Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

romantic_thi3f · ‎23-03-2018

Hi everyone,

This is not an easy thread to make but I'm doing it because I think it's important.

I can see that you're all hurting and I know because I'm hurting too. Right now I'm in an easier place but it wasn't that long ago where I wasn't. Often we can find lots of reasons why we don't want to be here, and very few reasons that we do. So I'm making this post to bring everyone together to either find reasons to stay or show me why you've stayed. I don't care whether they are small or big reasons. They are reasons.

Please feel free to post below because I want to hear yours, and I want this to be a thread where people who come here can grab onto a reason too.

The reasons why I chose to stay -

- My dogs.

- Planning to die was very complicated.

- I wanted to hold on just in case things got a little bit better.

and now, I'm glad that I stayed. Please know that while suicide will end the pain, it will end your life too - so you'll say goodbye to any opportunities that things might get better. Opportunities for laughter, joy and beautiful memories. Sometimes it's about staying with the pain and finding other ways to let go of it without saying goodbye to our life.

HamSolo01 · ‎23-03-2018

Hey romantic_theif

Your post could not have come at a better time for me

A little over two weeks ago I checked into hospital because I was feeling very suicidal. I got better and came out and made some more improvements in my life.

Yesterday and today however I have been pretty negative. I have felt very depressed and sad and lonely. Loneliness is creeping up on me a lot lately. So I wanted to check and see why so I came onto forums to have a look. I saw this post and loved it.

I think it's a great idea to make one like this.

The reasons I stay:

- family and friends would be devastated (even if my depressive mind tries to say otherwise)

- I would miss out on the rest of my life and I still have so much more to do and see

- it's a permanent solution for a temporary problem

Recently an old school friend of my younger sister suicided. Everyone was shocked. It seems that that along with other circumstances in life have led to a point now where I see that life is fragile and can be taken away so why do it myself.

I often think I don't fit in with my own generation at the age of 24 but then I remember that I conquered suicide. Twice. Part of me thinks that third time is the charm and then after that I will be truly free from this burden of depression. Who knows.

There is a great poem I sometimes remember. I want to share some of it

"The soul, denied its divine heritage in life, won't find rest in Hades either.

But if what is holy to me, the poem. That rests in my heart, succeeds.
Then welcome, silent world of shadows! Once I'll have. Lived like the gods, and no more is needed."

Thanks again for your post because it cheered me up 🙂 great idea for a thread.

Thank you for your post.

singing_the_blues · ‎23-03-2018

Hi I am the same the will to live is a powerful thing even if your in the ICU on a respirator as I have been ,all my life I have been dogged by the idea of suicide considering my Father did it and his father did it I thought I was cursed taking into account extreme depression and other traumas ,late last year after 20 years of no contact with any family members the police came to my door asking me to ring my sister in-law ,id forgotten I even had one ,they gave me her number and I rang my mother had passed away pretty soon I was on the phone to my brother my sister who had been trying to find me ,some had assumed I was dead ,we had about a week and a half to get re-aquainted mainly my sister and I she came and got me to spend a week with all the family as they arrived with new family's ,it wasn't easy but I made it through it I wasn't in a personal mess like a few years befor ,to cut a long story short standing beside my sister and brother at the funeral of our mother was probably the most importent thing I have ever done when my sister buckeled after looking after our mother for the last six mounths of her life I was able to hold her up as we stood in the belting down sun ,there was my answer ,this is what its all been for not any job title or amount of money any one has made but to support on another ,I havent heard much from my brother but my sister and I are as close as we used to be and have put all the past behind us .im sure my brther and I will catch up when we can we are all older and wiser now ,so its about you just dont know what is around the corner in life ,yes i struggle every day and some times i want out but I so glad I was alive to stand with them you just dont know whats around the corner in life even if it takes 20 years to manifest ,and even though my own life seems not worth living some times it is worth it so Im going to keep holding on as long as I can ,this is all new how could I do that to them now I cant i didnt know this only a few mounths ago

The_Cosmos · ‎24-03-2018

Hey romantic_thi3f,

Whenever I feel like ending everything, I tell myself that suicide does not end the pain, it just transfer it to someone else. How could I inflict so much suffering on the people who cares about me. But most of time, I keep on going, telling myself, tomorrow will be a better day 🙂 And life has to be so much more than the pain I'm holding right now.

The Cosmos

white knight · ‎28-03-2018

Hi Romantic thief and readers

Wow, what great responses. So many times over the last 4 years I've hesitated typing the word "suicide". It's still a forbidden word for many of us. My brother did, my uncle did, and I wanted to in 1996.

