What can I do now?

[dumbledoor]

I've been struggling with depression for 6 years (since I was 12). I made a vow 6 years ago, that I would not live to see my 18th birthday, and that day is just 1 year away.

I feel sad and tired all the time, I have no energy as getting out of the bed for school can take me over an hour on bad days. I don't eat properly, I skip lunch and breakfast nearly every day. I am also socially awkward, which is why I've always resorted to online forums as I mentally cannot speak to people about "these" things. I don't trust my parents, I keep everything from them.

From a young age, I've always wanted to be a doctor, however the last few years have proved to me that I am incapable. I cannot focus on my work, and I have spoken about ADHD to my parents but was brushed off. My mum calls me autistic, and tells my younger sister to never end up the way I am. That said, I am a Mensan if that even means anything, so I know I'm not retarded.

I have severe anxiety, which can act up at any time. This includes social anxiety, performance anxiety, situational anxiety and haphephobia. When I get panic attacks I feel suicidal. I feel like I could just impale myself on a fence.

Sometimes I see, hear and feel things. One night I was in bed, my curtain was the translucent kind. It came suddenly, I felt something watching me yet I couldn't move to turn around, I was paralysed. I felt like I was going to die, and this thing was about to burst through my window at any moment. I doubt it was sleep paralysis, because I am certain I was awake. There was a time in primary school when someone told me the stories about Bloody Mary. For months afterwards, I was seeing her bloody face everywhere, especially at night when I felt like she was creeping up on me. I was afraid to go into a room alone in case she suddenly burst out of somewhere.

Sometimes I can go into a trance, where I feel like a robot being controlled by another being. Feeling like I'm watching in third person.

I haven't told anyone about these problems, apart from some online friends who I have no real contact with and are too far to reach me. I can't talk to people, physically and mentally can't. I know it's a problem. I don't talk to people because I know they'll try to help me, which makes me feel "weak" (my mum is the cause of this problem, but I can't change it now. Its ingrained into me).

There is more I would like to write, but it won't fit.

What can I do? I don't plan to live to work. Life is a curse.

[dumbledoor]

My parents think they understand everything, but they don't. My dad thinks that restricting the wifi and blocking all the ports will stop me from gaming (which it mostly has but I usually always find a way around, and this time it's caused a security breach on the home wifi) but what he really did was take away one of my only coping methods.

My dad actually used to physically abuse me, he doesn't anymore though. My mum on the other hand is (in my opinion) always looking for way to manipulate and control me. She would talk smack smack about me, and seconds later try and "comfort" and pretend to understand what I was feeling. My parents play good cop bad cop, they would tell me how worthless I am, and moments later my mum (the "good" cop) would come and scream at my dad for yelling at me and losing his temper, and then proceed to tell me how I could one day be successful if I really tried, I could be the next youngest billionaire or something like that and how I'm actually "smart". My mum is really good at giving me hope, just when all felt lost. She would make me hopeful again despite the fact I know she didn't mean what she said. Hope is hard to kill, especially when someone gives it to you when you're literally at breaking point. During these nights, I think about running away. But you know what happens in the morning again? She starts screaming at me about how worthless I am, basically going back on everything she said the night before. She knows how to give me hope and then crush it in the most excruciating way. It's painful.

If I cry, I am called weak. If I ask my mum to take me to a therapist (which I have multiple times before) about my concentrating problems she would tell me I'm lazy, that I don't have it and if I really did a "strong" person can overcome it on their own (this is another way of calling me weak). She said the difference between successful people and regular people is because of their strength. I am according to her weak, and she's right.

I can throw tantrums at home, but as soon as I'm outside I'm afraid to even order food. I am weak because of that.

I'm not sure how much sense I'm making as I'm writing late at night after sitting at my desk trying to focus on my work for four hours.

[Aaronsis]

Hey dumbledoor

Apologies for my late reply. I have been thinking alot about your post though and how I can respond to some of the things that are happening to you, that as you quite rightly say, are not teaching you a lesson, or creating a form of punishment, but are in fact taking away your ability to cope. I can also see it from their point of view that gaming = waste of time = so that is why your studies are suffering. Once again though this is from a view of not understanding some of the reasons you to engage in the games and that is, I am assuming here, to escape, to forget, to not feel the pain of what is going on for you right now..would I be right there? I also wanted to say to you though that it would be very frustrating for them to put something in place, like restricting the wifi and them thinking that they are trying to do what is best, to have you be able to break down these restrictions and access it anyway. This is the power of communication, you letting them know why you need the gaming, why you do what you do and also sharing how you feel. The thing with feelings is that they cannot tell you that you are wrong, or that you can't feel that way, or it is not that way or this..they are your feelings and how you feel is real.

And just like that we are back at the talking part...so there are other ways to communicate with them, and the fact that things are going down paths that they need not probably means it is very much the time to help them out too, to let them know that when they do or say THIS it makes you feel like THAT...this is your reality and how you are feeling and they cannot deny that. So there is writing them a letter, there is recording something on your phone and sending it to them ( I know it is still talking but you would be talking to your phone) there is also texting and even being in the same room and having a conversation over text so that you can communicate and get out what you need to say to them.

