Struggling to get help

[Doolhof]

I know this is a place where we are supposed to encourage and support each other, to offer suggestions of where help may be received and to try to be positive in our experiences of reaching out for mental health guidance and care.

Unfortunately that has not been my experience for a long time living in the country.

My GP kept telling me he would make an appointment with me to do a mental health care plan. That took about 6 months. At an appointment I basically told him I needed help, could he please do the plan that day and not make me wait another 4 weeks for a next appointment.

The psychologist he recommended sent me an email stating with the information the Dr had written in the referral she was unable to assist me. She had not even met me!

Wait another 4 weeks for another Drs appointment.  A new psychologist was recommended, I had to drive to the city for this one. Had to wait a couple of months for an appointment. My appointment was to be on Thursday this week. Received an email from the psychologist stating "due to changes in his circumstances he is no longer able to offer me sessions".

I go to the local hospital and am told "the Doctors are too busy seeing more important patients to be able to see you".  The Nurse/Sister actually stated that to me over and over.

Looks like me and my sick mind are just going to have to keep trying to support myself until it doesn't work any longer.

[Doolhof]

Hi therising and all,

I think I came to a point where I let go of expectations a long time ago, not altogether in a healthy manner as I then had a huge void that was not being filled until I realised I could do more for myself and it was okay for me to try to meet my own needs. 

This hasn't stopped part of me still having expectations of others though! It can be confusing trying to find the balance. 

I do have resentments, disappointments and struggle with issues of the past. Maybe I need to concentrate on forgiveness, letting go of the hurt and learning from these situations. I am more aware of where some of the emotional pain is coming from and what is holding me back, so discovering ways of acknowledgement will help. 

As the saying goes, "I can't change anyone else but I can change myself. " I also realise that decades of thinking, acting and reacting in a certain way is going to take time and effort to change!

[therising]

Hi Dools

Definitely hard to find that balance when it comes to expectation. So easy to cycle through the same process which may begin with

1. 'I expect to be treated with consideration, compassion and understanding' then
2. 'Maybe I do need to be more flexible'. So you become more flexible, more reasonable (able to find reasons for evolving a bit in order to be fair and get along with others). Then
3. You can start to feel a little down and not know exactly why, until
4. You can feel yourself becoming very down, then
5. There can be that period of reflection where you begin to question everything such as how you're really feeling, why you feel the way you do, what all the possible influences could be and then BAMM
6. You realise you've flexed too much, you've been too considerate towards other people and their feelings, you've been putting yourself last and the sad thing is...that appears to work well for everyone else
7. Cue the anger and resentment until, finally there can be the proclamation
8. 'I deserve so much better than this'. You find your self worth again while wondering how you lost it in the first place

I think sometimes we can get lost or lose our self in our ability and willingness to compromise, in our flexibility when it comes to compassionately shifting boundaries in service to others, in the ways we push our self to evolve outside of our comfort zones and more. Perhaps what part of that comes down to is discovering what we've gained or are gaining in the process of mind altering challenge. When we feel sorry or sorrow for our self, that part of us that cries while wishing things were easier or that we were loved more deeply, we find enormous self compassion. When we feel great intolerance towards others and their neglectful or abusive behaviour, the warrior in us may come to life with fury and fight (standing up for us). Perhaps it is 'the boundary setter' within or maybe 'the sage' that needs to be channeled more often 🙂

I've learned over time (though hard to remember on occasion), nothing can come to us through a channel (course way) that is filled with resentment. There is just no room for anything else.

[Doolhof]

The longer I am leaving it to contact the psychologist for another appointment the harder it is for me to do so. She was seemingly ignoring my requests for help with deep depression and extremely negative thoughts. I am trying to work on coping skills myself but I am exhausted and it doesn't always work!

Saturday at work was horrendous emotionally and mentally for me. I really struggled. I wanted to leave. I was close to tears all day. I didn't have the mental capacity to understand why I was thinking so extremely negatively and defensively. I couldn't work out if the threats I was feeling were real or just past trauma flaring up again.

Returned home so angry and exhausted as I had not been able to work out how to deal with such strong emotions. 

