When tornadoes form together.

[ABC01]

Hi,

My name is ABC01. I am not going to harm myself or others.

 I recently experienced a traumatic death and have been diagnosed with Major Depression,Mixed Anxiety Disorder and PTSD.

 I have been having dark thoughts in the last couple of weeks and the right people do know about this.

I have an anger tornado about my grief and I have a sadness tornado about my grief. Recently they started to merge and bad thoughts have been coming into my mind. Like I don’t know how I am possibly supposed to live out the rest of my life. Possibly 40 more years. How do I do it? Do I want to do it? Like it is now? What is keeping me here and exactly how much do I care about that? Would that be selfish of ME to contemplate my existence and what that would mean to be non existent?Why should I care if it is about me. Other people can take care of themselves.

 I mostly am exhausted. I don’t think I want to die. I think I just want all the intense emotions, energy and constantly have to fight/struggle every day to survive to just shut up. I would like to stop pretending.

 I am used to life kicking me down and dealing with heavy situations. This by far is the hardest and heaviest life event I have ever had to deal with,and the others have been pretty bad too. Life is just going to keep kicking me. That is how it has been for me.

I used to think suicide was Selfish,but now I am starting to understand more,why people come to that point.

Thank you for listening. ABC01

[Sophie_M]

Hello ABC01, 

Thank you so much for openly and vulnerably sharing how you feel with our community, that must have taken a lot of courage. Grief can be such a confusing and overwhelming space to be in, can’t it? Oscillating between anger and sadness is very common as we come to terms with what we have experienced. Everything you are feeling is understandable, even your thoughts of suicide. These can come up when our whole world feels destabilised, and as distressing as they are, they are also a very human response to grief and loss. 

We can see how exhausting and painful this has all been for you, so it is no wonder you are needing these bigger feelings to subside and give you a moment to breathe. It might feel this way for a little while, but one thing we can promise is that this will shift and change over time - especially with support.

To start, we would recommend calling Griefline who specialise in grief counselling:
Australia's National Grief & Loss Support Hub: Griefline

They also have some great suggestions for self-care and support groups. Perhaps you could start with keeping a very basic routine each day to create a little more grounding and balance: sleep, food, movement, and sunshine.
You may also find journaling (or something else creative, like painting or playing music) helps with processing some of these more complex feelings. 
Exploring people, places, and things that help to create a sense of safety and soothing for you right now might also help to regulate your nervous system when you’re feeling distressed.

A mental health care plan through your GP for ongoing therapy could also be really beneficial, so you can have an anchor and someone to guide you throughout this period of adjustment.

We want you to know you aren't alone in these feelings (even if it feels that way sometimes). Our community are here for you, and we hope you will receive more support from them very soon. Until then, you can contact one of our counsellors directly here:
Talk to a counsellor - Beyond Blue - Beyond Blue

Wishing you a healing and safe week ahead. 

Warm regards, 
Sophie M. 

[ABC01]

Thank you for your reply Sophie_M,

I wanted you to know I am already doing everything that you have suggested in terms of a MHP. I have a psychologist and psychiatrist and have been actively involved with Griefline. 
I am trying to stick to a regular routine. And trying to share my questions with others to get as many perspectives as I can to create a bigger picture then my own personal opinion.

I am starting to wonder if there are any answers to my questions. 
I already walk beside my Anxiety monster(instead of actively daily waging war against it), perhaps I will have to walk beside my Death monster too. I say Death instead of grief, as I have already experienced and healed around grief before. But this type of death is completely different and I am finding it exceptionally difficult to process and find pathways out through light. I am finding it incredibly difficult to even understand it or know where to start with my trauma. So maybe I will have to let it walk beside me(instead of actively seeking and trying so hard to push myself for something black and white and tangible and realistic and reasonable)in my mind. But just to have a rest. And then start again. 
Because I NEED to find answers to my questions to ever stop this despair and not have those bad thoughts.

I really do appreciate your support.

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ABC01,

I have come up against that death monster in the last couple of years. I went through multiple losses over the past decade and the final loss, plus the aftermath that followed, pushed me into new territory in terms of the level of trauma and breakdown. So I feel for you so much. It’s now more than 3 and a half years later and I hope I can encourage you by saying things are now improving. I felt the grief was going to eat me alive and I wouldn’t get through it but I am now getting through it. I relate to the anger tornado and grief tornado you describe as I was utterly consumed by both at times.

In my case, I think a mix of things finally started to help. One thing, late last year, was I started hormone medication as I hadn’t initially realised but my anxiety and depression were at another level because of the effects of late perimenopause which in my case were severe. It has actually become easier to start mobilising through the grieving process since being on this medication whereas before it felt like an unmovable mountain.

