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Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi everyone,

This is not an easy thread to make but I'm doing it because I think it's important.

I can see that you're all hurting and I know because I'm hurting too. Right now I'm in an easier place but it wasn't that long ago where I wasn't. Often we can find lots of reasons why we don't want to be here, and very few reasons that we do. So I'm making this post to bring everyone together to either find reasons to stay or show me why you've stayed. I don't care whether they are small or big reasons. They are reasons.

Please feel free to post below because I want to hear yours, and I want this to be a thread where people who come here can grab onto a reason too.

The reasons why I chose to stay -

- My dogs.

- Planning to die was very complicated.

- I wanted to hold on just in case things got a little bit better.

and now, I'm glad that I stayed. Please know that while suicide will end the pain, it will end your life too - so you'll say goodbye to any opportunities that things might get better. Opportunities for laughter, joy and beautiful memories. Sometimes it's about staying with the pain and finding other ways to let go of it without saying goodbye to our life.

707 Replies 707

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

My higher power keeps me here.

The aa gd of our understanding

Not a spiritual, or religious power, but just knowing there's more than my brain and heart.

I feel that life isn't worth living but I could be wrong

Community Member

Thanks Croix and Sleepy....

actually Croix, you were lucky to live in a room..we had to live in corridor!!

"corridor? I used to dream of living in a corridor..we had to live in a rain water tank on a rubbish tip" ********

Without revealing too much about myself I hope, I had better tell you my "bowling club" awarded me an honour,; I knew you would be pleased for me...came out of the blue but was good to receive.

I appreciate the kindness offered to me here, especially from Sophie whose help lifted my spirits somewhat.

Sleepy just saying you "get" my original post helps considerably too....that's all it takes. Why did I have to resort to an anonymous forum to receive just this response.."I get you" ??? It would be nice if I could get that feedback from friends or family....but no one close to me ever mentions my grief experience, or asks how I am going along the journey?

It seems impossible to be able to suddenly bring it up during a conversation about something else. what am I supposed to do? Interrupt and say "by the way I'd like to talk about the death of my partner now, and how I coped/am coping/or not coping with the grief process"......

it seems the impossible conversation to have with a friend. His birthday is coming up and I mentioned it casually in passing while chatting to my sister. she said "Oh, how old would he have been this year?"...then "How long since he died is it now?".....that's all. I understand as she is quite a bit older than me, from a generation who never discussed feelings, emotions or said I Love You etc....I am so glad I had such different life experiences that enables me to do this.

Croix re my son....this one is a "glass half full"person. Wish I had that knack!. i think this attitude has played a part in his having already lived an extremely full life, travelled to many countries over the world, has deep genuine relationships with his friends, adores the work and activities he does, has a beautiful high achieving woman who loves him .....and tries his best to jerk me back into life. He seems afraid of nothing! I pray life continues to repay him for his love of it!!

Dearest Moon,

I echo what all the wise ppl here have said about you. You are wise too and a lovely woman... yes you are 🙂 i understand the feelings of invisible. I like it though, i have always hated attention. But i do get what you are saying. And re your partner and his passing and all it has left you feeling... we are here for you Moon. It sounds 'normal' given you are so kind, loving and such a deep thinker. Of course you will be feeling and thinking so much. There is no end to it. But that is one of the things that makes you special. I lost my pet last year and today is an anniversary day. Ppl say get another one, but it is deeper than that. I struggle going on without her. I relate to your words so much of how do we go on without them (your partner, my pet) and the crossing over. I'm starting to see it as an end to the pain/ grief. I am safe just so bb know. But it is unbearable to live without her. I thank you for sharing Moon and hope you know that you connect with a lot of us here. I hope that you find ways to make things a bit lighter each day. Kind wishes to you today and always xoxo

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Over the decades of my adult life, those thoughts & feelings, which were so strong during my teenage years, have dwindled down. No longer a raging fire, just an unseasonable warmth in the basement. I have a dim awareness of it, way in the background.

Sure there were times when the fire flared up again.

I'd think about another attempt, just because I hurt so much, & could not imagine living with the pain & other emotions (I hadn't named yet). What kept me going was an idea that I had to wait for the 'right time' or 'permission' - I can't explain.

I didn't act because I don't tend to act. I am quite passive. If something was to happen to me, then so be it, I thought, but I could actively do very little.

People I've heard say, someone is a coward for doing, but I felt a coward for NOT doing , but continuing to accept & obey that thought in my mind that I must wait.


