1amond]

Hi Dreamland,

I have a younger brother, in his late 30’s who sounds similar.

He lives with me, and so I can understand how your parents are feeling. Fortunately my brother does go to a dr/psychologist and psychiatrist, but other than that, does not leave the house, except for the supermarket.

It is so hard to know what to do or say, as he is not just a little bit depressed, he’s severely depressed. I feel for your family, as I know what it’s like. I hope he can seek out some treatment somehow.