TW - depression, self harm, rape
I've spiralled right down recently and I don't even know how I got to this point. My self harm has escalated, it's more frequent and worse atm.
Memories of when I was raped have been popping up in my head every other day even though it was 10yrs ago now. I don't feel comfortable getting close to anyone still even after so much time has elapsed.
I'm so emotional right now and tired... oh so tired. I've recently tapered off my psych meds as none seem to help and I don't like being medicated, plus the cost.
No one wants to be around someone who is depressed, they just see you as miserable and horrible to be around. I don't want to burden anyone with my constant low mood anyway.
I feel so very unwell mentally atm but my debilitating anxiety means I can't make phone calls so helplines are out. I couldn't even bring myself to go to the hospital today when my self harm was getting out of hand.
I see a psychologist regularly atm but she is stretched thin and often booked out and sometimes it just gets so hard to cope with anything between sessions. I'm seeing my gp next week with my psychs recommendation but she'll just put me on another antidepressant I don't want to be on.
Someone said to me today in a text that they hope I'm ok, when I said I wasn't but thank you for the message, they didn't reply. I know they said something to my boss who just went into damage control/prevention and pretended they care about my mental health but I know from past experience they don't.
I feel so lost, sad and alone and I don't know what to do.
It is in no way your fault, you feeling the way you do. It is in no way your fault that others find someone's depression 'inconvenient' or 'a downer'. These things are not your fault. It's in no way your fault that no one has yet led you to feel any differently. I think sometimes when we're being led to feel, see or understand things from a different perspective, we need to question those leading. In hindsight, I look back on a number of years where a trial of different anti depressants became so depressing, when they didn't work, and I think about the depressing ways in which we're not helped in managing that deeply depressing kind of trial and error method. 'How to strategically manage the depressing nature of all the meds that don't work' still remains a serious largely unaddressed fault in the mental health care system. The wrong chemistry (in the form of a med) is never our fault. I can understand the mantra 'Stop giving me the wrong meds, one after the other. I just don't want to keep doing this!!!'.
When I hear of survivors of rape, it hits me in the heart, every time. It is a heartbreaking crime that enrages me in so many ways. As some self entitled person refuses to take control of themself, refuses to manage themself and their own weaknesses, they leave shock, pain, grief, heartbreak and so much more in their wake. It enrages me when I think of the painful memories and the incredibly hard work a survivor has to manage in order to manage the effects of another person's weakness. The strength it takes to live beyond this is the polar opposite to such a weakness.
I think unless we're speaking to someone who can relate to the depths of depression, what we can be offered is basic compassion and guidance. While basic can be good, sometimes it's just not enough. Sometimes it's nowhere near enough and that's something that can be deeply felt. People who can relate are ones who can relate to the kind of thinking 'This is the hardest I have ever fought to stay alive and I'm becoming so incredibly exhausted'. The mental exhaustion involved in trying to manage depression, anxiety, grief, coming to know yourself in new ways and more can make you one of the hardest workers you have ever come across. There is pride in that, pride to be taken in who you're working so hard to become.