Another thing that helped was someone actually singing to me in a particular healing tradition. That may sound a bit unusual but it led to a profound spontaneous processing of my mother’s actual death which was a shock when it occurred and I hadn’t been able to process it at the time.

I also recently listened to a helpful podcast on grief on The Wellbeing Lab with Will Young, episode 20. I had listened to other podcasts on grief that didn’t really do anything, but this one somehow reached me and I felt seen and heard by it. It included discussion of difficult and disenfranchised grief where the grieving process is much harder. It is so important to be seen, heard and witnessed in your grieving experience and they talked about that.

I honestly felt like the destructive grief was never going to stop either, but it is now shifting in form. Instead of feeling like an unmovable torturous weight it is starting to come up and out of me instead. I am also processing the many issues around the grief progressively with my psychologist. Many life issues have arisen alongside the grief that are to do with long-held trauma patterns from early in life. As I work through each of these issues more of the paralysing grief gets released in terms of the hold it initially had on me.

I hope maybe that gives you some hope. I’m happy to chat further if you need or want to. Like you I was in despair that felt never ending, but I can say the despair has finally begun alleviating. The grief is always going to be there at some level, but I am integrating it now rather than it holding me in its grip, if that makes sense. I think both trauma and grief require integration and I’m experiencing that that is possible and it’s part of healing.

Take good care,

Eagle Ray

[ABC01]

Thank you Eagle Ray for your supportive response,

 I am genuinely happy to hear you are recovering in your own ways and styles. I am incredibly sorry you had to go through your experiences,but the happiness that you are slowly being set free is encouraging.

The thing I am most scared of is that it may never change. As time naturally progresses I will change,but I am scared the dark feelings will always be there in any form or another,that I will/can notice. Even if life is different.

My experience with this death has almost changed me as a person 180 degrees. I have reliazed how naive I was in the way I viewed and lived amongst the world. It has made me stop putting bandaids on everything and they have fallen off and I see now what I have always been covering up inside my own life and the people in it. It makes me hate everything more because it is so discouraging. 
And I don’t necessarily think it is a bad thing to be truly seeing what I have been ignoring when I was at least regular/happy.I can now choose what I will or won’t do in the future.
I am also scared it will take years or more to start changing and being different. It has only been 3 months and my family is already proposing pre hospital interventions,which my psychiatrist and psychologist have already said isn’t necessary.

Just sometimes the thought of not growing into an elderly person and stopping here and now is comforting when you do have to struggle everyday. I am not doing this to myself on purpose,but the issues are already dark by nature/default and my brain is only capable of working through so much,each day.

 I have been told acceptance is the only way I “will get past this or move on.” But I simply can’t accept this death. It was senseless, pointless and stole a pure soul that wouldn’t hurt another. So the word ACCEPTANCE of their death simply isn’t the right fit for my values, ethics and beliefs.

I am only at the real beginning of my grief journey.

I too have been searching online and trying to find ways to understand grief better. So thank you for your suggestions on them. I am glad your response was in depth and I can hear your experience clearly. I believe my tornadoes have slightly separated this week as I don’t feel as intensifying focused as I did when I wrote my post.

 I saw a rainbow yesterday for the first time in years,and I took a good look at it this time. It truly was magnificent that it was in the sky with the sun shining too.

But unfortunately that lasted for only a few seconds and now I am back to being overwhelmed. 

Please keep moving forward and sharing with others. Sometimes we are each other’s only hope.

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ABC01,

I am really moved by your post and I understand very well what you mean about acceptance just not feeling right and fitting with your values. I have had a few losses where I don't know that I will ever just accept them. To me it has been more a gradual processing over time. Sometimes the impact of the loss is too much to take in, in terms of what it means for you and how it impacts you, in those earlier stages of grief.

I am beginning to more fully feel and process certain grief now that was just stuck before. It is a very tender process and requires great gentleness. I spoke to my psychologist just today actually and spent four hours under a blanket on my couch afterwards just letting myself feel grief that was finally ready to move. I've been crying out in the night to people I've lost, which probably sounds awful but it is actually just the grief releasing and I am learning to be kinder and gentler to myself with this grief. A lot of anger is dissipating now as well. Perhaps a way of putting it is that the tornadoes, or perhaps for me tsunamis in terms of how they felt, are a gentler wave or wind now that I can feel but it is not destructive.

It is lovely you saw the rainbow today. They look so beautiful when the sun is out too, don't they. The fact you can see that is the spirit in you that is still there and can feel and see the magic in the world. Although that spirit may go through cycles of being buried in overwhelm, it is always still there, waiting to be able to reach into life again and feel connected to life again.