I am so very sorry that in the past you have been physically abused by your dad, I am so very happy to hear that this does not happen anymore. That does not mean it still does not hurt.

I am wondering if you have thought about getting on the web chat with Kids Helpline, afterall, they are the professionals, they can give you some great advice and support, worth a chat to them, even to practice how to "talk" with your parents.

Here for you and hope to chat some more soon, to see if we can help ease some of the pain.

Sarah

[dumbledoor]

I actually can't get any help. I'm wondering if there is anything I can do that won't involve anyone else, much less them knowing? I can't talk to my parents because I don't know how, if I do I will strain my already broken relationship with them.

I can't talk to people because I just can't. The words will not come out, and its not limited to just talking. I can't let people know how I'm feeling, I don't know why but I just hate the fact that they would know. I talk to myself sometimes, as if there is a person with me who will listen to my thoughts. The person is often someone I know in real life, someone who I want to share my thoughts with but unable to. I can imagine amazing scenarios of myself (an alternate life maybe) where I don't have all these problems, where I am happy. It feels very real, sometimes more real than the life I am actually living in. Sometimes I won't notice I am dreaming. I hate it when these dreams end.

I don't want my parents to think me weak, to think I need to rely on a game to cope with life.

My parents already hate me, my mum has reminded me countless times how they can kick me out if they wanted.

"Don't you already understand? You're in year 11, if you don't want to study then don't, no one cares anymore."

"I want you to hurry up and fail so I can get rid of you sooner."

"I used to think you could be something great, but now I think you're lucky to work at McDonald's. Next time I see you you'll be so fat you're fat will be spilling out of your clothes" and then to my sister "you can't end up like her, I believe you will get a good job and maybe one day your sister will be asking you to borrow money."

"I can't believe that I gave birth to such a failure"

There are many many more insults, but I don't even remember them. If you asked me how my parents treat me I would probably need to think for a while, because I honestly have forgotten them. Maybe its my brain shutting out these toxic comments.

[Sophie_M]

Hello again dumbledoor, 

It looks like you have done an amazing job at expressing the situation you are in and how it is making you feel. It is such a great step to be engaging and talking here on the forums. We thought we would check-in again and see how you are going and suggest that you give the Kids Helpline, Beyond Blye or Lifeline a call. 

Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636
Kids Helpline1800 55 1800
Lifeline 13 11 14

We know it can be super tough to talk about it but it can also really help. We hope you were able to talk to someone at school about how you are feeling, they may also be able to help with when projects are due and help with some of the stress that school work can cause. 

Thank you for being brave and sharing your story on the forums and please keep us updated on how you are going if you feel comfortable.

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

 

[tranzcrybe]

It's so sad when parents 'embed' a design for who their children will become (and even sadder when it's for the purpose of enhancing their own grandeur - ie, how you are supposed to reflect us). The irony is that often these same parents do little to support and encourage the personal development by promoting individuality and confidence in their children. For you to have a solid place to fall back on when things get tough is the role all parents should assume and you are being denied this vital 'safe harbour'. I feel for your situation and would congratulate you on having self determination in the face of such torment - you are indeed stronger than you realise - and while this is such a trial for you presently, I hope it will propel you forward to discover your true and significant self in the face of such vitriol.

[dumbledoor]

If I was able to get help I would have a long time ago..

I don't talk to anyone at school. Never have and never will. The only time I will talk to someone is if I know I'll never see them again, if I know that they'll be too far away to reach me, if I know that they can't find me through someone else. I trust strangers. I don't trust family.

I feel like it's good to mention that my current school is my 9th school since Prep. I'm always moving around anyways, there's is no point in getting to know people.

[dumbledoor]

And this morning:

"Someone on your level will never understand what I'm doing." Meaning that people like me (who are seemingly addicted to gaming etc) will never reach the same level as someone like her.

[dumbledoor]

Yes. My mum has always said how could she, someone of her status give birth to someone like me.

[dumbledoor]

My dad began restricting my devices since I was 9, and all it has done is make everything worse. You'd think he would know by now, but he's stubborn.

[Sophie_M]

Hey again dumbledoor, 

It sounds like you are having a really challenging time at the moment and finding it hard to reach out for support. That is a really tough thing to be going through and we thought we could jump in here and suggest some ways you could seek help without having to talk face-to-face with someone. 

We think that Kids Helpline would be the best place for you to start but you can always give us a call as well. The people who answer the phones are friendly, understanding and kind. They can help you talk about how you are feeling even if you don't know how to start. 

Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636
Kids Helpline1800 55 1800
Lifeline 13 11 14

Thank you again dumbledoor for posting on the forums. You are always welcome here and we want to encourage you to update us on how you are going if you feel comfortable.

Kind regards,
Sophie M