New relationship, partner going through a depressive episode. Long term outlook and how to help in the short term?

[lifeisbutadream]

Hi there everyone, my boyfriend of ~5 months is currently going through a major depressive episode and I'm wondering what are some tips for handling this, preserving my own mental health, and if there is any advice given this is a relatively new relationship (future outlook). I love him and know he is an intrinsically good person despite the current state of our relationship, and I do want to be in it for the long haul.

For context, I hadn't seen him in 3 weeks over the holiday period, I have also been away for another 3 weeks (so I haven't seen him in 6 weeks). He also dropped off majorly with his communication efforts, sometimes just sending me 1 text a day (going from talking everyday). I was feeling quite hurt about this and felt it was a sign of a lack of interest and effort and I reached a breaking point. I conveyed my hurt over feeling not prioritised and explained I needed time spent together and a level of commitment and effort.

He returned saying he felt he was stuck in a rut, but did have a desire to see me and wanting to be a more supportive partner. He also described feeling disconnected and confused in his general life and indicated he has just been trying to get through each day but feels as though he is not actually living. He works in hospitality and I think has been quite snowed in with work during this holiday season.

Having done a little bit of reading into depression and it's manifestations, I think he is isolating himself and probably is doing the best he can but is unable to necessarily respond to my emotions when he himself is emotionally deplete. I also think he may struggle making healthy boundaries and saying no. Now that I am aware of this, I am trying not to take his recent behaviour personally and understand it isn't something he can help. Aside from suggesting he seek professional help, or even just the help of a close friend, what are some ways I could help him through this period? We don't live together and I'm not sure if asking to see him/ organising a time to spend time together would help or cause him more grief. As much as I don't want to, would it also help for me to give him space and back off or suggest a break for a little while?

Lastly, I know the importance of prioritising my health and I was wondering how to cope with the anxiety that comes from not talking to a partner and feeling lost emotionally (as I have felt recently).

Thanks to everyone for reading and thank you for any suggestions in advance!

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Our individuality (for the depressed) can alter how we interact with a others. For this reason its difficult to advise. However, I have my own theories on some behaviours, lets call it "minimal" expectations" of someone with a mental illness like depression.

Apart from very severe cases a depressed person still has to function to a minimal level. Eg they could claim they slept all day (or at least "couldnt get out of bed". That might be a good reason not to do some basic obligations to a partner eg ring them or make them a cuppa upon their partner arriving home. However, during the day when they were "sleeping" could they attend the toilet?, make themselves a light lunch? answer a knock at the door? If there is "yes" to any of these then they can do those basic obligations imo. If they can do those personal activities but not anything for their partner then I'd ask why. Reason being often a partner becomes an "enabler" and the depressed person becomes more and more reliant on their well partner.

A good example is him not calling you, I find it odd behaviour. In a normal setting with the absence of mental illness you'd be more suspicious I'd assume. So why would a phone call of say 3-4 minutes duration such an ordeal?

It's called "who cares for the carer". It isnt ideal that a partner of a depressed person is not cared for themselves, a relationship that when it comes to care, is a one way street. Often that isnt sustainable.

So what I'm suggesting is to by all means continue with your empathy because he'll thrive on that, however take note on his lack of effort in the relationship with the little things like brief but important communication. If these long periods of communication repeat themselves then he might not be someone that is a good partner to anyone. Often long term is the more common period a partner becomes intolerant to this "one way" care business.

So hoping I've left you with at least some thinking topics. I also hope you get the attention you deserve with someone special in your life.

Reply anytime

TonyWK