I think losses, especially really impactful ones, do change us. Things do not go on as before. I too have been seeing things I previously ignored. That was the exact topic of the discussion with my psych today. As I am now feeling what I avoided, instead of being dissociated from it, I am processing grief that is tied into deep and painful aspects of my past. It hurts, but in a tender way, instead of the initial onslaught of blatant pain that I had before. It is like I am specifically identifying and naming those things I avoided to keep safe. I've learned it is really important to do such things when you are ready. I know it is the right path for me now, so I am changed by various losses, but it is growing me as a person and I have more insight that I can apply to my own life and live more truly aligned with myself.

I hope that gives you the courage to know that through the darkness you can gain insight that actually helps you live better and aligned with your own spirit. I know that is really, really hard to see right now. I remember being in that sea of agony. But there is a deep healing that can happen and I know I am in that process now. Be really gentle with yourself and care for yourself with that same care you can feel for others. We are here to support you whenever you need it.

Sending much kindness,

Eagle Ray

[therising]

Hi ABC01

With Eagle Ray's loving, insightful and supportive words pointing to the fact that greater consciousness can be an incredibly painful journey at times, I wish you didn't have to experience so much pain. I also wish you were surrounded by people in your life who could fast track you through the challenges you face (mental, physical and soulful ones).

I think sometimes a key question can be 'How do I manage what I'm now conscious of?'. For example

• I was not conscious of how incredibly painful love and loss can be until now. How do I manage what I'm now conscious of?
• I was not conscious of how deeply depressing or anxiety inducing some challenges in life can be. How do I manage what I'm now conscious of?
• Until now, I was not conscious of all the things I'd come to suppress over time within myself, so as to not upset anyone. How do I manage what I'm now conscious of?

And the list goes on and on and on because we're always going to be waking up to something. Such is the nature of life and our personal evolution.

I think acceptance, like consciousness, can be a process. We don't suddenly accept the most challenging things in life, just as we suddenly don't fully wake up. Bit by bit, step by step can be the way. It's a slow way but a way nonetheless. Sometimes it can be about what we can and can't accept. For example, we could say 'I can't accept my friend has physically gone but I can accept that I still sense them in my life in certain ways. I can't accept the lack of compassion around me but I can accept the realisation that some folk are deeply compassionate and others aren't. I can't accept how painful this process of grief is but I can accept that I feel it deeply and I have a right to feel at this level, for this is me (a deeply feeling person)'. So, maybe, graduating to a new level of acceptance involves acknowledging 'I fully accept I am a highly sensitive person (able to sense what others can't), I am someone who recognises compassion and a lack of compassion and I am someone who is proud of the fact that I am able to feel deeply. I am now fully conscious of these things'. So, there you go, graduating to next level consciousness. On a new level of consciousness or awareness, a new level of acceptance comes. Whether it takes minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years, becoming more conscious and more accepting takes time and sometimes a heck of a lot of hard work, especially when it comes to graduating to new levels of self understanding. Being so unique, it can take time to truly get to know our self.🙂

[ABC01]

Dear Eagle Ray,

Thank you again for your response. I have found in the last few posts, the way you present things in your elocution and how you can articulate your own feelings is very soothing to me.

It is the identifying elements of your post that I am feeling solidarity and comfort. I woke up today sad and can feel the tears in my stomach,but they are not coming out of my eyes.

I believe I am still too early in the process and the impact of the loss is still very fresh and my mind goes from acceptance of reality, to how could this have possibly happened,and then back again.

Thank you again for the support. I too hid under a blanket on thursday to just be able to handle my day. At least it was a soft and warm one.

ABC01

[ABC01]

Dear the rising,

Thank you for your words of understanding.

My grief is my own and others will just have to accept it.

Your words of individuality and how all situations can’t be countered in the same way is a relief. I am sensitive and able to articulate myself and feelings well to others. They just don’t seem to understand them in the way I feel them.

I will have to think more on what you have said.

Thank you again.

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ABC01,

It is good you can identify where you are feeling your feelings, such as the tears in the stomach but not in your eyes. I know that feeling very well. I think just being aware of that is meaningful and the tears will come out when the time is ready. My psychologist has often asked me where I feel something in the body. It has been quite common for me to have difficulty finding words because of my tendency to dissociate. But little by little I am able to sense more of what I am feeling and where in the body, and I can start to name what is going on for me. I have found this has happened in conjunction with the grief beginning to move instead of being chronically stuck.

I can tell you are sensitively attuned to what you are feeling, even though those feelings are so difficult right now. So just as you feel the grief so deeply, there will be a big well of sensitive compassion inside of you for healing. I am only recently learning myself how to soften into those difficult feelings, rather than rigidly bracing against them, if that makes sense. As I allow gentleness with those feelings they actually get to be felt with kindness and a kind of healing energy gradually infiltrates and begins its work. I think there are natural healing mechanisms that unfold when the time is right and in the presence of gentle kindness.

Go gently and, yes, doing things like being restfully under a blanket can really help.

Take care,

Eagle Ray