It hurts to much to keep going

Brokenhearted

My husband of 20 years told me in Jan 2023 that he wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore.
I suffer from extreme GAD with a lot of panic attacks, and have never been fully treated - tbh I’ve only just come to understand how bad it has been and how miserable I made our lives. I alternated between needing to control ever aspect of our lives, to refusing to get out of bed some days.

All last year I tried to fix things, but it was too late, I had pushed him so far away that the love had vanished.
He was a wonderful husband. Kind, generous, thoughtful and tolerant. But I didn’t appreciate him.

He was so unhappy, rundown and overworked for years. He took on all the financial, parenting, home burdens.

In January this year, he moved out to work on his own mental health. I tried to balance working on my own, while suddenly becoming a single parent.

I was starting to feel much better and learning to cope, and decided to ask if we could gradually try again.
Then two weeks ago I was given the bombshell - he has been seeing someone else, since March. Too scared to tell me because he knew how terribly I would react.

I don’t want to do this life without him. I am completely destroyed. I still love him with all my heart and soul.
I don’t want to hurt my girls and leave them without a mother, but most days I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. I’m scared to be alone because the thoughts and the grief are overwhelming.
He has our youngest today, taken her and the new girlfriend to his family for Christmas.
I used to easily sleep 9-10 hours a night. Now I wake at 3am and start crying and wondering if I would be better off gone as the pain is unbearable.

indigo22

Hello and welcome,

I am glad you decided to reach out to us.

I am so sorry to hear how difficult things are at present, I know that feeling of wishing to go to sleep and never wake up, the grief and overwhelm and the unbearable pain that you have described. I have been there a few times but not for quite a few years now, so things can and do get better if you are prepared to put in the effort toward recovery.

It would be unfair to your children to leave them motherless, they don't deserve to lose you. What they do deserve is a role model who can show them, by example, that when life becomes unbearable, there are always people you can reach out to and get help to get back on your feet. I am not suggesting that it's easy, because I know first hand that it isn't, but you owe it to yourself, your children and even your husband to learn from this experience and get the help you need to recover.

First things first, have you talked to your GP about how you are feeling?

It's important that you do, as your GP can assist you to find the help you need at the moment.

Talking to the helplines is also important when you are distressed, they are available 24/7 and can help you get through those painful feelings.

SuicideLine Victoria - 1300 651 251 - available 24/7 (if you are in another state, ask them for a number for your state)

Beyond Blue - 1300 224 636 - available 24/7

Lifeline - 131 114 - available 24/7

If you are in urgent need of help, please call 000.

We will be here to support you as well but we are not able to reply quickly so please consider the above advice and continue this conversation if you are comfortable doing so.

Thinking of you,

indigo

Brokenhearted

Thank you for responding. My girls are my reason for everything right now, and I know I could never, ever leave them.

Today has been so desperately awful being without them for Christmas. I had asked for him to send me photos during the day, which he said he would. But nothing.
I’ve been on antidepressants for a few years now, and my GP gave me some extra meds…which play on my mind.
I have a psychologist I was seeing earlier in the year, and saw her last week. I just don’t know if 50 minutes a fortnight will fix this.

The deeper I dig, the more I see how this anxiety has affected my entire life, and destroyed the relationship with the love of my life.

I’m not making plans to do anything - I’m actually planning a holiday in a week, and just now booked an appointment with my GP when she is back from holidays.
But today has been so, so hard.
I feel like I need more help, and that scares me.

indigo22

Hi Brokenhearted,

I’m sorry Christmas was so sad for you this year, the firsts are always hard to get through.

The only good thing that comes of it is that you know you can get through it, so hopefully the next first will be a little easier.

You know, none of us knows what will happen in the future, what if things turn out differently to what you are imagining. What if you were to get all the help you need and work on recovering as much as possible from your anxiety and life takes a turn for the better. That scenario is just as possible.

I do hear you when you say you are scared, but if you take everything one step at a time there really is nothing to fear. Don’t allow your imagination to get the better of you about what the future will be like, because you simply don’t know. It’s no different to having any other illness, you just need to do the rehabilitation to get everything working properly again.

Do you have positive things in your life, like a hobby, friends to meet for coffee or a meal? Or perhaps there is something you have always wanted to learn about and try. You may not be ready for these things right now, but keep them in your mind for when you are ready.

You are right that 50mins each fortnight won’t be enough on its own. However, if you put in some extra work between visits, call the helplines when not coping, read some books on mental health and read some of the posts here on the forums that you can relate to and interact with people who are a bit further down the road to recovery, then you will be putting yourself in a better position and will have ideas to discuss with your psych when you do see them.

There are apps available like Smiling Mind for example that may be helpful to you. You could start doing short meditations each day (even 10 – 15mins a day can make a difference). There is a company called hemi-sync that have a free meditation you can download from their website which is recorded with binaural beats which align the two brain hemispheres and make meditation easier (you will need to listen through headphones to get the benefit). I will also put a link in below to a thread that has been created by members of the community advising what tips and tricks have worked for them in managing anxiety.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/self-help-tips-for-managing-anxiety/td-p/50482

I hope this is helpful and I will be here if you want to talk more about things.

Be kind to yourself,

indigo

Brokenhearted

Thank you Indigo, your responses have been a great help.
I don’t have a lot of friends here (thanks, social anxiety) but have reached out to one to chat and catch up and will be seeing a couple of friends while I’m on holiday.
Then it’s back home to sell our house.

But getting this anxiety under control is top priority.

indigo22

Hi Brokenhearted,

I hope you have a restful holiday and enjoy catching up with your friends. Being away from your surroundings will give you a bit of respite.

Just remember to take things one step at a time and don't push yourself beyond your ability to cope when you get back. We all have our limitations when dealing with mental health issues.

Please keep in touch and let me know how things are going.

Take care,

indigo

Brokenhearted

I found some information today which indicates it’s highly possible he has been seeing this ‘new’ person since early 2023…while he was still living at home as I nursed him through his apparent mental health crisis. It may have been even longer.

I am completely in shock.
If this is the case, then everything he put me through, all the blame I took upon myself, for two years was based on lies.

indigo22

Hi Brokenhearted,

I'm sorry you are feeling so confused about things, I think I may be able to help a little with this one.

My eldest brother was married for a similar time to you and was feeling restless in his marriage and to a large degree, had fallen out of love. He met a lady at his work place and I think he realised that his marriage was no longer working, but did not do anything about it immediately. As his friendship with this lady grew, he grew further away from his wife until he decided to end his marriage. During those months, he never took things further with the lady from work and did struggle mentally with the decision. It was only after he ended his marriage that things took off with the new lady.

I am telling you this because it is a very similar scenario. You said in your first post that he had told you in Jan 2023 that he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. This could have been the time they met, but that doesn't mean that they were together then. His mental health crisis was likely because he was torn about his decision.

I think you need to talk to him about this so you are not jumping to conclusions that may not be accurate. Ask him to be honest about how the last 2 years played out so you know the facts and are not guessing. This will give you a far more stable ground to make decisions moving forward. Knowing the truth is always better than imagining what might have happened.

I know this is not easy for you and it will take time to come to terms with everything that has happened. You need to be as kind as possible to yourself right now, in all areas of your life.

Thinking of you,

indigo 🌹