Worried about my husband

[Magnolia11]

My husband has been under a lot of pressure at work over the past year. I've been really worried & have been flagging burnout/depression with his for months. In early December it's like a switch flicked - he stopped engaging, especially with me - still interacting as needed at work. At home, he just shuts down. He's also had a few binge drinking sessions with friends (he's in mid 50's) but aside from that doesn't drink much. I finally convinced him to go see a Dr & is two weeks into antidepressants. I found out a few days ago that a few days prior to the Drs appt he had planned to a suicide attempt but didn't follow through - he volunteered this information to me but now won't talk about it. He said it won't happen again. He says that he told the Dr, but I'm unsure as he insists on going to appts on his own. I'm afraid, and not sure what to do. We had a good relationship before this, ups and downs of course but primarily good. How do I make sure he knows I'm here for him without smothering him and creating additional anxiety? How do I make sure that the Dr knows what has happened? I'm struggling to manage my own feelings with this and neither of us is sleeping well. I guess I'm also trying to understand how to make things worse.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Thankyou for posting on the anonymous site.

Men can be difficult, I'm one so I'm admitting I also dont tell my wife everything. This is a primary issue and yes, your methods of approach/support/recommendations etc to him is a fine line so I hope I can provide you with something to help bridge that gap.

Males and female differ greatly with affection and men need and often want support but shy away from it. Mens friendships with other men are very different on an emotional level than women to women.

So I can suggest a number of things-

• Try to judge whether a hand on the shoulder without words is better than a full conversation. Sometimes a hand is more favourable when he is upset because us men dont like to talk when teary.
• Add a few delicate comments of praise but you'll need to be not too obvious eg "I was going to take the rubbish out darling but guess what... you already did that, thankyou". And "Just wanted you to know I appreciate you - lovely man"
• Spend 90 minutes a week with a meal alone, no kids, dogs, friends etc. alone.
• Identify with any issues he struggles with. When depressed last year I kept mentioning to my wife that my shed needs a tidy up. I got home from an errand and she had already commenced the task. Was so good.
• Ring lifeline or Beyondblue (number at the bottom of the page) or his doctor if he shows signs of suicidal thoughts.
• Explore hobbies, sports, carry out changes like attending the footy.

These posts might help-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/talking-to-men-some-tips/m-p/6142...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/relationship-strife-the-peace-pip...

Reply anytime

TonyWK

[Magnolia11]

Thank you TonyWK; I really appreciate your insights and your taking the time to reply. I'm 'asking' for a hug each day, and trying to take a soft approach and not overwhelming him with 'deep and meaningful' conversations which he can't manage at the moment.