Mentally exhausted today. 

[Nakia]

I'm in the same situation.  I feel so defeated and exhausted by the endless process that never results in anything.  Have just been declined by the last 2 female psychiatrists in my City.  Have weaned myself off the last experimental medications because  the side effects were horrific (sleeping upwards of 16 hours a day, constant muscle twitches and cramps, headaches nausea and rapid weight gain).  I can’t keep doing this.  

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Dools (and wave and welcome to Nakia),

I’m so sorry you’re having this tough time. There is no obligation for you to contact the psychologist unless you want to. It can be tricky working out sometimes whether what you’re feeling is related to the other person (e.g. your intuition is telling you something isn’t right) or you are reacting to an internal projection based on past trauma experiences.

 I have fear reactions to people in everyday situations. For example, I became afraid of a supermarket worker the other day when she didn’t respond when I said hello (I informally know her from around town). This is definitely a projection from my past trauma. She was just focused and busy. Minutes later she came up to me to chat and was so lovely. So everything was absolutely fine and I’ve just been so primed for fear based on early life experiences that I can read danger into situations that really isn’t there.

I think you can eventually get to a point where you become mindful of your own reactions. They may still involuntarily happen, but you catch up with yourself, so to speak, and you can then emotionally self-regulate knowing nothing is actually wrong.

 I can’t possibly know the situation with your psychologist, whether there is something there that’s not right for you in relation to her approach, or whether it’s connected with your past trauma. If you did contact her you could try explaining your current struggle working out whether you are being affected or not by past trauma in your interactions and reactions. But, again, it’s up to you if you contact her.

See if you can see yourself as in control of your own life and choices. If you see her again and it doesn’t feel right you don’t have to go back. If you don’t want to see her again you could seek a referral to another. Having a psychologist who is the right fit for you is important.

In my case I would say a high proportion of my reactions are based on prior trauma and the predominant emotion is fear. It sounds like you have identified resentment as a key emotion. That’s an important step and it is something you can process over time.

Try not to put yourself under pressure to resolve everything at once which will keep exhausting you. Go gently and see if you can view it as a curious learning process. Hope you feel better this week.

[Doolhof]

Hi Nakia,

I'm really sorry to read yo are struggling to receive the help and assistance you need. I keep trying to help myself but am so tired some days. I read self help books, I just feel if I don't understand the root cause to my issues then how am I going to get better? If I could mend myself I would be cured now!

I've been phoning support services to help me when I am really struggling. Writing stuff down in a note book helps get miserable thoughts out of my mind.

These are beneficial strategies, I just wish I could locate a Dr and a psychiatrist who are willing to work together to help me to a point of at least a half decent recovery. I am exhausted of this emotional turmoil. Trying to accept it only goes so far. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Dools,

I’m wondering if what may benefit you most is a therapist who specialises in BPD? Some therapists are even moving away from calling it BPD now and instead referring to it as a trauma attachment disorder.

My mother quite likely had BPD but was never diagnosed. When I was a kid she told me she could not go to a psychologist or counsellor because she didn’t like having someone probe into her emotions and feelings. It would trigger her extreme vulnerability around attachment and safety linked to her childhood trauma.

The parts approach I mentioned above taken by Janina Fisher, and the Internal Family Systems model developed by Richard Schwartz, understand there are parts often split off in BPD and C-PTSD. In BPD this often involves a Protector part that strongly defends traumatised childhood parts. Like all other people a person with BPD wants to feel closeness and connection with others, but the Protector part can step in out of a fear of closeness and push away an attempt by another, including a therapist, to connect. If a therapist goes in too quickly trying to address the experiences and needs of the traumatised child parts, the Protector can instinctively react very defensively. That can manifest as distress, anger and resentment.

 I’m wondering if this is what’s happened for you? If you can work with a therapist who understands and is sensitive to these processes, it may be a way of gradually alleviating fears about trust and connection. The Protector part starts to feel safe and realises it doesn’t need to defend, and then the therapist and client can work more easily together on the traumatised child parts. It may take a little while to develop that trust and approach the traumatised child parts.