I recall the sentence I muttered to myself that stopped me "better to be a part time dad than no dad at all". For a moment I thought of members of my family in the form of two girls a 7 and 4 yo. I left that home of emotional abuse and rebounded.

Last June I walked the eldest daughter down the aisle, she is 28yo. Had I carried through who would have done that deed? not her dad!. It was a great day.

As stated you don't know what is around the corner. How tough life can be it has its wonderful moments worth living for.

Singing the blues- you are right, those connections to family and friends can mean the world to us. For me its giving to others that filled a gap in my life from 1996 onwards. To send poems to victims of crime, to answer people desperate for answers on this forum....it fills that void, it gives value to my life.

Thankyou RT for a tremendously important topic.

Tony WK

Croix · ‎28-03-2018

Dear Romantic_thi3f~
I’m glad other people are responding in this thread, I think it an important question.

I posted this the other day to someone else but thought it might fit here in your thread too. I hope it rings a bell with someone. My apologies for the repetition.

One reason I had that kept me going was I found I did not know myself as well as I thought. I was I was convinced my life was meaningless, it was not going to work out, the problems were built into me, they were my failures and so could not get better. I was full of pain, exhaustion, grief and despair. My circumstances looked irrecoverable.

Then I was surprised.

I had been seriously planning on taking my life, not the first time true, but looking back I think I might have gone on, I had the means. Then I heard a comedian I'd liked before on the TV in the next room tell a long involved joke about false teeth and I chuckled. I was startled as I had no idea I had that capability left. A complete surprise.

The incident helped me in a couple of ways, the joke itself kept coming back, trying to nudge out other thoughts, and perhaps more importantly I realized I did not know all about me, and that raised possibility my world was not as closed as I'd believed.

Later after time therapy and other things I came to look back and saw how insidious depression was, how it counterfeited my thoughts, fooled me completely. I was going to base my actions on this false view of the world.

Croix

PamelaR · ‎28-03-2018

Hi Romantic_thi3f

Your thread is so good! Thank you for starting it, it may help some people out there. I guess that's the purpose of the forums and these types of thread.

My own experience was many years ago, during my 20s when I was married to my first husband. I just wanted to get out of my circumstances, but also be noted as a person, a human being. I can't say the thought has never been with me since then, but I think that what keeps me from contemplating it further is:

my wonderful partner of 37 years. He'd be totally devastated and confused. He is getting old and needs someone to be there for the remaining years, as do I.
my wonderful felines. Both are so attentive, giving loads of love and chastising when I have done the right and wrong thing. They would both be horrified, mortified and fret should I not be around any longer.
life is full of joyous things. Especially nature which I love tremendously.
my friends would be completely perplexed. I have never displayed any 'suicidal tendencies' to them. My friends are lovely, caring and supportive.

So these help me to grasp onto life and everything it has to put forward. No matter how hard it becomes.

Thanks once again for starting this thread.

PamelaR

Quercus · ‎29-03-2018

Thanks RT,

I needed this outlet tonight too.

What keeps me here?

My children. Even when they drive me batty. I shamelessly guilt myself with statistics. That kids who have a parent who suicided have a higher risk of suicide themselves. It keeps me here even when I'm locked in the toilet to escape from them.
My husband. I love him. It's that simple. If I wasn't here I wouldn't get to hear him call me a mega toad ever again. And that makes me want to stick around.
That suicide solves nothing. The hurt just gets passed on. From me to those I love. More guilt. More questions. More pain.
Because like Croix said there are surprising moments. Like my daughter wearing bunny ears when we did the school pickup and all the older kids saying hello Easter Bunny and making her giggle. Moments I never want to miss.

So even if I feel crap. Even if the thoughts keep returning I can shrug and say ah well just thoughts. Doesn't mean I have to take action. Just thoughts based on pain.

Thankyou RT.

ursaic · ‎08-04-2018

There are more pets than people who still care, but both are the only things keeping me here.

I wish life could be more than just treading water, but it's keeping me alive for now.

IsaJett · ‎08-04-2018

Hi All

I am here because I went through hell and suffered immensely. I almost didn't think i make it out alive. So to be here today after about two years ...I want to ensure that I can share my stories and things I have learned through it all and so other people don't have to suffer like I did. I felt alone back then and that the walls were closing in on me back then so I don't want anyone to feel that they are alone. And that is why I am here to hopefully make a difference to someone's life.