Tired

[Daisy G]

I’m so tired of life. The only reason I keep going is I’m all my kids have. Their dad cut them out if his life 3 years ago because they look like me. I’m so exhausted. My youngest has autism, I work fulltime and do work on the side and I’m just so tired. 

[Sophie_M]

Dear Daisy G,
 
Welcome back to the forum and thank you for returning to seek advice and support from our lovely forums’ community. We can hear that you are having to manage overwhelming pressure and balance multiple stressful obligations. Family and friends can be such a positive motivation to resist suicidal thoughts, we’re glad to hear your children give you this strength.
 
Even in your short post it Is clear that you love your children and that you are stiving to provide the best opportunities for them. Having these pressures whilst maintaining fulltime work and work on the side would feel understandably exhausting.
 
Can we ask if you get any time to focus on you and your own mental wellbeing? Finding a moment to listen to relaxing music, do some meditation or even just having a cuppa and a chance to unwind? It is important you make time for yourself so that you can maintain your own mental health. Is it possible to reduce some of the hours you are working, possibly with the work on the side?
 
As you haven’t mentioned engaging with any supports, we encourage you to do so, a great place to start is by discussing these concerns with your GP.
 
There are support services available for you when you are having these negative thoughts, please consider contacting Suicide Callback Service (call on 1300 659 467) or Lifeline on 13 11 14 or at Lifeline. Both services have counselors that specialize in assisting individuals experiencing suicidal thoughts.
 
We are also available anytime 24/7, we’re available via phone 1300 22 4636 or through Beyond Blue Online Chat. Beyond Blue also have a safety planning app for thoughts of suicide, please have a look: Click here for more info. You don’t have to face these thoughts and concerns on your own, we’re here for you.
 
Please always remember to contact Emergency Services on 000 if you feel unsafe or at risk.
 
Thank you again for returning to the forums and having the courage to seek support.
 
Warm regards
Sophie M

[Daisy G]

I have no family and my ex husband’s family also cut our kids out. He was abusive and our sons stood up to him for the way he spoke to me and he blamed me for that. I have 2 close friends that know the truth and know just how depressed I am. They are always checking in but live interstate. I can’t stop working as I only just cover all our expenses. I was a housewife for 21 years so I am starting my career late in life. Last week my kids and I ate toast for dinner all week. I am on antidepressants. I am just exhausted with life. But i would never do anything that would cause my sons pain. I feel empty inside. My youngest is 12 years old and needs me to be strong and a good parent. I am all my boys have and i feel sad for them that they have only me. The world sees this cheerful woman who has her act together and us super mum. in reality i feel dead inside and so lonely. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Daisy G

Just wanting to send you kindness and support. You are managing so much. I am glad you have the two close friends. Maintaining contact with supports and reaching out for help/support here and elsewhere is so important, especially in feeling less alone.

With working full time and doing additional work on the side combined with caring for and raising your boys, I can see how challenging it is factoring in self-care. Sometimes even making one small change can help. I wonder about the possibility of slightly reducing your hours somehow or whether you have sought any counselling support? Does your workplace offer any counselling services and would you feel comfortable using them? There is the option of doing a mental health care plan with your GP to see a psychologist for 10 sessions with a Medicare rebate. Of course it helps to find a psychologist/counsellor you feel comfortable with and who understands your situation.

I relate to the presenting as cheerful and acting like everything’s fine when dying inside. I think what eventually happens is the parts you’re suppressing while presenting a brave face to the world eventually surface and make themselves known. This is when you know you really need support and to be able to talk through with someone what you’re going through. It’s kind of like a pressure relief valve for everything you hold inside and don’t normally allow out. It’s ok to say I really need some help right now.

Sometimes reconnecting with something meaningful to you can help too. For example, a past hobby that you loved doing that gives you a good feeling. I know you will be pressed for time, but even giving half an hour a week to something you love and brings you peace can make a difference.

Also, sometimes just breathing and letting go inside can help. It’s amazing how much tension and stress we can hold in our bodies. Sometimes even just taking a few moments to rest your hand on your heart can be self-comforting and help to feel calmer and less overwhelmed. It’s something I’m learning to do for myself.

Take care and sending kind thoughts.

[Daisy G]

Thank you Tony for taking the time to respond, and supplying those links. 

Today is particularly hard, Christmas used to be my favourite time of the year, but this year I just have this weight on my chest, and zero feelings of joy. 

I am estranged from my own family as I was never really loved or wanted. And when my ex husband and I separated, when he cut ties with our sons, so did his family. So it’s just us. I’ve found myself with no one, just acquaintances, no real friends. Any friends I had were through my marriage, and they disappeared too with my trust of people. 

I am so very lonely. But I am terrified of opening myself up to be hurt. 

I feel sad. I loathe who I see in the mirror. I feel like I am not enough. That my sons deserve better. I feel exhausted. I am terrified if something happens and I can’t pay the mortgage. I have no backup plan. And I can feel myself running out of energy. 

I miss being part of a team. Being a wife. I loved being a wife and mother. But I also now know that my ex husband was not a very nice person, husband or father. How did I not see it? Does that mean I can’t trust my judgment? I want to be in love again, but can’t trust myself to get it right. I want to have girlfriends I can trust, who have my back, not like the ones who flirted and betrayed me with my husband. 

I want to give my sons a good male role model. To show them a healthy relationship. 

I want someone to choose me. 

Daisy 

[smallwolf]

hello.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Your love for your sons and your desire to give them a better life shows just how strong and amazing you are, even when it feels like everything is crumbling.

It's okay to feel sad and lonely—your pain is valid. Healing takes time, and trusting again will come when you're ready. You are enough, even when it’s hard to see it. I noticed that you mentioned not trusting your own judgement - things are always (?) easier to see in hindsight. And at the time you make the best decisions you can. I have made some questionable decisions (admittedly in regards to work stuff) that I wish I had handled differently. And I curse myself for being so stupid for not seeing it.  I also know that if I say this sort of thing to my psychologist, she would ask me ... what would you say to a friend who said this to you.  Guess what I am trying to say is that it is easy to be self-critical.

Please be kind to yourself; you’re doing so much. You deserve love, support, and peace, and I hope you find it in the days to come.