Having parts of the self split off from childhood trauma experiences is very common. For me it is a very frightened child self that perceives danger everywhere, even though there usually isn’t danger present. The good thing is we have a stable core self that we can find again, that sometimes just gets obscured by split off parts that are acting autonomously. We can mistake a split off part as our whole self, when it isn’t. It’s just a part that split off in the past as a survival mechanism and it can be reintegrated into the whole.

 I see that stable core self in you in the way you go on your walks and observe and connect with your surroundings, in your determination to find strategies for healing, and in your caring regard for others. You may find the psychologist you were seeing does have skills and knowledge around working with traumatised child parts, but if not you may be able to find another who does.

It’s really tough in BPD because the emotions are so intense. But if you have someone to work with who deeply understands the inner processes involved, you can gradually let go of the intense feelings of threat and non-safety, and then slowly begin to nurture the vulnerable child parts that carry trauma, gradually releasing that trauma. Hope that perspective helps a bit.

[Doolhof]

Hi Eagle Ray,

What you have written makes sense. My mind is often scrambled. I cling to the hope of connection while also wanting to run away while also destroying any kind of connection as it is too dangerous to pursue.

The mind body and soul is a torturous mass of thoughts, emotions and feelings in a huge blender, never knowing what is going to come frothing to the top next.

It is like so desperately wanting to find a way to deal with this and fix it yet not trusting anyone.

A few Drs have recommended assistance with BPD. I contact the psychologists, they state yes they deal with that, then when I arrive for an appointment they then tell me it is not their expertise. That then leads to greater mistrust of the whole system and I feel like I am banging my head against a wall once more while screaming out for help.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Dools,

That makes so much sense and I empathise so much. It doesn’t help that there can be some stigma around BPD with some mental health practitioners not understanding it so well.

But I get the sense that this is changing and there are much improved ways of approaching it that help alleviate that struggle between desperately wanting help and connection and not feeling safe to connect.

Janina Fisher’s TIST model of treatment, which stands for Trauma Informed Stabilisation Treatment, sounds like a compassionate and constructive approach. Janina has worked successfully with people with major BPD symptoms who are hospitalised and haven’t been helped by others up until that point. I found there is a list of therapists on her website janinafisher.com who have done training in her method, with a few in Australia. Some are clinical psychs, others are other types of counsellors. I have no idea if any of those people would be right for you, but some have links to a webpage that might at least give you an idea about them. If you tried one of those you might be restricted to Telehealth again if they are not near you.

In my case I had become clear I wanted to do Somatic Experiencing for my particular trauma issues. There was a lovely psych at uni trained in this method but she felt unable to practise this approach with the limited sessions permitted in the uni counselling service. So I set about finding someone outside the uni and I had to go through a few not great experiences until I eventually found someone trained in the method who was the right fit.

So it might be that you have to search for that right person for you in relation to BPD and actively search therapists’ profiles to see if they might be good for you to work with. Something along the lines of the TIST model or Internal Family Systems might work. But even if trained in the method they may or may not gel with you. I’ve found I had to persist using my intuition to find the right person for me.

 I get why you mistrust the system. I think it’s looking for those progressive therapists who have a fresh and non-pathologising view of BPD. They do exist but I understand it’s exhausting trying to find them. Basically you want someone who can meet you where you’re at.

You have such clear understanding of what’s happening for you from the way you’ve described it, so it’s like there is real strength and insight in you which points to the capacity to heal. So don’t give up and know healing is possible. Sending you encouragement and best wishes.

[Doolhof]

Thanks Eagle Ray

I greatly appreciate your thoughts and suggestions. I had a bit of a look on the internet yesterday. Sometimes that is helpful, sometimes it feels like over load.

I had quite an explosion of overwhelmed emotions the other day and was screaming at my husband. My mental health is atrocious right now, my nerves are frayed and trying to find ways to cope do not always work.

I'm surprised my husband didn't call someone to take me away, I really lost it.

He has sent an email tot he psychologist I was seeing and have not contacted again so I have no idea what the outcome will be.

Next week I am having a couple of nights away in a cabin in a caravan park as they had a special on. Hopefully I can find a way to just chill out while I am there and not freak out!