The constant struggle.

[Centaured]

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

[therising]

Hi Centaured

I do now recall you having mentioned 'Magic: The Gathering' from a previous post. Sorry 'bout that. I've got a shocker of a memory at times. That's a seriously impressive collection of cards by the way. I believe, no matter how we find the magic, if it makes a difference to our experience of life, it's well worth investing in. MTG sounds like a good investment, especially in the way it brings you and your friends together. Must say, I'm stunned by the global following developed since it's beginning. A large following is often a reflection of a need that's being met. The need to escape this world at times is definitely there. I figure what better way to escape than through fantasy and the imagination. Both are powerful influences that are so undeniably appealing. Channels which the imagination can positively thrive through are an absolute must in my opinion. We can't go losing that part of us just because we've developed into adults.

I feel for you with Sunday having been such a tough day. Sounds like you're in the process of speeding up your recovery, not staying in hospital for longer than you feel you have to, while there are other things you're looking forward to making some progress with. If sleep has been what works to some degree, I think sometimes we have to listen to our body. If it's saying in some way 'Rest your mind and nervous system for a while', might be the way to go right now. It's hard to see a lot of sleep as being constructive. I hate that internal dialogue that tries to convince us otherwise.

Hoping things go well with your case worker and NDIS.

[Centaured]

Urghh I feel sick. Woke up at 1am to a ear infection. I'm dizzy, nauseous, pain down the side of my face and neck, can't chew, diminished taste, headache, chills etc. And God the pain is excruciating, I wasn't able to get back to sleep.

I couldn't get into a gp til tomorrow too....and stuff going to ED, I know what they are like there, was an 8hr wait on Sunday.

Im going to be so grumpy and sore today. Moan....

And yes MTG is amazing Ive been playing for 10 years, one of my mates at the shop has been playing for nearly 30. I saw a news article about Post Malone buying one card for $800,000 today. I barely buy the cards I want for my decks lol.

[therising]

Hi Centaured

That's horrible, the pain you're in. I hope it's eased a bit today. Hate the way that kind of pain invades all your sinuses, creating added pressure and pain. Frustrating with GP clinics these days. Just last week I tried to make a same day appointment with my GP, only to be told I'd have to wait 3 days. Tried the next place and same response. Had to shop around. Finally found one. When clinics are down a couple of doctors, makes it much harder to get an appointment. Was a basic appointment which involved me getting a work medical certificate, so I figured doesn't matter who I see as long as I meet the objective. By the way, if I was in great pain it would have been a whole other story. Great pain definitely impacts internal dialogue. Tends to set off the ranter in me, if I have to wait to see someone. I don't rant at anyone, such as the receptionist, it's basically internal ranting.

Ahh, to have that much cash to splash, $800,000. Imagine what a 1st edition full deck would be worth. If you had one, you'd be set for life. A great retirement fund. When it comes to any cards that display a form of artwork, I always envy the incredible gift of the artist. I love fantasy artwork, it's truly beautiful. Dragons, faeries and all that stuff, I love it. Sets off my imagination, taking me out of this world we live in. The gift of being able to transport someone through the work you create is something truly incredible.

[Centaured]

The pain has just increased the rising, I had another agonising night of no sleep despite being so fatigued. Also now I can't breathe and have a productive cough..yay.

I'm scared the doc won't see me because of my flu like symptoms (which may in fact be the flu, had a temperature this morning). My head feel like it's going to explode and my inner ear has been shot. And I have a very high pian tolerance due to history of self harm and living with chronic pain. If they won't see I'll just go spend a day in ED and get antibiotics and pain relief that way, I don't think I could handle much longer of this.

And I consider my magic collection an investment. Mine is probably only worth a few thousand, not much in comparison but defiantly some of the cards would go up.

And yes i love the art, I don't know where they come up for the ideas of cards and designs, it's truly breathtaking. I wish I could pain like that. But I have my own style I'm happy with anyway.

[therising]

Hi Centaured

I think if the only people who are prepared to manage the absolutely horrible unbearable pain you're experiencing are those in hospital, sounds like the way to go. Take a good book into the waiting room, so you're reading instead of waiting. I imagine it would be hard to read through the pain though. Hospital waiting rooms, grrr. The waiting can feel like a form of torture, based on how long the waiting can go for. Maybe mentioning to triage what you'd rate a 10 out of 10 pain (based on your experience), might help move things along.

