When tornadoes form together.

[ABC01]

Hi,

My name is ABC01. I am not going to harm myself or others.

 I recently experienced a traumatic death and have been diagnosed with Major Depression,Mixed Anxiety Disorder and PTSD.

 I have been having dark thoughts in the last couple of weeks and the right people do know about this.

I have an anger tornado about my grief and I have a sadness tornado about my grief. Recently they started to merge and bad thoughts have been coming into my mind. Like I don’t know how I am possibly supposed to live out the rest of my life. Possibly 40 more years. How do I do it? Do I want to do it? Like it is now? What is keeping me here and exactly how much do I care about that? Would that be selfish of ME to contemplate my existence and what that would mean to be non existent?Why should I care if it is about me. Other people can take care of themselves.

 I mostly am exhausted. I don’t think I want to die. I think I just want all the intense emotions, energy and constantly have to fight/struggle every day to survive to just shut up. I would like to stop pretending.

 I am used to life kicking me down and dealing with heavy situations. This by far is the hardest and heaviest life event I have ever had to deal with,and the others have been pretty bad too. Life is just going to keep kicking me. That is how it has been for me.

I used to think suicide was Selfish,but now I am starting to understand more,why people come to that point.

Thank you for listening. ABC01

[ABC01]

Thank you Eagle Ray,

It is amazing how much I can understand about my grief,but not know how to build the bridges that link them to healing. And how what may have worked today, might not tomorrow.

I had a really great and satisfying day today. The first in months. I felt or understood my acceptance just a smidge more. And I am not quite sure what triggered it.But I also don’t feel good about that,the acceptance. So I guess I need to find/settle on how to balance this emotional feeling.

 I am “ridging bracing against” my difficult feelings. I know it is a double edged sword. It protects me and yet harms me at the same time. So once again,balance.

Kindness,self-love and compassion are words I need to aquatint myself with.

Thank you.

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Hi ABC01,

Yes, the bracing has a purpose. It is naturally how we protect ourselves and it makes a lot of sense. So I think viewing it as not wrong but a very understandable coping strategy is important. I think, paradoxically, it is when we understand and have kindness towards the bracing pattern, that is the beginning of it releasing, even just the tiniest amount to begin with. There is no right or wrong, nor any correct timeline for anything to do with grief. 

I understand about the mixed feelings about acceptance too. Even today I had a tussle within myself over grief and acceptance issues, oscillating between two different feelings. I am learning to kind of go with it while reminding myself to be kind and gentle with myself through the different emotions.

Best wishes,

ER

[therising]

Hi ABC01

One of the many things I appreciate about sensitive people is their ability to describe how they feel their experiences. I also appreciate the fact that there is a language which exists for reference, to help with expression. It's a shame it's not used as often as it used to be. Makes it a little harder for the younger generations. Just a handful of physical feelings that convey our emotions

• Gut-wrenching sadness: When our sadness sits in our stomach before it begins to rise
• Terrible heartache: When we feel the pain of our sadness in our chest
• All choked up: When our sadness has made it's way to our throat, ready to be expressed
• A breathtaking level of upset: When we seriously struggle to breathe through our experiences
• The weight of the world on our shoulders: When tension from the amount of stress we carry is defined as enormous

While some folk are very much in touch with their body language (how their body speaks to them through feelings or emotion), others are not so much in touch.

While I deeply appreciate many areas of study and what these areas have to offer us in the way of self understanding and guidance (such as with biology, chemistry, psychology, psychiatry etc), sometimes I think nothing beats good old fashioned body language and the ability to interpret it. Btw, in some traditional non western practices, 'gut-wrenching' can sometimes relate to an overwhelming loss of personal power. So, you could say a sense of powerlessness has a feel to it. Sometimes it can even make us sick to our stomach.

[ABC01]

Dear Eagle Ray,

It is the “Kindness” aspect that I have issues with.

 I have guilt, regret and anger towards myself about how my loved one passed,that kindness seems like the last emotion I would have towards myself and feelings. Like I don’t deserve it.

Sorry, I have had a long rough day,so my response is short.

ABC01.

[ABC01]

Dear therising,

Thank you for the exploration about what our emotions can mean or how much they can be expanded.

I have had a mentally and physically challenging day today,so I won’t write more.

But thank you. If I could be more exploratory then I already can articulate,it maybe able to explain my grief better with people who aren’t versed in it.

Thank you ,

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ABC01,

Guilt, regret and anger were all emotions I felt towards myself after my last loved one passed, so I do understand finding kindness towards yourself can be very difficult. It has taken me two and a half years to not feel those emotions so intensely. While my logical brain could come to see that I wasn't responsible, my emotional body (the best way I can put it) felt otherwise. So any memory of the lost loved one triggered all those negative emotions towards myself intensely.

I know our situations are different and every situation is unique. But I think feeling responsible when someone dies is very common. My love one died after feeling very distressed for a long time. I was her carer and I was not at all well myself, mentally or physically, yet I blamed myself for not doing more and doing better. Yet I was doing the best I could in the circumstances. Those negative emotions towards myself can still arise, but the nature of them is shifting and I am more able to have compassion towards myself now. So I hope maybe I can impart some hope that in time you will find some kindness and compassion towards yourself even if you can't feel it now.

I actually attended a grief support group for a while after my loved one's death. I had not felt the need to do this with previous losses but I did in this case as I was really struggling. I soon learned that many others were also feeling really upset and angry towards themselves with a great deal of regret following their loved one's passing. It became apparent that these emotions can be strong and persistent for people. If you can, allow yourself to be supported by others. It may take a while, but gradually the loss begins to be worked through and the intensity of feeling does start to ease, even if incrementally.

And please don't worry about the length of your reply. Only post if and when you need/want to. We are here for you whenever you do want someone to share with.

Warm wishes,

ER