The constant struggle.

[Centaured]

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

[Centaured]

I couldn't handle it anymore yester the rising, I went to hospital. My ear drum burst yesterday, but not that my ear has been draining it's providing some relief. The hospital gave me IV antibiotics and sent me home with a change in my antibiotics, ear drops and some stronger pain relief. I finally managed to sleep. They also referred me to an ENT. Who should call today with an appointment this week.

my body was telling me, Im sick, I need some help. Im glad I listened to it because I'm feeling a tiny bit of relief and hopefully this will continue.

[Centaured]

I'm so pissed off the hospital stuffed up my scripts. The pharmacy couldn't prescribe them. I'm without meds and pain relief. FFS. I'm over it I'm done. I can't handle being this sick.

[Chris_Tas]

Mate.

Suicide is not the first or last answer.

Trust me on Sunday I thought about it.

But then I reflected and thought "what will I miss if I do this" rather than "what pain am I suffering now".

I get it, it's easier said than done but it works for me and if I can help you or anyone else it's very Important to me.

[therising]

Hi Centaured

One step forward, two steps back can definitely become depressing. While it's easy to realise, while we're in a slightly better state of mind, 'The steps forward are proof of my ability to create forward momentum', not easy to believe that while things appear to be back stepping.

Definitely a tough way to learn to listen to your body, a burst eardrum. Wondering if you heard your body say to you 'I told you there was something seriously wrong'. In imagining my body could speak, I can sometimes imagine hearing it say 'What the hell are you doing to me?! How much longer do you think I'm going to support your smoking habit before I give up in exhaustion and frustration?'. Or when, with me being an emotional eater, I hear it say 'You know all that s*** you're putting into me, how long do you think I'm going to tolerate that?'. My body is rather chatty. It likes to point out all my bad habits 🙂 It's put up with a lot over the years. The fact that I'm still here points to how seriously hard it works to serve me.

Ahh, you can just feel the saboteurs in life. They do have quite a feel to them. Whether they bring us down or raise us to fury, you can feel your interaction with them. Easier said than done but when I feel the down or rise to fury, I know it's time to emotionally detach in favour of pure analysis and wonder. Can sound a little like 'Okay, now how has that person just brought me down/raised me to fury? They have not served me in the way I need to be served (like with the right prescription being filled). It is their job to serve me with the right prescription and I know this because it's in their job description. I shall wonder at them, under the circumstances'. That may sound a little like saying to the pharmacist 'I wonder why you can't/didn't give me the right prescription. Don't get me wrong, I'm a reasonable person so if you can offer me a reasonable explanation, I'm good with that. By the way, after you offer the reasons, I need you to give me the best solution under the circumstances. You understand why I need the best solution. I can't work with anything less than the best solution'.

The pure analyst in me is completely emotionally detached, which means I have to be careful at times to not come across as insulting or too blunt. Taking it back a little on the scale between feeling and pure analysis means feeling a little of what I'm saying, from the other person's point of view. Hard to master balance when led to absolute fury.

[Centaured]

I saw the ear nose and throat specialist yesterday. They said the infection will take a few weeks to clear and that can't provide anymore pain relief because of my other medications. It's so bad, someone shouldn't have to be in this much pain. I can't do anything because of the pain, I can't even sleep. It's been going on for over a week now and it's breaking me down. No sleep is making me hallucinate on top of it all. My emotions are everywhere and mentally I'm not in a good place.

[therising]

Hi Centaured

That's truly horrible, to be living with that much pain, to the point of serious sleep deprivation. That's a whole other level of pain, the kind that wakes us up or keeps us awake.

I always feel so deeply for anyone so seriously deprived of sleep. It's mind altering stuff, serious sleep deprivation. Can really mess with a person. I can relate to it based on my experiences with newborn babies. While I experienced post natal depression within already existing depression when both my kids came along, looking back I can easily say serious sleep deprivation is what contributed to the PND, on top of poor self esteem and a lot of seriously depressing people around me at the time. The main reason that led me to not try for a 3rd child was the sleep deprivation factor. That was actually the main factor. It messed with me something shocking. I had some trouble with feeding both my kids, so I barely got any sleep for weeks on end. It wasn't until some years later that I was able to see the bigger picture regarding the sleep factor. I came to realise 'Ahh, this is why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture, for interrogation purposes'. It does mess with a person's mind, wearing them down over time while also leading to hallucinations in some cases. Considering sleep is the body's way of naturally restoring energy/mental and physical function, through all those chemical processes that happen in that state, there's no chance to regain energy and full function while this restoration period's not happening. So, be careful with that internal dialogue that can come with serious sleep deprivation, such as 'I'm so lazy, so dysfunctional, so hopeless. What's the point?' etc. You're working with next to no energy, so try not to do too much until you're able to regain some sleep. Your body won't let you do much while it's in this state. Much easier said than done but try to listen to your body, not your mind.

Have you found resting in different positions to be of any help, even if it's about taking the edge off the pain? Does resting in an upright position, as opposed to lying down, make any difference at all? Sometimes, with unrelenting pain, not much makes a difference. Hoping you find something that does make a positive difference.

[Centaured]

So I finally managed some sleep. I got about 5 and a half hours. Yay. I think I just collapsed under it all but I'm glad when I woke at 6 thinking wow I slept. I did wake a lot during the night but hey sleep is sleep.

And yes sleep deprivation can lead many to episodes of depression, mania and psychosis. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. But at least your reflecting on it and acknowledging that it was hard and felt unbearable but you got through it.

I get to mtg tonight yay. I've missed it the last few weeks due to being sick and I was in hospital a fortnight ago. I bought a new deck for it last night hopefully it will be fun.

[Centaured]

Struggling with thoughts of self harm today. I'm tired of trying to stay afloat. I've tried to get in contact with my case manager but she's not available.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Centaured,

Thank you for sharing this update. We are sorry to hear that you are dealing with thoughts of self harm today, that's really hard. We're really glad you took the step to come and share this here, though. This community is here for you, and so are the Beyond Blue Support Service. 

Our team are reaching out to you privately to check in. If you wanted to reach out directly to us while your case manager is unavailable, we're here on 1300 22 4636. Some other options are our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing this here. We strongly urge you that if you feel like acting on thoughts of self harm, then this is an emergency and you should contact 000 immediately.

Thanks again for updating us, Centaured. We hope you know that you are cared for here. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Centaured]

Thanks Sophie.

I ended up self harming quite severely tho. I just got home from the hospital. I'm tired of self harming but I don't know any different, I pushed all my supports away and even ran away from my care home to self harm. I don't know if things will ever be different tbh.