If I landed in triage tomorrow and they asked me that question, one imagine you're familiar with, 'What do you rate the pain out of 10?', I'd base it on past experience. I'd even interrupt them, if they were to take my score and then simply tell me to go back out into the waiting room. I'd interrupt their simple direction toward the waiting room with something like 'I don't think you understand. I've just given you a 9. What I'd rate a 10, based on my experience is

• childbirth
• a ruptured fallopian tube with internal bleeding, due to an ectopic pregnancy and
• a seriously inflamed gallbladder with several gallstones which led to emergency surgery

so If I'm telling you this is a 9, how long should I really be waiting out there?'. Centaured, if your pain threshold is high, don't hold back on giving them examples of how high it actually is, if you end up going into the hospital. It'll point to something being seriously wrong, requiring urgent attention. Even if the urgent attention is (for a start) some form of pain relief, this sounds like the priority. Triage is it. That's where you gotta sell it and get their attention. Do not be brave or a martyr in triage, as this doesn't get us anywhere fast. Have learned that the hard way.

I'm hoping it's all as simple as your GP seeing you and you don't have to go into the hospital. The fact you're finding it hard to breath is something that also requires urgent attention.

With the artistic aspect, everyone has their own style. I believe there are styles that speak to our heart, styles that speak to our soul, ones that speak to our imagination, those that speak to the analyst in us or the part of us that simply loves colour and so on. To be able to 'hear' what is spoken with each style, through our feelings, is one of the things that makes feeling such a beautiful and deeply impacting thing at times.

Hoping you progress quickly with that pain relief 🙂

[Centaured]

The rising, I ended up just going to the GP. Got some antibiotics, some ear drops and some medium pain relief. Good outcome I think. I managed to get a bit of sleep last night to start with. And the cold is starting to easy, breathing is a bit better and the cough not intense. I just really hate being sick, especially since it happened in a long time.

Hope you are feeling ok therising.

[Chris_Tas]

Mate, I'm in no position or qualifications to advise.

Would you like my advice as a fellow community member, that understands feeling suicidal?

[therising]

Hi Centaured

I'm glad you're experiencing some relief. Pain and sleep deprivation are such energy zappers. When pain is all we can focus on, hard to focus on any positives going on around us, offering a bit of a boost.

Myself, not doing too badly. Longing to get out of a lot of bad habits while experiencing a questionable lack of motivation. Hard to begin generating more energy when that requires energy I just can't feel at the moment. Something tells me 'Water. Start with drinking more water, as simple as that'. It's true, it's simple and a good start. I can feel every cell in my body screaming out for greater hydration. They say every cell's it's own little power station and doesn't function the best without water. The other thing that also comes to mind is 'Time to start researching skills for greater self discipline'. Perhaps it's time to become a disciple of structured motivation.

[Centaured]

Chris I always appreciate your advice.

Therising. Structure can be highly valuable, whether it's for motivation to get up in the morning or developing a sleep routine to help us get better night's sleep. When I was working with an OT we worked a lot on structure and routine.

And agreed hydration is a simple thing to start with, you could even add it into the structure of your day.

Im trying not to let my ear infection get me down. But pain is debilitating and I can't even sleep. Sigh, I know I'm moaning about this but when the physical state decline so can the mental. I'm trying to stay strong but it's hard.

[therising]

Hi Centaured

You've sealed the deal. I'm now making a deal with myself about introducing that much needed structure. Your guidance and encouragement is much appreciated.

Sounds like a strange question, I know, but are you're hands doing anything to try and relieve the pain in any way? The body is so incredibly intelligent. They say it has it's own natural intelligence. It'll naturally tend to do what needs doing. A headache: It'll naturally raise out hands to the point that needs some form of massage, relief. Carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders: We can find our hands rising to meet our shoulders, giving the muscles a bit of a squeeze, for relief. Thing is...we might just do a couple of 'handy' squeezes before going off to pay someone else, a masseuse, to do the rest of the work. Feeling a bit stiff after getting out of bed in the morning: The body will naturally work to stretch things out. Hence the early morning stretching we do, perhaps without even realising. Can recall saying to my husband on a few occasions 'Why do you stop at one single stretch when you get out of bed? Why not continue for 5 minutes and make is a 5 minute routine?'. There you go, there's one of those routines worth working on. He's said 'No' and 'I don't have time' and 'There's no point' yet he'll go on to complain how stiff he feels throughout the day and how 'old' he's getting, with all his aches and pains. By the way, he's only 55. I forgot about routine stretching. I used to do it every morning, not in the way of yoga, just a freestyle kind of stretching. If our muscles start to naturally contract a little as we get older, nothing beats stretching out that level of contraction. Happy muscles 🙂

Do you get a sense of what your body's telling you? Maybe what comes to mind is simply 'Rest, take care, get better and be kind to yourself in the process'. If that's it, sounds like good advice.