6 Things I wish I knew before dating someone with anxiety and PTSD

[RandR]

Hi there,

My name is Raman and I recently joined bluevoices and this will be my first thread on something I recently endured and learnt. I'm 32 years of age, a former sufferer of depression for around 12 years and was recently in a relationship with an amazing woman who suffered major anxiety and PTSD. Her past was not a pretty one, at all. However she as a bright as the sun and covered up her scars well. Over the 3 months we were together I can say that this was by far the most challenging relationship I had ever been in.

I feel I am not the only one out there who has dated someone with anxiety/PTSD so I hope that message and honest advice cn help anyone else out there who has met similar circumstances.

1) Don't take things personal - Over time I learnt not to look through my eyes, but hers. It the early stages I always thought 'she doesn't like me' or 'what did I do to make her upset?' The reality was her reactions were not a reflection of me, but of her past and what she had endured.

2) Let them come to you - I have typically been the type of man to take charge and plan things. I also have no issues being affectionate and displaying that, however, dating someone with PTSD you have to be mindful of this and take the back seat. When they are ready, they will come to you.

3) Give space - This was very difficult at the start. When you meet and start dating someone you like, the natural progression is to spend more
time together and see each other often. This wasn't the case with her and our relationship. They can get a feeling of being very overwhelmed and I picked up on this and had to learn to give space and take things slower than normal.

4) Research - My ex had endured being raped at a very young age by a group of older men. Horrible beyond imagination. I took the time to do a
lot of research on rape and the side effects it can have on people. She knew I did a lot of researched and smiled when she first found out and thanked me.

5) Hot & Cold - One moment she was holding my arm tightly and smiling, the next she distanced herself and went quiet. Respect that this will happen and it's when your partner goes cold, you need respect that and not take it personal and give space without them making them feel bad.

6) Don't dig for the past - When I asked her, eye contact gone! We all have a past. Not everyone might be as open as you in sharing it.

I hope this helps you and thank you for reading.

Regards,

Raman.

[815]

Hi CJM,

I'm sorry to hear the situation you are in. It sounds like you really do care for this person and are concerned about her. I think sending her a message to say you are thinking about her, would be a nice gesture. It is not asking anything of her, just letting her know you care...I think you just have to not expect any response if she is still trying to deal with things on her own. But at least she will know that someone cares.

I'd also like to thank you for reigniting this thread. It has some very useful information for carers. And once again I find Croix's words to be so insightful, and full of hope.
The second thing - and anybody reading your post will already have realized this - is that the carer has to have not only the strength to keep going long-term but also the faith in his/her self to overcome the impulse to self-blame and feel they are contribution to their partners ups and downs.
There is a reward at the end. As time went on I came to see my wife and was able more and more to offer back the love and care she had given me so freely.

Thanks once again.

[815]

Hi again CJM,

I just reread your post. I realised that you did not refer to this person as 'him' or 'her' and I am not sure why I made the assumption that this person is female. So I would just like to say sorry for the assumption.