Vent about life currently, feel free to read :)

[lil quirky]

Hi, lil quirky here,

I just need a place to vent and didn't know where else to go because I will probably talk about some sensitive things in here, feel free to respond, or not...

So I'm not sure where to start to be honest, ok I'm currently in year 12 at school and I am more of a practical learner, so I don't do well with school, and hence why I do not want to go to uni. Last year my dog who had been my best friend all my life, she lived over 18 years so she has still been on this planet longer than me, and I am not excited to turn 18 because of that, she passed away, we had to put her down, and words cannot describe the grief I am feeling and the guilt. Then we go a new puppy, but it was too soon for me. when my dog left us, that's the first time I ever hurt myself, I felt guilty because she could have lived more, but she had dementia and a lot of problems, so she would have been in pain and unhappy. Grief has and is hitting me hard, I have never experienced it like this, with someone so close, it hurts, it really does, and because of this grief, lately I haven't been able to concentrate in class, connect with family, I haven't been eating properly, I haven't been sleeping well (clearly because I'm writing this at like midnight), so I'm all out of wack, and it's not just the grief... school and friends have always been an escape for me, escape from home and my responsibilities of being the eldest daughter amongst 3 younger brothers. Lately, well it's gone on for a while now but I came to this school in year 10, and have an amazing group of friends, but there is one person in particular who doesn't like me, and because of that I have been left out of things, have been talked about behind my back, and I have tried so hard to connect with this person, but they don't seem to care, and I just felt worthless, so this was the second time I hurt myself. Recently, family has been hard to deal with, teenage boys suck and they don't get anything done, and the eldest gets blamed obviously, and they just don't understand you in general. And stuff has come up recently with other family stuff, so my youngest brother is actually my 4-year-old half-brother, and my ex step dad I guess, we had to deal with family violence with him and it wasn't fun, and stuff has come up where child protection services have had to step in again, I'm about to run out of words so...

Thank you for reading my vent, feel free to offer any advice you may have, vent here, or just say hi 🙂

-lil quirky

[On The Road]

Hi Quirky 👋

Just coming by to say hi.  I'm sorry to hear that your best friend 🐶 has passed away, it must've been hard for you to deal with guilt and grief, losing a longtime friend is hard, she had been with you since you were born... I guess it's a normal feeling that you feel she might stay with you a bit longer if something could've been done...   and I agree that you may need a bigger gap before you welcome a new puppy. From what you've described I assume she's the one who lived long and had a wonderful life, well taken care of by you and your family... which is to be celebrated for... 

I don't really have any advice about you and your family, it's been complicated and it is heavy for a high school student to deal with, have you talked about your concerns as the eldest child with social workers from CPS? From what I've heard they would provide a lot of support for the eldest child who sometimes acts as a carer... and have you ever reached out to Headspace? they  provide counselling services and helpful tips for young people like you 🙂 

Please feel free to have more vent here lol, you're always welcome. 

[indigo22]

Hi lil quirky,

I am so sorry to hear of your recent experiences and hope I can help you a little.

First of all the grief you are feeling for your beloved dog is totally normal and will take some time to work through but I promise that it will become less intense as you work through it. I understand you are feeling some guilt about it, it was the same for me the first time I hade to have an animal put to sleep. Please try to put in perspective that she stayed as long as she could, 18+ years is the equivalent of late 80s in human years so she lived a long life and that is probably due to the love between you both. She would not have left you by choice but her body was worn out, now she is probably watching over you and would not want you to feel guilty for your act of compassion. It is hard to give your full attention to anything when you are grieving, so let your teachers know that you are struggling a little at the moment and perhaps they will help you find a way to get through your school work and get you some help in that department.

Please don't hurt yourself anymore, you deserve better and what you are going through is not your fault. The person who does not seem to like you may be going through something you are not aware of and taking it out on you. Please don't let someone else's lack of compassion impact your self-worth. You know who you are deep inside and no one can take that away unless you let them, so don't let them. Talk to the friends who do like you and let them know how you feel about being left out.

Your situation at home also sounds difficult, but please try to remember that you are the older sibling, not the mother. It is your job to love them and help if and when you can but they are not your responsibility, they and you are your parents responsibility, so talk to your parents or parent about your struggles at the moment and ask for some help in getting through this time. There is no shame in asking for help.

Come back and vent whenever you feel overwhelmed, many of us are here to listen.

Sending you love and respect,

indigo22