Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi everyone,

This is not an easy thread to make but I'm doing it because I think it's important.

I can see that you're all hurting and I know because I'm hurting too. Right now I'm in an easier place but it wasn't that long ago where I wasn't. Often we can find lots of reasons why we don't want to be here, and very few reasons that we do. So I'm making this post to bring everyone together to either find reasons to stay or show me why you've stayed. I don't care whether they are small or big reasons. They are reasons.

Please feel free to post below because I want to hear yours, and I want this to be a thread where people who come here can grab onto a reason too.

The reasons why I chose to stay -

- My dogs.

- Planning to die was very complicated.

- I wanted to hold on just in case things got a little bit better.

and now, I'm glad that I stayed. Please know that while suicide will end the pain, it will end your life too - so you'll say goodbye to any opportunities that things might get better. Opportunities for laughter, joy and beautiful memories. Sometimes it's about staying with the pain and finding other ways to let go of it without saying goodbye to our life.

[Hope4tomorrow]

What keeps me alive? Sometimes, it's many, many things, a seemingly endless amount of things; i just see beauty in all that life has to offer... The crimson afternoon sun brushing everything a light golden amber, children giggling, animals, bushwalking through scenery that makes all my angst disolve for a while due to birds calling, bee's buzzing, wind rustling tree branches, the pain a 2nd sibling suicide would do to my already wounded parents and sister, fear of ceasing to exist, heck even through the cruelty of others because it reminds me that they have emotions (and hurt) and that that is what makes them human. Not robots but humans in all our glory for better or for worse.

Then there's times like now where I wonder why I carry on. Sometimes it feels like even through surviving through so much over the years, that it's been for not enough return. I understand how selfish that this may sound, but only a comment like this is something that a person or people on this site could understand.

I am grateful for aspects of my life even if I continually watch others achieve what I am unable to, to date. Even if our government doesnt want to acknowledge the life long issues that I've had/in the form of a pension as much as I hate to write it. I hate having the issues that I have. All I can do is have acceptance around it all. It doesn't fix things but it does allow me to breathe in once more. And again, then again. All the while, longing for the sound of a child laughing, that beam of afternoon light hitting the surrounds of an afternoon walk, laughter with friends, that fleeting moment of self-acceptance that comes and then leaves shortly after.

My grandpa used to say to my mother " you know ______ ..., life is strange". His favourite philosopher was Voltaire. Not surprising considering these words. I have come to a place where I realise that they couldn't be truer, to me. ✌

[mmmiguess]

What keeps me here is the fact I have some of the most amazing people counting on me. It's also the reason why I want to die. It keeps it all in balance. I crave death, but... in equal amounts people want me here. My friends would be fine without me as would my family. They just have a preference for me to be here. It's so painful just to exist. For me living is a sacrificial thing. It's altruistic. I hate living. More than anything I want to go. I know all these people love their lives and messing that up for them would be so very selfish.

That's why I stay alive. I'm a character in their stories.

[Beno50]

my son has kept me here, so far. but it is getting harder and harder. I have been starting to come up with a plan to take the pain away. I don't care about anyone else and what they will go through when I am gone, I just want to be with my dad.

[Ggrand]

Hello, Beno, mmmiguess, Hope4tomorrow, yva, and everyone..

My story from 4days ago, I was sitting on the edge of a lookout with a beautiful view. I sat there for over an hour contemplating what I should do, I was hurting so very badly and wanted that hurt to go away, so I stood on a number of occasions and just looked at the trees, the birds flying around the blue sky with white puffy, fluffy clouds, looking at them changing shape, realising that every second things change they are never the same....Neither are we the same, our emotions change constantly... thats when I decided to ring Mental Health Helpline...

I spoke to the very caring girl on their for over an hour, then decided that I couldn’t do what I set out to do because, that lovely caring girl would for the rest of her life be asking herself questions, and blaming herself....I couldn’t do that to her..It’s the same with our children, family and friends, the devastation of loosing you/ me the constant questions they will ask themselves, the constant blaming of themselves for not knowing how sick you are/were...please let them or someone know...

No this not the way to end our pain, because our pain will continue to live with them. and that could cause them to do what we are/were thinking of doing....

I believe that there is something around the corner, something better then know, I think we all should believe that..we all have hope in us, and hope is the strongest emotion that there is..So please find it, dig really deep inside yourselves and find it as I have, then use that hope to drag yourselves back up to seek out what is around that corner...I know that it is waiting for us to find it and it will be a better life then we have now...

Come on try as hard as you all can go reach out and grab hold of my hands other peoples hands and let’s find it together, with this wonderful Beyond Blue forum and these absolutely wonderful, beautiful, caring and compassionate people here we will find it...

Never give up..ever..

Grandy....🕊 peace is out there lets all find it...

[Guest8901]

If it were not for the fact that I am responsible for a loved one's wellbeing, I would not be here. As sole carer for my seriously ill husband, I'm needed. When he goes, I dont know what I will have left.

Grandy, what a great post. With my thoughts seemingly heading in this direction a lot lately, the timing of your post is very opportune. Reading your post has enabled me to see past my immediate pain. And to accept that, just maybe, there is a brighter future.

Thank you Grandy, and also the other contributors to this thread.

As hard as it seems sometimes, we should never give up, and always retain a thread of hope.

Amanda 💕

[Squirrellesque]

Because somewhere along the line, I learned how to make people smile

And when I remember how, I can't leave them, because they need me.

And because I'm worth something. Because they're worth something to me.

And all it takes? A smile. 🙂

[Jijifan]

People (the "support" system) acted forcefully (with authority) and pretended they care, and kept me here. That was literally it. Other than for the principle of the thing, I don't even know why they bothered, really! In fact, I should be angry at them, and I was. .. I still am, in a way...

Now I have a newfound perspective and appreciation for life that isn't helping me fit in any better than my previous state of mind had. I still don't see a meaning in living, but I don't have the courage now to end my life. I love my body, with all its faults (I mean that literally, as a living entity), but I feel that my mind just can't go on -- it's taken all that it can, and it's filled to the brim with all those experiences; it yearns for eternal rest.

I guess the one thing that would be best, and my wish, is if I could give my life to save another young one, or many -- but not through science/medicine (stuff their industry and hidden agendas), rather naturally and directly.

[Geoff_F]

The pain I would leave behind to those who care for me

[Boobella]

What keeps me here? One thing. I don't want to destroy my daughter's life. So I wait. I wonder how old she needs to be to have no mother. I have no mother, by choice, not death, and have not had one since about the age of 25. But having no mother kills me, even the emotionally abusive one I had was better than none at all. So I guess no age is good to lose your mother. So I keep waiting.

[Dgf26]

I really don't know why I'm still here.... my safety plan is distinctly lacking in details. I have 2 small girls that would miss me but everyone and everything else would be fine without me. Struggle to find a reason every hour of every day and I'm tired of it. ( Jeez this stuff is hard to write)