Suicidal constantly

[Chris_Tas]

Hi all.

Like others I think of suicide basically constantly.

It's like a someone whispering in me ear that I can't stop as my life otherwise is (mostly) ok.

I told my parents again but they just said Im an attention seeker that using it as an excuse not to work.

That is far from the trust as when I tell them I'm suicidal they laugh and then get angry.

It's so difficult as it makes my suicidal thoughts worse but they seem completely oblivious.

Anyway stay safe all.

Chris

[Chris_Tas]

Get help if suicidal.

• Don't wait

[therising]

Hi Chris

Wondering if your parents have always been challenging in ways and wondering whether you've felt the psych ward stays helping make a difference. Have you met anyone there, on those 3 occasions, who was outstanding in their approach to you? No need to answer if you don't want to.

[Chris_Tas]

Hi all.

I sincerely apologise for my rambling. I get very upset and sort of lose the plot I bit.

Every single poster in this and my depression thread I value extremely highly and that's why I try not to single out - please don't think it's because I'm being rude, far from it as it's all taken on board.

TheRising my support in Psych Ward outstanding. I felt respected and truly valued as a human being - not a failed, idiot drunk as I hear daily.

My parents gave me a great upbringing hence very lucky to have an excellent education.

However they simply do not understand depression or suide. Like at all, talking a different language hence why as much as I hate being in hospital, I actually feel much safer and valued as a person whilst being treated by people that don't even know me.

It's amazing the vast majority do to help people and I'm very grateful for that support.

Chris

[Chris_Tas]

One thing I will say is even if you know you aren't coping, which I barely am, is that professionals in the industry DO know.

I used to think nah I know best but really that was naive and frankly, stupid.

Parents and family are not trained in this area and it's become very stark to me on how fantastic someone who doesn't know me can be so generous in their support (yes it's their job but it's not the point) yet those close to you can be so abusive and nasty.

I guess I'll never understand it but maybe that's just what it is and I need to find a way through this. (yes I'm an alcoholic with depression - I don't pretend I'm not)

[Petal22]

Hi Chris,

We would never think you are being rude, we are happy to support you.

I’m glad the psych ward has treated you well.

Im sorry that your parents don’t understand some don’t understand, I think people who have never been through mental health don’t understand the true suffering off the one going through it, we can only hope that they support us with no judgment.

[Chris_Tas]

Hi Petal.

"True suffering" is good words.

I honestly feel others don't understand unless felt it (or close to it)

My feelings are completely overwhelming. Yes, completely or I'd do something silly.

Thank you to everyone once again as this support is very much appreciated.

Chris

[therising]

Hi Chris

I'm so glad you've got people who recognise your true value and your struggle. Whether they be professional or coming from a place of personal experience, I believe it's important to have a variety of people who can relate in different ways.

For some people, I think it's a matter of them not believing depression's 'real' until they've felt it and heard it for themself. It's definitely something you feel, especially when you're in the depths of it. Nothing compares to the feeling of complete and utter despair. With it being something that you hear, that internal dialogue can be so brutal. In looking back at the years I'd spent in depression, if I had to think up a comparison to what it was like - to some degree I'd say it's like you have some horrible little creature perched upon your shoulder, regularly whispering cruel and horrible things into your ear. At the same time, it secures in place around your neck a long dark cloak and pinned to this cloak are little labels that come to be attached over time. The labels are terrible. They read stuff like hopeless, pathetic, loser, will never amount to anything and more, so much more. And it's like you wear this cloak, every day, believing in all the labels, believing that's who you are. Then there are the times where you make a misstep or a mistake and that little creature called depression says 'I told you you're stupid. See, here's proof!' and another label gets added to what you wear. The cloak of depression can become so heavy Chris. What I wish to add is...when that creature called depression disintegrates, in one way or another, and that clock finally falls to the ground, you won't know yourself. The challenge to discover who you truly are begins. It's my wish that this time for you is just around the corner.

I believe we're lucky to live in a time where depression can be proven as being real. While people can be told to 'Suck it up and just get on with life', it's hard to do this when our chemistry doesn't let us. The chemical imbalance is real, it's proven. While people can tell us to stop feeling sorry for our self, brain scans these days can reveal a brain in a state of grief. This is proof we are feeling legitimate sorrow for our self. The sorrow can be incredibly overwhelming at times.

The endurance and work it takes to make our way through depression is something to be praised.

[Chris_Tas]

Thank you therising.

You indeed know exactly what I feel. The cloak and whisperer is me....

All posts taken on board and if it's ok can I share something?

I live with parents in a very beautiful home, no rent, I'm extremely lucky.

Financialy I'm very lucky (I'mnot wealthy but relatively). But frankly when the thoughts come it's entirely irrelevant.

Yet when last in hospital having nurses talk to me and genuinely help me (I hate having IV drips but you know what, strangely it felt good as I felt a person enough to deserve it taking that for me)

Yes I completely understand your cloak analogy. Mine is pretty heavy but I'll get through this.

I invited mum to my alcohol/depression session which I encouraged so hopefully mum can understand more about my illness.

It's been a really good day.

I wish everyone else good days also.

Chris

[Petal22]

Hi Chris Tas,

Yes I understand, unless someone has been through it I don’t think they understand completely how much suffering we feel inside our selves it really is very overwhelming…..

I had a lot of dark intrusive thoughts while I was in the height of my anxiety they really scared me.

Im so grateful to be on the other side of it now and I know you will get through what you are going through aswell Chris.

I think that you are a very kind and understanding person Chris just by you asking your mum to go to your session really shows how understanding you are to try to help your mum understand aswell. .. your mum may learn something while attending the meeting.

I hope it all goes well for you Chris.

[therising]

Hi Chris

You're such a thoughtful gentle soul in the way you write and you're obviously a grateful person. I think sometimes people believe those with depression to be ungrateful bit it's not always the case. In my opinion, you can feel gratitude for much of what you have in life while still feeling a deep longing, something missing. Whether what's missing is the right chemistry, a piece of the puzzle in our life or the obvious way forward, it can be hard to feel anything beyond a basic sense of gratitude. Once the right chemistry is at work, what's missing is in place or our direction is clear and inspiring, it's often then that gratitude can be felt as a more intense feeling. It no longer feels basic.

I'm hoping your mum decides to join you in gaining a greater understanding of how challenging your path is. I hope she chooses to walk beside you on this path in a more constructive way. While it is said that ignorance is bliss, your mum ignoring the opportunities for an education on alcohol and depression would be making this experience for her far from blissful. I imagine these opportunities would offer her some sense of peace and reassurance, even if it's small to begin with.

I can relate to the IV thing. From my experience, it's been more so related to what's led me to hospital for surgeries and stuff. When they put it in (some are better than others at inserting that needle) it kind of changes your mindset, in that moment. It's confirmation of 'This is serious. Others finally recognise how serious this is, otherwise they wouldn't be putting the IV in. My challenges or problems matter to others, enough for them to want to treat me and give me the attention I truly desperately need. This is a part of my recovery. This is progress' and so on. An IV needle/drip can hold great meaning.

I'm glad you can feel some progress Chris. As you'd know, progress doesn't always come in the form of every day feeling good, it has its ups and downs. In imagining depression as a well or vertical tunnel, where the deeper you go the darker it gets, there will be times where you can feel the climb, you can sense your progress, and then there will be times where you experience what feels like a slip back down a little, like you've lost your grip or your footing. Through exhaustion, it can be tempting to give up. I found it wasn't until making it out alive that I fully realised how much work it actually takes to get out of there. Take pride in how hard you're working Chris 🙂