Looking back, I see I was angry at having these thoughts & feelings, because some people hurt me so much.

If I was to act upon the ideas in my mind, it would be in retaliation, at them, & for how I felt - about how I had reacted. I was angry at my own reactions to being hurt.

If I attempted to, I would only, really, be hurting myself more.

Somewhere along the way, I rejected having been hurt so much & being so angry, as any sort of valid reason for taking my own life. If I was to do that - they would have had the ultimate power over me.

This is where I am now, & why I am still here, with my aches & pains, feelings, thoughts heading towards my next decade, two or three(? who knows?), neither suicidal nor exactly embracing life. Still getting through, not much invested in my own life, but trying to take more of an interest, & more care of it.


Thanks mmMekitty for expressing and sharing that. It is similar for me to with being passive etc you wrote it so well. Thank you 🙂

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Thank you, Golden82,

I lost my pet, the cat of my avatar, Mekitty, some years ago, but I still have days when missing her overwhelms me & I can think of little else. These days are not so often, now, & are not so intense either. I know these times are brief & I will be feeling better soon. I just let them be what they are, allow myself to feel the loss of her again, think more deliberately about the things I lovd, the funny, adorable, & even irritating things I loved.

I had people also tell ask me if I would be getting another cat, or suggesting I should, & saying you can get another one, as if another would be an exact replacement for Mekitty, an individual, as much as you or I. If I did feel I could take on the care & responsibility for another cat, that would be another cat, with their own personality & little behaviours, too. I'm also not quite the same as I was, either, my own health & eyesight having deteriorated, so to have another cat would be a major decision.

She was a unique part of my life - irreplaceable. I think I still love her all the more since realising that.

& yes, if I'd been so down as to feel like not being here, she would have been a very good reason to stay: because I needed what she seemed to be giving me, the purring, the affection, the greeting, the waking me in the morning,, because she needed food, her eagerness for our little games, the little chats we had, coming to me when I called, or made a clicking with my fingernails, her (limited) acceptance of my cuddles, & holding, which were all such a comfort to me. Without knowing, she kept me coming back for more.


Hi all, I'm truly sorry for Ur losses, it is so hard to hear ppl tell u to get another cat!

I relate.

I didn't know I could feel as bad as I do now, and yet the worse I feel the harder it gets to speak about it, I guess shame and fear of being rejected or not being pleasant to talk to, if i share a very deep abyss which is the reality I live with

To go back to why I stay...I have moments where I feel someone can hold my pain and see q bigger picture....that it will pass.

And like a higher power, I sort of accept I could be wrong about pain and it's permanence.

A few ppl have told me I won't feel 5his way forever

Sometimes I don't believe it, sometimes I do.

Yes, Sleepy, it is sometimes not possible to believe the depths of our dispair, pain & sorrow will ever get any better, while we are in the centre of it. That's why it is very important to notice, even make a record of when the feelings do get better, noting they do, each time they do, & with that evidence, you can accept 'things will get better' & 'this won't last forever', at least in your head, if not in your heart.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️to keep you here. In case no one has told you lately, you are worth having around.😸


Hi all

I'm grateful for you all.

Staying here is hard.

Things have gone so badly and I've lost any hope for my future

I feel like words can't describe that feeling, it's endless and awful

I stay because I don't know what 3lse to do, it's all I know to do

I find little goals to work on but I don't anymore find that makaz up for an overall lack of point or meaning in my life

I live for bonds, connections and relationships with other ppl

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Moon~

"A WHOLE rain-water tank! Luxury, sheer luxury! Why, we had to live in cardboard box ..."

I think from the foregoing you must agree at least to some extent with the point I was trying to make. I do know with Mrs C there is so much humor and fun we would miss out on if we were not close in age, as well as like attitudes from similar life experiences.

I'm delighted the bowling club awarded you an honor. Not only is it great to have yur talents appreciated but implies, at least to me, you are still mixed up and interacting wiht that group.

You have such a rich knowledge of bowling identified and events you really might consider passing all that on, especially from your unique viewpoint.

Your son sounds a lovely person, and I'm glad he is in your life. Even if you do not confide everything in him I'm sure he would lift your spirits just in normal chat.

Here of course, where the pen is mightier than the bowling ball, you do have people who care and listen. - and respond.

"The clouds were drifting over the moon at their giddiest speed, at one time wholly obscuring her, then suffering her to burst forth in full splendor and shed her light on all the objects around"